Tuesday, December 30, 2008

25 And Older Crew, Please Step Into My E-Office

Tuesday, December 30, 2008 15

**offers you a seat**

Can I get you some coffee, tea or water or something? No? Are you sure I can't get you anything? We have soda, too. No? OK. I won't press you.

**takes a sip of my Folgers and slides the cup to the left**

I asked you to come in today because I've been wanting to chat with you about something and I feel now is as good a time as any.

**slides frames to the bridge of my nose**

As 2008 nears its end, my 25th birthday continues to approach more rapidly. I'm not one of those people who freak out at the notion of turning 25, but I do have to admit it's making me some kind of way. What's weird, for me at least, is that I can't remember ever thinking about growing older before now.

Is it odd for me to feel odd/antsy about the not-so-big 25?

**takes off specs, places them on desk and awaits your response**

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Jill Scott can be so vulgar at times and I love it.

Sunday, December 28, 2008 7

The Thickness - Jill Scott

She a big chick,
Big ol' legs,
Big ol' thighs,
Big ol' hips,
Big ol' ass,
Big ol' tits,

She so big!
Won’t nobody even try to reach her mind
Age 14,
Eyes green,
Young tender, supple, and fine,
Hear them,
all those oohs and ahhs slip as she lick her lips,
Oh, they want to fuck her,
The want to rub their dicks on her precious clitoris,
They want to watch them big gold titties settle and part a bit,
They want to talk about it,
Tell it,
Spread it,
Relive the conquest,
How they beat on that ass and how the knock that shit,

Don’t stop,
Won’t stop,
To recognize that there’s more,
More underneath that thickness,
That sweet and round brown young tender thickness,

Now they like her quiet and eager,
Sweet and meagre,
Don’t you complain about my other women,
Just drop that big thick ass on my stiffness,
Make me nut all up on your gut with the quickness,

Don’t stop,
Won’t stop,
Lift it,
Yea girl lift it,
Lift it baby,
Drop it again,
Cause I aint your tribesmen no more,
I aint your friend,
Come on girl just let me in,
Let me into all that thickness,
That sweet and round brown supple bigness,

Cause she so big won’t nobody even try to reach her mind,
She’s been degraded, exploited, NOT celebrated,
Saturated with self hatred,

Let me say that again please:
She’s been degraded, exploited, NOT celebrated,
Saturated with self hatred,
Cause every time she turns on the TV,
What does she see, big ol' booty,
And it don’t have nothing to do with the song,

Thus, her definition of beauty,
Thus, her definition of beauty,

Oh, oh, oh Lord,
Oh Lord,
Oh Lord,

Let her,
Let her recognize the magnificence you've created,
Lift her,
Lift her,
Lift her,

Let her be elevated,
Let her be elevated,
Lord, Lord,
Let her be elevated,
Let her be elevated,

Cause she is so big,
She so big,
She so big,
She so big,
She so big,
She so big,
She so big,
She so big,

Let her be elevated,
Let her be elevated.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

"How am I gonna tell my husband my son is a hetrosexual? He gonna have a fit!"

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 9
This dumb bitch who got prank called doesn't know heterosexual = straight. Dumb hoe.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Muse's Random Monday Musings

Monday, December 22, 2008 15
This weather is a mothafucking fewl!!!

Before I rant, let me just say this: I’m not one of those people who bitch and moan about seasonably appropriate weather. In fact, I hate those people who, for example, bemoan 90-degree temps and humidity in the middle of the summer. Bitch, it’s August and you live in the Mid-Atlantic. Deal with it!

With that said, the weather this weekend was NAWT very nice to me. In fact, Mother Nature was being a bitch.

I left Baltimore on Friday in rain and ice and arrived later that afternoon in New York City to snow which continued into Saturday. Still, I was cool with that. It’s winter, ya know.

What I was NOT cool with was the 16-degrees, 1-degree wind chill and 30mph wind gusts that she was giving this morning.

That hoe must be menstruating.

Speaking of this weekend...

As advertised, I was in New York this weekend and had the chance to meet a couple of bloggers, some of whom I had never met before.

On Friday, I went to this variety show of sorts in Downtown Newark. It featured these two semi-homophobic comedians (only one of which was actually funny), this overweight and seemingly out of place rapper who cursed a lot and blogger’s very own Omar Ramon. Now, when Blaq N Mild suggested I go, I was skeptical because I didn’t know if the kid was talented or not, but he was. The first song he performed (‘Broken’ is the title, I think) was HAWT! His friends and family braved the weather to support him and his effort. It was cute.

That damn Damnit and I went for drinks afterward with Jay and his female companion who's name escapes me at the moment. Both of them were funny and sharp-witted. We ate good food, drank good drank and called it a night. I thought I had lost my Mastercard, so we (well, I) kinda ended on a very rushed, high strung note, but we still had a lot of fun. Luckily, I had only misplaced my card in Damnit's apartment.

On Saturday evening, I thought we were going to make our way to the city for boys and drinks, but we ended up at ShawnQT’s house for a little gathering he was having. Fortunately, there were boys and drinks, so I was happy. Shawn is a very gracious host. He sat with me as I got drunk and ki-cackled for a bit before making his rounds. Thanks again for having me, Shawn.

Oh, and you should keep your new beau away from me cus he’s cute, has a lil donk on him and was well-mannered. I like ‘em young, too. I'm just sayin'...

Anywho, Promiscuous X was there living up to his moniker (tehehe). Damnit was being all anti-whatever up in the corner watching Sportscenter (who watching sports when drunk lil boys are running around showing off their cakes and such?). Jersey Brother and I spoke very briefly as I was heading out. I’m sure there were other people I met, but by that time I was struggling to hold my liquor.

Oh, wait…I wasn’t too drunk to notice the lil cutie in the black leather coat with this fitted on. Maybe this was the liquor talking, but his only flaw, from my vantage point, was that he supported John McCain. I didn’t catch his name, but I should have.

My time up there was cool.

We're a Right-Oriented Society, People.
Deal with it or move to Angola!

It fucking bothers me when people don’t stay to the right. Like, the shit really grinds my gears.

I’m walking to work this morning in 16-degree weather with a strong wind coming off that Chesapeake, so I’m already pissed. I’m walking on the pedestrian footbridge that connects piers 3 and 4 and this lil white bitch who was running was all up on the right side of the bridge. At first, I thought she was just passing the guy who was in front of her, but the bitch stayed on the right and forced me out of my lane. That skank hoe is sooooo lucky I didn’t push her happy ass into that frigid water for fucking wit my morning flow.

I hate when people do this shit on the Metro escalators in the morning, too. STAY TO THE FUCKING RIGHT AND LET PEOPLE WITH AN AGENDA PASS!!! How hard is that?

He got a donk and a half!!!!! (NSFW)

I have been pretty risqué on this blog since it’s inception, but I’ve never taken it this far. I know this is mad inappropriate for a number of reasons, but I don’t care and if you don’t like it, then deal with it. Sometimes in life we have to bear with shit we may not want to.

18-years old or not…this lil boy could get poked for filth!!! Get into the natural arch in that back. Plus he’s from Baltimore, too. Lemme find out.

**slides chair closer toward desk to hide tent**

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Lupe Fiasco has sex appeal.

Saturday, December 20, 2008 10
I'm not sure why, but I'm up at 4am watching music videos. I love this song and I love this video and I have for a long time. Lupe's lil ass is alright with me.

Daydreamin (Featuring Jill Scott) - Lupe Fiasco

Thursday, December 18, 2008

So...Obama could have gotten it way before this whole US President thing....

Thursday, December 18, 2008 12
I would've munched on them cakes back in 1980 when he did this photo shoot at Occidental College in L.A. What did Michelle's ass do to deserve the best-looking President since JFK? She's lucky I like her.

Lucky bitch...

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I need a EFFING vacation!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 8

I'm not sure if you all remember this or not but...

The Excitable Bore and I went to Miami earlier this year and had an absolute BLAST!!! With cold temps and snow and ice (effing ice + hard bottoms = disaster, btw) returning to the mid-Atlantic, I want to go back. Plus, the first week of this new position is giving me all I can handle.

This pic taken from our hotel balcony brings back a lot of fun little South Beach memories.

Like the time we met up with That Dude Right There and he said I looked Arab because of the beard I was rocking at the time. I'm still NOT amused by that. I was most certainly amused when that French waitress got his southern ass RIGHT together for trying to speak Spanish to her when she CLEARLY said she was French. The half-naked men and women and warm weather and palm trees and beaches. Blah, blah, blah. I want it all, like...right now.

I need a vacation.

I'm not foolin' with DC on 1/20

So…I've officially ruled out doing the whole 'go to Washington for Obama's inauguration' thing I was considering not too long ago. It's not that it'd be difficult to do or anything. I live a short train ride away and could stay with my buddy who lives just minutes from the Mall. I just don't feel like dealing with DC’s security shenanigans..

NW Washington (especially along Constitution Ave.) is already a fortress and will be even messier that day: roads will be closed, traffic will grind to a screeching halt, the Metro will be filled to capacity, cops will be walking around (and riding horses) with big ass black guns. I had my fill of that when I did the Times Square on New Year’s thing.

I'm not in the mood for all that.

For those of you who don't know, DC is already a damn fool during rush hour on a normal day. On 1/20, Secret Service and US Military officials initially projected as many as 4 million visitors. Now, they're expecting just about 1.5 million, a more modest number, but still more motherfuckers than I'm willing to negotiate my way through.

I'm never been one to take well to cops with guns telling me I can't walk down a street I walk through regularly or waiting for hours at a Metro station to buy a fare card when I already have one. I'm just not down with that shit.

Obama's still my man, though. I wish him well. Its just that my black ass will wish his black ass well from afar. He'll understand.

Although, I have to admit I'll probably make it to his pre-inauguration day event in Baltimore. The woman who runs our office is such a politico that I'm sure she'd let us go.

Good luck to those choosing to brave the District next month. I'm with you in spirit.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Read this and wanted to share it. Hope someone benefits from the message.

Thursday, December 11, 2008 5
Failure does not prevent success. In fact, failure is what leads to success.

There is no failure, no disappointment, no mistake in your past that can stop you from taking a positive step forward right now. No matter how many times you may have fallen short of the mark before, success is closer than ever.

Each time you get it wrong, you learn more about how to get it right. Keep putting that growing knowledge and experience to use, and you'll reach your goal.

Every disappointment you've ever known is now in the past. The past is over and cannot hold you back.

Now is when you're able to move forward. Today you can take the valuable lessons you've learned and transform them into effective action.

Every step you've taken, whether it seemed to work or not, has brought you closer to success. Now go ahead and take the additional steps that will bring you all the way there.

-- Ralph Marston

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Has anyone heard from Dayne Avery?

Wednesday, December 10, 2008 4

I've been meaning to ask this for awhile now, but kept forgetting. Has anyone heard anything from Dayne Avery? He had been around pretty faithfully in 2006 and parts of 2007, but dropped off the face of the Earth in 2008. He did randomly make a comment here not too long ago, but I haven't seen him around since then.

I hope he's just so busy writing books and making appearances that he has had time to blog and visit blogs. If you're reading this, Dayne, I hope all is well.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

I'm sure I'm breaking a Commandment by liking this track, but whatev.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008 11

I've had this song on repeat for much of this week and last. It's like watching a really bad car accident on the side of the road. I know I shouldn't be this into it, but I am. I'm usually Neyo's antithesis, but [random D.C. boy] 'dis joint cranks hard, yung.[/random D.C. boy]

I can't front on Ne-Old or Oldie Foxx. They did their old man thing with this one.

I'm having a fucking cigarette. Sue me.

I'm not a huge [cigarette] smoker, but since I do enjoy one every now and then, I've gotta exhale on this one. Pun intended.

With that said, people are so fucking ridiculous when it comes to dealing with people who smoke. Like, really fucking ridiculous.

Smokers are always either being banished to the one heat lamp outside of the club or a seedy alley around back or a bus shelter retrofitted as a smoker's refuge (damn my office building) and it's not right.

If you aren't being banished, then you're being blacklisted. Folks at my last job we sooo anti-tobacco that I used to have to throw on my camouflage, walk alllllllll the way to the end of the building, sit in between these two shrubs and hope that I blend in just to be out of plain sight. Then, when I walked back into the office, I had to grab mints and head straight to the bathroom to wash my hands before heading back to my cube.

Yeah, it was that serious.

The way I see it, murderers get free food, clothes, shelter and a shot at a free degree or two on the people's dime while behind bars, rapists and perverts get to roam freely in our communities insofar as they place themselves on a list, yet you wanna blackball and send me to the back cus I want a puff?!?!? Getthefuckouttahere.

Not for nothing, my [black] President smokes and runs the free world. So, you really ain't got shit to say to me....at least not for the next four years, you don't.

Anyway, please get into my experience this morning while walking thru Johns Hopkins' medical campus on my way to the subway station around the corner.

And if one person tells me I could avoid this by not smoking or that I need to not smoke or anything referencing not smoking, I'm going to lay you out. I know all the risks and dangers associated. I don't need to hear that bullshit again.

You've been warned.

Me: (walking briskly cus it's cold as fuck....stops for a second to light up....continues walking briskly)

Officer: (hops out of his little security booth on the corner like he's fucking Clark Kent or some shit) There's no smoking in this area, sir. You're going to have to put that out.

Me: Oh, I'm not standing here. I just stopped to light it.

Officer: Sir, there is no smoking anywhere within these blue boxes on this side of the street. You're going to have to put that out.

Me: Are you kidding me? I'll cross the street then.

Officer: There's no smoking over there either.

Me: I walk this same route everyday and see people smoking as they walk and no one has ever stopped them. It's cold, sir. My ciggie and I will head to the other side of the street to appease you. Good day.

Officer: If you walk through those blue boxes on the ground while smoking, I'm writing you a ticket. I've advised you of the law.

Me: What?!? You're being so fucking ridiculous right now. Fine.

(take a loooong Angela Bassett-esque final drag, throws cig to ground and outs it with my shoe)

Me: I'll put it out. When I get to the end of this street, then I'll light another. I hope you find a better way to entertain yourself while you spend your whole day in the freezing cold than bothering people about smoking outside.

Monday, December 8, 2008

OJ Is A Hot Ass Pathetic Mess

Monday, December 8, 2008 6

I know I'm a little late with this, but so is OJ Simpson.

The sentence handed down against OJ Friday night in Las Vegas wasn't the type of sentence you get for stabbing two people, one of them your ex-wife and mother of two of your children, to death. The minimum of nine years Simpson got from that judge was for being a bum.

When he stopped getting by on his immense talent for carrying the football -- and he was about as great at doing that as anyone who ever lived -- Simpson thought he could get by on charm and on the fact that he used to be somebody on the football field. He couldn't act. He was just another guy on the broadcast booth. The only success he had on television was when he ran through those airport terminals in old Hertz commercials.

And then, when he was first accused of killing his former wife and Ron Goldman, what was his first instinct? He ran in that white Bronco. He was pathetic that day and has been pathetic since that day even if he was acquitted in this murder trial.

What really happened Friday night in Vegas, after that pathetic plea to the Judge, was that OJ Simpson finally stopped running.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Marcus Patrick really needs to give up this whole pretending to be straight thing.

Sunday, December 7, 2008 16

There's only so many excuses I can make to defend this man's supposed hetro status. Let's run down his resume: he strips often in front of majority male crowds, he posed fully nude for Playgirl magazine and its notoriously gay following (see pic about for visual proof) and now he's doing whatever this is with B. Scott.

Bwhahahaha @ him still holding on to that girlfriend/fiancee of his.

Note the erect penis during the lap dance toward the end of the video. In what world does a straight man get aroused by a tranny and allow said tranny to perform a lapdance...on the internet?

Speaking of androgyny, I just don't get the guys who's into that. The only hybrids in this world should be on the road and made my Toyota.

Friday, December 5, 2008

I'll drink to that!

Friday, December 5, 2008 15

Well, give me a fat bitch named Weezy, a receding hairline and call me George Jefferson cus I'm moving on up! That promotion I told you all I was up for at the office came through.

Despite a technical start date of 12/15, I've already started to see a gradual increase in responsibility. That's a good thing. Now, if only people would stop coming by to congratulate me, I can get some work done today.

Enjoy your weekend everybody.

From: Margaret Xxxxxxxx
Sent: Friday, December 05, 2008 9:08 AM
To: All_FOF_Users
Cc: FOF Board of Directors
Subject: Program Department Staff Change

Dear Staff,

It is my pleasure to inform you that [Mr. Jones], effective December 15, 2008, will transition from his current post of Program Consultant to Program and Training Operations Manager. He will be working primarily with [the Program Director] and will become the point-person on all operational aspects of the programming we do. We've all had an opportunity to see [Mr. Jones] in action, so you know what a marvelous move this is! Please stop by his office on the 3rd floor to congratulate him!


Margaret X. Xxxxxxx
Executive Director

Thursday, December 4, 2008

**Fans Self and Swoons**

Thursday, December 4, 2008 12

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Awww Skeet Skeet Goddamn!!!!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008 12

You know that skin-on-skin sound two sweaty bodies make when you're REALLY getting it in at 3am in the morning when you know you're roommate is out of town? You know, that "I-know-we-really-need-to-quiet-down-but-fuck-them-neighbors" popping sound that usually means you've officially entered the matrix and the sex is out of this world.

Don't front like you don't. And if you really are clueless, then that's unfortunate.

Well, I'm not sure where it's coming from or what's going on in this office, but I've been hearing something that sounds awfully erotic somewhere in this building. Construction workers have been in and out since I've been working here because they're adding retail space to the outside ground level, but I just looked outside and I don't see any of their trucks or hairy ass cracks.

I've been hearing this sound off and on for the last hour and have reached a conclusion: either someone's getting ran through/smutted out in the office next door or we have ghosts.

Stay tuned for details.
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