Tuesday, December 9, 2008

I'm having a fucking cigarette. Sue me.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


I'm not a huge [cigarette] smoker, but since I do enjoy one every now and then, I've gotta exhale on this one. Pun intended.

With that said, people are so fucking ridiculous when it comes to dealing with people who smoke. Like, really fucking ridiculous.

Smokers are always either being banished to the one heat lamp outside of the club or a seedy alley around back or a bus shelter retrofitted as a smoker's refuge (damn my office building) and it's not right.

If you aren't being banished, then you're being blacklisted. Folks at my last job we sooo anti-tobacco that I used to have to throw on my camouflage, walk alllllllll the way to the end of the building, sit in between these two shrubs and hope that I blend in just to be out of plain sight. Then, when I walked back into the office, I had to grab mints and head straight to the bathroom to wash my hands before heading back to my cube.

Yeah, it was that serious.

The way I see it, murderers get free food, clothes, shelter and a shot at a free degree or two on the people's dime while behind bars, rapists and perverts get to roam freely in our communities insofar as they place themselves on a list, yet you wanna blackball and send me to the back cus I want a puff?!?!? Getthefuckouttahere.

Not for nothing, my [black] President smokes and runs the free world. So, you really ain't got shit to say to me....at least not for the next four years, you don't.

Anyway, please get into my experience this morning while walking thru Johns Hopkins' medical campus on my way to the subway station around the corner.

And if one person tells me I could avoid this by not smoking or that I need to not smoke or anything referencing not smoking, I'm going to lay you out. I know all the risks and dangers associated. I don't need to hear that bullshit again.

You've been warned.



Me: (walking briskly cus it's cold as fuck....stops for a second to light up....continues walking briskly)

Officer: (hops out of his little security booth on the corner like he's fucking Clark Kent or some shit) There's no smoking in this area, sir. You're going to have to put that out.

Me: Oh, I'm not standing here. I just stopped to light it.

Officer: Sir, there is no smoking anywhere within these blue boxes on this side of the street. You're going to have to put that out.

Me: Are you kidding me? I'll cross the street then.

Officer: There's no smoking over there either.

Me: I walk this same route everyday and see people smoking as they walk and no one has ever stopped them. It's cold, sir. My ciggie and I will head to the other side of the street to appease you. Good day.

Officer: If you walk through those blue boxes on the ground while smoking, I'm writing you a ticket. I've advised you of the law.

Me: What?!? You're being so fucking ridiculous right now. Fine.

(take a loooong Angela Bassett-esque final drag, throws cig to ground and outs it with my shoe)

Me: I'll put it out. When I get to the end of this street, then I'll light another. I hope you find a better way to entertain yourself while you spend your whole day in the freezing cold than bothering people about smoking outside.

8 comments:

dickspot said...

The Daisies in Bolivia are lovely when the Contessa gives chocolates to the sparrows. But when the Swiss Admiral sneezes, the snails eat grass in the sun.

j_shanlin said...

hahahaha!! crazy. Not an Angela Bassett-esque final drag. I had a small smoking stint during the summer.. it was kinda cool. I still smoke a fug before i go into the studio. It makes me sound like john legend and kim burrell

Cocoa Rican said...

I know it's crazy in this day and age, but I smoke too and today don't give a HOT SHIT what anyone says. I know the consequences and have seen folks engaging in much worse. Right now, this is my vice and I like it. I'll suck on a cig, oppressors (sp) can such on my dick!

Mr. Jones said...

Dickspot - ?????

Jared - Ewww @ calling it a fug. That's so Baltimore. LOL.

Cocoa - I hear ya.

dickspot said...

Well, you were gonna tear me a new one if I had said what I REALLY wanted to say. (nothing like Blogging under the duress of thinly-veiled threats...)

I was just "Keeping It Surreal."

That Dude Right There said...

I'll quit drinking if you quit smoking!!!

adelen said...

There is now a new quit smoking drug available in the market. This latest breakthrough is known as Chantix. It is able to help smokers snub out their addiction by working on the brain.

Anonymous said...

Tell these gaytards that they place fags in there mouth so stop judging.

I am an exsmoker (3yrs) and the smell of it seriously makes me brain horny for the old days. However so does cleavage- so you dont go throwing a burka on every bitch you see and saying get out of here you people aren't welcome here!

No- it is called self control- you sigh and move on with your life. I personally hate being surrounded by something that I went through so much trouble to eradicate from myself but personal preferences should never dictate others.


If you wanna smoke-smoke. There may be some sense in banning (depending on ventilation)indoor smoking but sidewalk/outdoors is a no touch gimme. What would you do round them up in concentration camps and force oxygen on them?

Anyways people you are whinning about second hand smoke which is doing so little harm to you in comparison to those 10,000 tailpipes spurting out, that row of smokestacks each sending a ton of heavy metals every hour out.

When there is so much pollution in the air the sky itself has changed freaking colors- it is not from a tiny cigarette and you shouldn't be worrying about that as you got much bigger problems.

If you got no second hand smoke for all of your life you will still get lung cancer and have 3 eyed babies. Know why?Because you and everyone else wants your ipod's and gizmos to cost $50 instead of $750 and don't care how those savings are made. So we all deserve it. Smoke or no.

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