Overheard in the Office

Office girl on phone: I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Is there something I can do to you? Shit. I mean for you?

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20-something worker #1: You know, I've never had a bikini wax. Never.
20-something worker #2: What? How do you keep yourself... fresh down there?
20-something worker #1: Neutrogena works like a charm.

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Office tech, fiddling with printer: I'm still getting that sensor dustiness error.
Office bimbette: Oh! I know how to fix that! You have to open it up and blow. Just give it a good blow and then it's fine!

In the market for new chill music?

Meet Explosions in the Sky, a post-rock band out of Austin, Texas (Royce, listen up) that has recently gained marginal national and international recognition and exposure. I heard about the band this weekend from my source. I try to keep my finger on the pulse of the music scene, you know.

Anyway, I, ahem, downloaded a bunch of their albums (How Strange, Innocence; The Earth is not a Cold, Dead Place; Those Who Tell the Truth Shall Die, Those Who Tell the Truth Shall Live Forever; and All of a Sudden I Miss Everyone - weird titles, I know.) and they're all good.

I know everyone loves to force everything into a box, but this music doesn't really fit neatly. I really don't know what to call it. I can tell you this, though. They mostly play with electric guitars and a set of drums and a bass guitar...sometimes. Oh, there are no lyrics, so don't be expecting words (yeah, that's what post-rock means).

If their music feels cinematic (or makes you feel like you're in a movie), it's by design. The group also did the OST to the 2004 film 'Friday Night Lights' and did a damn good job, too.

If you're thinking this description makes them sounds too different (read: too white) for your tastes, then think again. You'll like them. Trust me. Here's a link to some of their stuff on You Tube. Don't sit and actively listen to it. Put it on in the background while cleaning or reading a book or baking a pie or doing whatever it is you do in your spare time.

Go on, try it. Be adventurous.

Before and (several beers) After

That's all.

She took six years off, but she's here snatch it back.

I don't get into much hip-hop anymore (blame the south), but I still like Foxy Brown. I really do. I've been with her for over a decade. I'm talking about back in '95 when she was just 15 y/o girl with oversized tits rapping on LL Cool J's 'I Shot Ya'. I was with her when she was still camping out under Jay-Z's desk trying to convince him to get her out of her deal with Violator.

I've supported her through it all - the fights with hotel staff, the split with Jay, her iron throwing era, the whole deaf thing, the reunion with Jay, the current jail sentence...that weave in the picture above. When the boo-birds came out, I still stood by her. And she rewards with a hot track here and there.

Anyway, Foxy's back. Well, technically, she isn't. Brooklyn's Don Diva is still at Riker's Island getting in trouble, but her camp is set to release her latest street album. Her critics, say what they may, can never call her a wack rapper. She's easily one of the top-5 female MCs of all time.

Her new single, 'We on Fire' featuring Movado (a C-list producer that she hired from her cell), is just that...fire. Hold your head, Fox!

Foxy Brown feat. Movado - We On Fire

Affirmative Action

I have strong opinions about this, but want to read your thoughts before offering mine. Eventually, I'll edit this to include what I have to say.

Question: Is affirmative action an out-moded crutch used by minorities to gain an unfair advantage or is it a necessary social program that very much has a place in modern America?

It just ran across my mind...

• I caught Donald Trump's interview on Larry King Live the other night and gained a newfound appreciation for him (and his hair). He's an amazing man despite what his critics say. I bought his new book today from bn.com. I hope it helps. :-/

• I can think of a million places I'd rather be than sitting in the office today. Chillin' on a beach in Bora-Bora with a beer and a large plasma HDTV showing non-stop college basketball while getting the BJ of my life tops that list. Hell comes in at a close second.

• I kinda wish I were in love, but kinda not. I want a relationship, but then I don't. I dunno. At the very least I wish I were getting some on a regular basis. It's probably best that at this point, I just focus on me. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself.
  
  
• I really want to see Gone Baby Gone, but refuse to go to the theater alone. I may have a solution to that though.
  
  
• I hate that the federal government and the American media are comparing the California fires to Hurricane Katrina. They say the government response was near flawless and that a lesson was learned from Katrina. Well, aside from both devastating tragedies, there ain't much more these events have in common. Rich people's resources >>>>>>>> Poor people's resources. And it ain't even close.
  
  
• I've been hitting the gym everyday lately and I feel great. It's good to be back in swing of being active.
  
  
• The pre-season college basketball USA Today/ESPN Coaches poll was released today. Maryland got 1 vote. Duke, Illinois, Davidson, Clemson, Michigan State, and NC State each got more votes. Maryland beat each of these teams soundly last season. Dumb coaches.
  
  
• I'm not feeling the 4th consecutive day of rain.
  
  
• I gotta pee.
  

F*cking Rain, F*cking Traffic

Somebody tell me why rain makes people drive like idiots with hybrids stuck up their asses? I'm all ears. There's no reason a commute that usually takes 20 minutes should ever take a damn hour. Ever.

I don't care if its rain, sleet, hail or snow, there's no good reason these bastards should be driving as slowly (and as stupidly) as they did today. If you don't do well in inclemate weather, then get your ass off the road and catch a damn train, light rail, bus, taxi...something. Let a pro handle it. Pretend you're being chauffeured.

It's morning commutes like this that make me want to strap a bullhorn to the top of my car and scream at these bitches:

"Ma'am, you know you don't usually drive 25 on the JFX. Why today? Because of some fucking rain drops? I've pissed puddles deeper than that. Throw on your traction control and keep it moving. And stay off your fucking brakes."

"Sir, that's a bend on a slight downgrade up ahead, not a sharp turn on the broad side of a god damn mountain. Put that fucking SUV in gear and let's go. It's a damn Hummer for god's sake. If it's good enough for Iraq, then it's good enough for a steady downpour on the highway. Drive that shit!!! DAMN."

And to the punk bitch - who couldn't have been older than 16 or 17 - driving like a damn bat out of hell on the shoulder trying to get to your exit. Don't let me catch you on the drive back this evening. I got something for you.

I'm going to get coffee.

It Never Rains in Southern California

Is great weather, hundreds of beaches, hard bodies, tanned skin, A-list celebrities, ridiculously entertaining nightlife, and immediate access to everything else the entertainment capital of the world has to offer worth risking you life and all that you've acquired over the years?

If you haven't heard by now, then you've just crawled from under a rock. California is burning and its burning in a hurry for a couple of days now. 321,000 people (that's nearly the entire of Minneapolis) and 1,300 mixed income, but mostly high-priced, ultra upscale homes where destroyed.

Californians deal with a lot - drought, mudslides, earthquakes, forest fires...OJ. I couldn't do it. Eventually you have to ask yourself if the good is really worth the potential train wreck.

People called me crazy for moving back to Baltimore. You can tell my critics this: I may not have the weather or the celebrities, but I have a NFL team and Pazo, my version of LA's ultra-hip The Abbey, and I don't have to deal with forest fires. The occasional house fire started by base heads who mishandle a hot spoon, maybe, but no forest fires.

Sike.

My only experience with forest fire is (and I'm sure at least one other poster from the Northeast will remember this) in 2002 when a forest in Quebec was burning and I smelled it in the air for days 700 miles away. I saw some brush in the middle of the highway burning in Phoenix once, too.

These pics are crazy.

Let Me Know What You Think

Six months ago, I started working with the Alumni Association at my high school. A few weeks ago, one of the board members - a sitting US Representative - asked me to speak at a fundraising gala on Capitol Hill in Washington benefiting my old high school and the Maryland Chapter of the 100 Black Men organization. I was shocked too...trust me. He explained that he was impressed, his organization was looking to show that the face of public service is becoming younger and more urban. He said he thinks I have a compelling story to tell.

I couldn't say no to a Congressman, so I said yes.

Anyway, I had to submit a short bio today. I guess it's gonna be printed in the program or whatever. The honorees, which include a guy who has thirty years of service, nationally and internationally as Managing Director of Goldman, Sachs, and Company, are all on point.

My young ass can't compete with that. But I've gotta do what I can with what I got, right?

I decided that if I was doing this, then it's being done the right way. This bio needs to be the bomb. I need make them respect me before I say one word. I have to establish some ethos and show what I've done to warrant speaking to a hall filled with grown ass men.

At 3 AM this morning, I finished feverishly. Lemme know what you think.

----------------------------------------------------

Bio

After studying Public Policy and African-American Studies as an undergraduate fellow with the James MacGregor Burns Academy of Leadership at the University of Maryland, Mr. Jones joined the Baltimore-based xxxxxxxx Foundation in August of 2006. He serves as project administrator for the Foundation's national, state and strategic initiatives.

With the Foundation, Mr. Jones administers many of the baseball and softball programs and facilities that positively impact disadvantaged youth across the country by combining the principles represented by the Ripken name, the power of Cal, Jr. as a modern day hero and role model, and the universal appeal of baseball.

Understanding the importance of the Foundation's mission, he is ecstatic about working to reach it's goal of developing young people, particularly those from disadvantaged backgrounds, while promoting 'The Ripken Way'.

Mr. Jones is a 2002 magna cum laude graduate of the Baltimore City College, the nation's third oldest public university-preparatory, and participant in the Switzerland-based International Baccalaureate Diploma Programme. As a student, Mr. Jones served as President of the school's National Honor Society and twice as President of the Carrollton-Wight Literary Debate Society. He currently serves on the Resource Development Advisory Panel of the Baltimore City College Alumni Association.

He is a native Marylander and currently resides in Baltimore.

This commercial is funny as hell...

This Orbitz gum commercial came on TV today. I swear I rewatched it 15 times. I couldn't stop rewinding my Tivo.

Keep an eye on home girl with the long neck. She did not like being call a "doo-doo head cootie queen" one bit. Look at her chew that gum. She can't wait to pounce on that lent licker.

Hilarious.

Mirror, Mirror

Last night, I went to visit Ryan, one of my dear friends from college that I don't see nearly as often as I should. I didn't feel like sitting in the house last night and we needed to catch up. Plus, he usually cooks every night.

So, I'm there. He's cooking. We're laughing, talking and watching TV. Having a good time. Then, there's an unexpected knock at the front door. It's this dude named 'Paris'. Last night was only my second time meeting this kid (in every sense of the word), but I'll tell you what little I know about him.

I'm pretty sure (hopeful) that his birth name isn't 'Paris', but I have no idea what his Mama named him. I've never been interested enough to ask. I know he's young. I'm not exactly how young, but you know how you can just tell? Young is young. Lack of experience. You know? (Let's see if anyone gets that reference.) He's a talker, but isn't profound in the least bit though. He just...talks.

Anyway, he comes in. We speak. Standard greeting...nothing special. He sits in the living room to watch tv. Ryan and I continue talking in the kitchen.

Several minutes later, we all go outside to the patio for some fresh air. Suddenly he says:

"You're gorgeous. You're so gorgeous."

"Seriously? Wow. Thanks."

"No, I'm for real. Like...from head to toe. You're gorgeous."

"Really? Thanks."

In my head, my distorted self image and I are wondering if he's trying to play us.

"No, you may think that because you're not real thin you aren't attractive, but you're hot. Face, body...I love the way you dress."

It was with this semi-pointed compliment that put me over the top. I had reached my threshold. I was officially uncomfortable. Ryan, being a good host, sensed that and interjected.

"Whats your sign, Paris?"

He answered. I honestly don't remember what his response was.

"Let me analyze you for a minute."

Now, I don't know if Ryan was really analyzing or if he was just buying us all a little quiet time, but either way, I appreciated it. I told you, dude is a talker.

The night consisted of more of the same. 'Paris' reciting some mind-numbing monologue about...whatever and Ryan shutting him down, but in a nice way. I was quite entertained.

I usually don't put too much stock into people's opinions and last night was no different. Afterall, my mantra for the moment is 'I love you, but I don't live for you.'

Perhaps that explains why I'm the antithesis to the looking-glass self theory.

I thought about what he said as I drove home.

According to the 'looking glass self theory' people form self-perception by:

1. Imagining how we must appear to others.
2. Imagining the judgment of that appearance.
3. Developing our self through the judgments of others.

Question: Am I the only one who has trouble gauging how I'm perceived by others? How do I explain why what I see when I look in the mirror doesn't match what other see when they look at me. How strange is this?

Thoughts?

Clothes I want, but shouldn't buy at the moment...

Cashmere V-Neck by J. Crew
(I actually like the white collar shirt underneath.)

Striped Cashmere Henley by J. Crew



Yeats-stripe Merino Cardigan by J. Crew
(I like the look of the sweater and the oxford. I dunno if I'd do the knit skinny tie.)



Claviere Jacket by Loro Piana
(This coat and hat and scarf shipped directly from Italy = a pipe dream at best)



Graphic Tee by Modern Amusement (from South Moon Under)
(I hate graphic tees, but I love this one. It's $50, that's why I shouldn't buy it)



Monogram Barrel Cuff Check Shirt by Banana Republic
(minus the tie)

Thanks

Thanks to those of you who offered well wishes and encouraging words by either commenting on that last post or contacting me directly. That goes for Captain, our resident court jest, too. Your shtick should come with a two drink minimum. Each of you are appreciated. Life lulls you a bit at times. You deal with it and move on. I've dealt with it.

How I feel...

:-(

Sad. Lonely. Depressed. Alone. Sex Depraved. Sluggish. Unworthy. Low. Undesirable. Dejected. Blue. Woeful. Funky.

The worst part is, I'm not really sure why.

An Open Letter...

Dear Bathroom Shit Talker,

I've been meaning to write you for sometime now. I want to be as clear as possible so I'm going to say this plainly. When I go to the bathroom, I'm on my time. Not yours or anyone else's. I didn't come here to party or to shoot the breeze. I'm in there to get in and get out.

I don't really care to have conversations with you through the stall. Actually, it makes me feel weird. I'm just getting over my fear of taking dumps while people are in the bathroom as it is.

Enough is enough. No more.

I love sports, but I don't care to discuss last night's NLCS game or MNF game while I'm taking care of business. I'm not from Denver or Phoenix or New York or Atlanta so I could give a shit about those teams. I'm trying to focus on the task at hand here. Plus, I'm already reading the sports section, so I don't need your updates.

I want to discuss office politics. I don't care to know who doesn't flush the urinal or who never washes there hands.

If you feel the need to chat, play footsies with Larry Craig. You do your business and I'll take care of mine and we're good.

Sincerely,
Fed up and stopped up in Bmore

Maryland goes off for its basketball..

The Redskins and Ravens aside, Maryland Basketball tickets are the toughest to get in the Baltimore-Washington area. And with good reason. It's men's and women's programs combine for 27 ACC Regular Season and Tournament titles, 6 Final Fours and 2 NCAA National Championships. This decade, both teams combine for an overall record of 503-242.

Expectations are always high for its men's (06-07 finish: 25-9, 10-6 ACC-T3rd | AP Ranking: #17) and women's basketball (06-07 finish: 28-6, 10-4 ACC-T3rd | AP Ranking: #6) programs. Fans expect Final Fours and ACC championships and neither team won either last year.

In 1970, Coach Lefty Driesell started Midnight Madness (the official kick-off to the basketball season) at the University of Maryland - the first school in the country to do so. A lot of schools try knock offs (See: Georgetown's feeble attempt), but few do it as well as Maryland does. I'm talking lights and lasers and fog and fire and a Lamborghini.

Last night, my Dad and I and about 15,000 other people went to Midnight Madness, the annual kick-off to the basketball season and Maryland's Comcast Center in College Park. This about that for a second. 15,000 people showed up for what essentially is a practice. The arena only holds 18,000. I told you Maryland goes off for its basketball.

If you have some time, here's a link to video of the entire event. It's worth a watch, if for no other reason than the eye candy.

Anyway, here are pics:

The 07-08 men's basketball team rolled into the arena dressed in white suits with red bow ties and walking canes in a old-school Caddy (circa 1960) and performed a choreagraphed dance routine before returning to the locker room.

Each player was introduced one-by-one later in the program.

Amid chants of "Gary, Gary, Gary!", coach Williams also drove into the arena. Not to be outdone by his players, Gary arrived in a yellow Lambo and gave his trademark fist pump before addressing the crowd. He's pretty much treated like a god around here.

The '07-'08 women's team got some shine too and some of them even attempted to tone down the whole butch thing for the evening (at least for the performance).

Of course the white girls on the team (including Head Coach Brenda Frese) came out to Young Jeezy's 'White Girls'. Stunna shades and all.

The dance troop, competitive cheer team, spirit squad and gymnastics team did their thing. No stunna shades here, folks.

Now, I can't wait for the season to begin.

GET THE F*CK OUT OF MY OFFICE!!! (NSFW)

Exploding New York City Councilman Refuses To Get 'Punked'

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

NEW YORK - Councilman James Oddo may have had a meltdown during his first experience with gotcha satire media, but he wasn’t about to go down without a fight.

Dropping the “f-word” no fewer than 16 times in the course of what has become a popular You Tube video, Republican Oddo became irate when he realized the attractive, seemingly harmless young reporter who sat before him last week for an interview in his office was really a comedienne of note for the Norwegian program "Rickets Rost," a sort of Scandinavian "Daily Show w/Jon Stewart."

Click here to see the YouTube video. Warning: contains offensive and graphic language.

The video, which garnered more than 44,174 hits on YouTube as of midday Wednesday, shows Oddo exploding at reporter Pia Haraldsen, 26, after she asked whether Obama could legally run for office because he is African American, and about Hillary’s “cigar,” an obvious reference to President Bill Clinton’s scandal-ridden affair with intern Monica Lewinsky. (click here for more)

Summer all over again?

UPDATE: After hearing my battle cry, mother nature decided to give us some cooler weather. I woke up this morning to temps in the 50s. Right now its a perfect 75-degrees outside.

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WTF is up with the weather? Seriously. It's hot as hell today and Columbus Day felt more like Labor Day outside. It was awful.

I feel like Fall teased us with a brief appearance, decided she wasn't ready to go on, pranced her little ass off stage and threw summer back on. This heat is ridiculous. Today and yesterday marks the first time in Baltimore history that temperatures have reached above 90-degrees on consecutive days in October.

I wish mother nature would get herself together and act like it's October. Where are the cool nights and autumn-colored leaves? I just bought three new argyle sweaters (one deep plum, one in navy and one in auburn) and a new fall jacket to wear before it gets really cold and I have to break out that damn North Face.

I packed away my shorts and most of my short-sleeved polo shirts already. I am not prepared for this.

Damn global warming.

Weekend Review

This weekend was an eventful and enjoyable one. Lots to share, so I'll get right to it.

---------------------------------

Friday:

A friend and I decided against going into the office on Friday. In stead, on Friday morning, we schlepped down to Baltimore's Penn Station (pictured above) and took the commuter train to Washington's Union Station. A hour later, we arrived in Foggy Bottom bright eyed and bushy tailed and walked to Georgetown. We did a lot of walking. Miles and miles of walking. In 90+ degree weather. It was hot. We stopped at the usual stores (J. Crew, Banana Republic, Club Monaco, Urban Outfitters) and a few smaller, lesser know shops including one that sold nothing but British labels. We had a late lunch at this Italian spot that served $5 sangria and martinis during happy hour. Jackpot!

After drinking ourselves into a barely functional stupor, we stumbled back to the Metro station and headed back to Baltimore for the evening.

Saturday:

Saturday, for me, is reserved for college football. It's what I do. Much of Saturday morning was spent pre-gaming for the Maryland-Georgia Tech game in College Park. I was fortunate enough to get tickets on the 42-yard line on the 200-level at Byrd Stadium on Saturday afternoon. I tailgated in the Comcast Center garage and stumbled along Terrapin Trail to the stadium. After watching the Terps beat the Yellow Jackets 28-26, I went home. This is when things got interesting.

I got a call around 5pm. It was Riley, my suspect real estate developer friend from New York. He asked what I was doing, if I had plans and if I wanted to go grab some beers. I wasn't really doing anything, so I said...cool. He suggested that we go to this bar called Brewer's Art, which isn't too far from me. Brewer's isn't gay per se, but happens to be in gay friendly neighborhood. I thought it was kinda odd that he'd recommend that place, but whatever. He then asked if I had another place in mind because Brewer's might be crowded on a Saturday night.

He may have staggered me last time, but I was ready for him on Saturday.

I suggested a bar called The Drinkery. Unlike Brewer's, this place is gay. There's no mistaking that. I men, it's not a leather bar or something like that, but it's a gay bar. To my surprise, he agreed to go. We sat and drank and talked (I had two of the STRONGEST drinks in my life...we'll get to that later).

Somehow we started talking about movies and I mentioned this awesome movie I rented on Netflix. He asked if I still had the DVD at home and suggested that we go back to my place to watch it. I declined. I know that I wouldn't have been able to focus on watching the movie. He asked why and I just said...perhaps its best that you just go home.

I'm really not sure why I didn't have him over.

Anyway, later that night I was so fucked up that I just passed out and woke up at 2:36am on the floor and stayed there.

Sunday:

Sunday started off with a bang. Literally.

I was sound asleep on a friend's sofa when at 7:30AM, I was awakened by the loudest sound I've ever heard in my entire life. I damn near jumped through the roof. I thought the city was under attack...seriously. I ran to the window to see what was going on below. 17 floors below smoke clouds were billowing up. I was actually kinda cool to see, but not at 7:30 on a Sunday morning.

I later learned that to make way for a $400 million inpatient hospital high-rise tower, Mercy Medical Center imploded a goddamn 10-story garage in the middle of downtown Baltimore (click here for You Tube video).

After the dust settled, street sweepers were out cleaning up the dirt and debris off the streets and workers were hosing down all the buildings and lights and mailboxes and stuff in the immediate area.

After putting my heart back in my chest, I went back to sleep and woke up in the afternoon.

My friend and I decided to go for a run through downtown. We ran from City Center to Fells Point through Little Italy and Harbor East. Our run just kinda ended as we literally ran into several festivals downtown. The annual 'Taste of Fells Point' festival in Fells Point, some 'Beer Garden' festival on Harbor Point and the Columbus Day festival in Little Italy were all going on at the same time (I didn't even know Columbus Day is such a big deal. I'm the office today.)

One thing I really enjoyed was watching all the people who were out. There were so many different types of people just walking. It was very entertaining. The most entertaining moment had to be right after Virgin Mobile bus started blasting 'Crank Dat' by Soulja Boy. Every Becky, Suzie and Lindsay immediately put down the knock-off Gucci shades they were about to purchase and put their all into what in their minds was the Superman dance. They get an 'C' for effort but a 'A' for keeping me entertained.

On our way back to her apartment, we stopped into City Sports (I know they have stores in Boston, NYC, Philly, Baltimore and DC, but I dunno if they are anywhere else) because she saw a North Face jacket in the window she wanted. I bought a 'City Sports - Baltimore' tee-shirt. We decided that all that walking and running made us hungry, so we walked back to the Fells Point Festival to get food, then we stopped at this Italian dessert place to get cannolli, so basically the run turned into a food extravaganza.

I went home to watch the Ravens play the 49ers. Ravens won 9-7.

All in all it was a good weekend. Now, it's Monday.

Isiah Thomas Found Guilty of Sexual Harassment

I've been meaning to post about this for awhile now, but I'm just getting around to it. I hope this ordeal teaches Isaiah two things:

1) No matter how well you've aged, how hot you may still be and how rich you are, no still means no and;

2) If you decide to just take it, former NBA players are only allowed to harass attractive women.

---------------------------------

NBA commissioner David Stern seems to be under the weird impression that the facts old the Anucha Browne-Sanders sexual harassment case against New York Knicks head coach and president of basketball operations Isaiah Thomas and James Dolan, the rich man's son who runs Madison Square Garden like a frat house are still in dispute. That somehow this is still a case of 'he said' and 'she said'.

No, its not.

This is now officially a case of 'they said' as the jury that found Thomas guilty of sexual harassment last week in a New York courtroom and put Dolan on the hook for $11.6 million in punitive damages before the judge even gets around to compensatory damages.

This happened because Dolan made as dumb a mistake as you can (and this guy has made some stupid ones...believe me). In this case, he believed Thomas. Now Stern says he can't issue any sanctions about that because the result isn't as clear in a civil case as it is in a criminal case. On what planet, David?

Stern can institute a dress code when he doesn't like how his young guys are wearing their baseball caps and he can fine Mark Cuban over and over and over again because he says mean things about NBA refs. But he can't place sanctions on the person who operates the world’s most famous arena and the coach and director of Knicks' basketball operations.

But hey, at least Isaiah dresses well.

Keeping It Real, Son

I had a conversation with a co-worker over lunch today about wanting to change physical attributes about myself. Why did I even bother? He didn't even let me make it through my sentence before interjecting: "You should love yourself and be thankful for what you have. You need to keep it real."

Please shut up, take the stick out of your ass and step off your damn soap box.

I can never seem to have this conversation without having to endure a damn lecture about loving and appreciating myself and what I'm working with. As if I already don't.

Don't get me wrong, confidence is key in any endeavor and to be clear (in case you haven't noticed) I'm fairly confident in who and what I am. The point is, people shouldn't stop me from dreaming.

So...let's have a little fun. Answer this:

If given the opportunity to magically become a real-life Ken doll, what three physical attributes would you change about yourself?

I'll go first:

1) Rock hard chest and abs - I'd want an upper torso Tyson Beckford would die for. I'm talking like....a 12-pack.

2) Even skin tone - I'm not talking complexion here. I'm fine with where I am with that. I'm talking the actual evenness of my skin tone. I have this weird year-round farmer's tan thing going that I wouldn't mind getting rid of. Give me the skin of a sexy ass Brazilian.

3) 12-inch Mandingo meat - I don't mind admitting to wanting an awe-inspiring piece. Perhaps then, I could pursue my lifelong dream of becoming a dildo model.

Your turn. Keep in mind that these transformations would occur magically. Feel free to defy conventional wisdom.

Have fun and be creative!

SHUT UP, BITCH!

UPDATE: I addressed this issue with both of them about 10 minutes ago. I simply said:

"Hey guys. Could I ask a favor? When you two are working in tandem, like you are right now, is it possible for you to go into a small conference room or the kitchen and work from there? It’s just really tough to focus on what I’m developing when I hear you two brainstorming aloud."

Problem solved.

---------------------------------

My co-worker, the one who makes $25K more than I do, talks so fucking much.

He reads emails aloud. He thinks aloud. He proofreads aloud. He talks loudly when he's on the phone. He's always fucking talking!!!!!!

In fact, the motherfucker is talking right now.

To make matters worse, he has a fucking new hire working under him now, so he fucking talks to her ass all goddamn day long. This shit is so fucking nerve wrecking. I'm typing this post because if I don't, then everything I'm fucking posting here would be screamed over this goddamn cubical wall.

Yo, I like you and all, but please....SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! For your own good, shut the fuck up.

I'm gonna have to address this with him, because I'm not getting anything done. I've never been one to need absolute silence to work, but this shit is just too much. We're good enough 'friends' that I can simply say...hey, don't take this the wrong way, but you have to stop talking as much as you do.

A Priest, Two Popes and Lots of Guns

I’m not Catholic, but I admit to being intrigued by the pageantry and pomp and circumstance surrounding much of what they do. The garb and the processions and the majesty of it all. I find that kind of stuff interesting. Besides, Baltimore, like Boston and Los Angeles, is such a Catholic town that us non-Catholics can’t help but to know what’s going on in their world. Hell, the City of Baltimore (1729) barely pre-dated the Diocese of Baltimore (1789).

Anyway, the Archdiocese of Baltimore installed Edwin F. O’Brien as the 15^th Archbishop of Baltimore yesterday and it was a sight to see. Streets around the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary (is this not the longest church name on earth?) were closed, traffic was diverted, police were perched on street corners with guns, local news helicopters were in the air, and hoards of priests were parading through the streets [insert requisite 'quick, hide the little boys' joke here]. I honestly though the President (or somebody like that) was in town.

Baltimore catholics go off for their religion. I remember thousands and thousands of people lining the streets for Pope John Paul II's visit in the mid-90's. It was an absolute mess. A traffic nightmare. It took 2 hours for my mom and I to drive from the eastside to the westside. Usually, that ride takes 45 minutes....and that's with traffic.

Apparently, I should get ready for that to happen again as the Vactician finalizes plans for Pope Benedict XVI first US Papal visit in April 08. I won't be alone though. In addition to Baltimore, the Pope could also be visiting Boston, New York, Philly and Washington.

Now, Weight A Minute!

I realized on Saturday that I gained 19 pounds since March 2007. Not a good look. I mean, I knew I gained weight before as the change happened gradually. It started off with 5 pounds. Then 5 pounds became 7 pounds. 7 became 10, etc.

Well, enough is enough.

I’m not happy about it, so I'm ending this streak at 19. I refuse to bitch and moan and give you the sorrowful 'woe is me’ bit. I’m going to nip this shit in the bud.

Here’s how I plan to do it:

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Objective: Lose thirty pounds in three months.

That may seem like a lofty goal, but I’m confident that I can do this. In fact, I’ve done this before, so I know I can do it.

Strategy #1: Limit caloric intake to 1500 calories per day.

It’s going to suck to go back to monitoring (and writing down) everything I eat and the calories I consume, but such is life. I’m not a person who can just eat whatever and still maintain a healthy weight. The sooner I accept that as fact, the better.

For me this means:

• No sugars. (I use Splenda in pretty much everything anyway, so I should be good)
  
• No soda, only water. (I only drink diet anyway, but the sodium makes me retain water)
• At least two servings of vegetables per day. (That really shouldn't be a problem)
• Drink minimal amounts of alcohol (no beer, no martinis, no sugary drinks....diet coke and rum = 0 calories)
  
• No fast food. (I abstained once before and throughly enjoyed not eating things cooked in a cesspool of week old grease. This is actually a welcomed changed)
• Slow down and develop a routine/schedule (I need structure for this to work right. Can't be a social butterfly like I am now, but I'm fine with that. Home, office, gym/run, home, sleep)
  

Strategy #2: Develop (and follow) a daily exercise regimen/routine.

In all honesty, I’ll need this for a few weeks, and then I’ll be fine when I get back into the swing of being a gym rat.

One of my co-workers and I started walking a three-mile path during our lunch hour today. That worked out well. The routine will probably be gym either in the morning or the evening and a 3-mile walk at lunch…at least until the weather gets really cold.

For me this means:

• Daily AM or PM trips to the gym for at least 1 hour (Not going on the weekends is ok, but I should run outside those days)
  
• Good mix of cardio AND weight training AND calisthenics (The cardio is no big deal. I can do that in my sleep. But, as much as I hate lifting and push-ups/sit-ups, etc., I have to do it. It's effective)
• Get back into running outside (I hate the treadmill and, for me, it's not nearly as effective as running through the city)
• Water, Water, Water (My body retains lots of fluids, so...I gotta drink water, plus it helps with hydration and joint lubrication and stuff)

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I decided to post this because I do better when I’m held accountable. I can't be held accountable If I don't tell anyone and since you all know what I'm doing and who I'm screwing, I figured I might as well let you all keep me honest.

So, hopefully I’ll successfully report back in January 08!