Friday, March 28, 2008

Blogger Family Reunion Stuff

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Dear Friends,

The weekend of April 18th –20th is quickly approaching and the 1st Annual Blogger Family Reunion is drawing near. I’ll admit to being really excited about meeting each of you who plan to make the trip to Baltimore.

The event planning committee has worked diligently to plan what we hope is a really pleasant and enjoyable weekend. I should mention that Darius and Cocoa have both been a joy to work with on this. Thanks for all your help, guys.

This post is intended to provide you all with the information you’ll need regarding the meet-up. If I miss something, feel free to comment with your question or to contact me by email at amerikas [dot] muse @ gmail [dot] com.


It’s important to note that there is no central hotel where most attendees will be staying for the weekend. Based on the feedback I’ve gotten, some people will be staying at hotels in the downtown area. Others will be staying just south of downtown at hotels in the BWI airport area. It’s all on you.

I’ll be staying at Hilton Homewood Suites, Harbor East that weekend. This will also serve as the location for the Friday evening and Saturday morning events. This will also serve as the central meeting point for events that we have planned throughout the city.

With that said, click here for a sampling of hotels located in the downtown area. If you find a property on Expedia or whatever that is further out in the city or suburbs and want to know about the area or it's proximity to downtown, then just shoot me an email and I'll let you know what I know about it.

Guest List:

So far, I have received confirmations from the following folks:

If you’re on this list and need to be taken off or if you are planning to come, but have been excluded from this list, please comment or email me to let me know.

Event Itinerary:

Note: The planning committee chose not to be all draconian and dictate what we do as a group. Instead, a list of three (sometime four) options has been prepared for most events listed below. We will review our options and decide as a group our final plans during the kick-off celebration on Friday evening.

Friday, April 18th – The Bloggers are coming!!

6pm – 10pm: Cocktail Reception (optional)
Come chill out with us as we wait for the other guests to arrive. Everyone who plans to drink should bring a bottle!
Hilton Homewood Suites, Harbor East

10pm – 1am: Official Kick-Off Celebration
We’ll get together, get to know each other a little better and have a good time. Again, if you plan to drink please bring a bottle for this, too!

Hilton Homewood Suites, Harbor East

Saturday, April 19th – Let's Get This Party Started

10am – 12pm: Breakfast (communally prepared)
Food options will be selected from an a list of pre-selected items on Friday evening.
Hilton Homewood Suites, Harbor East

12pm – 3pm: Fun Time
The group will select recreation option from a pre-selected list of suggestions on Friday evening.
TBD - Based on the group's decision.

3pm – 6pm: Free Time
Enjoy the sights and sounds of downtown Baltimore or just head back to your room to chill for a bit. Just take a few hours to do your own thing.
Where ever your little heart desires.

6pm – 9pm: Dinner
Resturant options will be selected from a list of suggestions on Friday evening.
TBD - based on the group's selection.

9pm – until: Flex Time
Entertainment options will be selected from a list of suggestions on Friday evening.

TBD - based on what the group selects.

Sunday, April 20th – It’s so hard…to say goodbye.

10am – 12pm – Brunch/Wrap-up
We'll enjoy a good breakfast and a mimosa or bloody mary or two before departing.

Gertrude’s Restaurant

Please feel free to contact me (or Darius or Cocoa) with any questions you guys may have. Again, I look forward to seeing each of you in April.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

I feel like it's been forever....

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I've been focused this damn national training my company hosted for much of the week and haven't really had the time to post or check other blogs. It's only been a fews days, but I feel like it's been an eternity. We must catch up.

So, this post is all about you.

What have you been up to? Any juicy gossip? News of note? Big plans on the horizon? Great sex to gloat about? You know my abstinent ass lives vicariously through you slutty bitches. If you're talking sex though, you better not spare the details....unless you're talking some freaky shit like butt plugs or Ben Wa balls or glory holes. Leave that to the imagination.

Oh, the blogger meet-up in Baltimore is coming soon!!!! Are you excited?

The planning committee has been working diligently to prepare a entertaining weekend for you all. in the coming days, please look out for updated information regarding the event. I think we're finally ready to let folks know what we'll be doing. Look out for that either tonight or tomorrow.

Other than that, I've got nothing. Feel free to chit-chat it up. Let me know what Mr. Jones has been missing.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

The White Woman and A Buck

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Fair warning: this is a entry about race.

It begins, oddly enough, with Cleveland Cavaliers star LeBron James on the cover of April's Vogue magazine. Now, the problem I have with this cover is that celebrity photographer Annie Lebowitz (who typically does wonderful work) captures him clutching model Giselle Bundchen a pose that looks a whole lot like an old King Kong movie poster.

LeBron is one of only three men (and the first black man) to have ever been featured on a Vougue cover. I've never really thought about the number of black males ever featured in Vouge, I suppose I'm happy that barrier is being broken. I must admit, though, that I'm none too happy that in 2008 the black male is still being publicly potrayed as a buck and brut.

This is not a trivial thing and I'm far past believing its coincidence every time I see a black athlete in magazines like this. Like this somewhat recent GQ spread that had Oakland Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell in a sweat suit and fur court looking like a coon on his way to spinning class while white quarterbacks in the same issue were presented in a far more sophisticated and non-cartoonish manners.

I don't heave all the blame on the photographers and editorial directors. I blame the athletes themselves for being driven by the not-so-mighty dollar and their slave driving agents and image-makers who don't just tell these people no.

Its time these athletes realize that the price of rising celebrity can not come at the expense of promoting unflattering stereotypes that do themselves and their race no good.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Just Ran Across My Mind...

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Tough Talk Tuesdays

I'm really thankful for all of the support and positive responses I've received regarding Tough Talk Tuesdays. I've also been getting your emails letting me know Tuesday passed two days ago and that you want your questions answered.

I haven't published Tuesday's vlog because earlier this week I did something stupid that resulted in a very minor head injury. I'm not going to go into detail, but just know that despite a couple of bumps and bruises and the fact that things could've been MUCH worse, I'm fine. I can't change what happened, but I can and will modify my behavior in the future.

With that said, Mr. Jones isn't broadcasting a damn thing with a two square inch piece of gauze taped down just above my eyebrow. No sir! And I'm hoping to hell that this heals completely before April because I'm not trying to meet you bitches looking like a young Anna Mae Bullock.

Tough Talk Tuesdays will begin when I feel comfortable getting in front of a camera.

You Heard It Here First

Because I like to keep your finger on the pulse of what's going on musically around the world, I want you all to meet British R&B artist Estelle Swaray. This is the video for her current single, American Boy featuring Kanye West.

The song is cool. It'd be better if Kanye wasn't involved, but she had to do something to get Americans to listen. I'm not sure if you'll understand what I mean when I say this, but the song (again...sans Kanye) has a very J. Crew feel to it.

Check it out.

I Had A Dream

I dreamed last night that I randomly decided to move from Baltimore to another city. The dream was particularly bizarre because I just stopped everything I was doing, took my savings and just up and moved. It's also weird because I've been quasi-seriously considering this for weeks now.

Sign from above much?

I've Been Feeling This Song For A Minute

I'm usually not into mainstream R&B, but I have to admit that I'm feeling the hell out of "Last Time" by Trey Songz and the video, too. We're all allowed a guilty pleasure or two.

I Really Need To Stop Spending

A friend and I met up downtown for happy hour at Cosmopolitan last night. I went in expecting to buy a drink or two and ended up with four cocktails, calamari and a bleu cheeseburger. What was supposed to be a $20 Wednesday night ended up being a $60 Wednesday night. WTF?!?

I've gotta do a better job at tempering my purchases.

Forever I Love Atlanta

I don't really love the place, but I will admit that Atlanta is a fun little weekend getaway that provides a change of pace from my normal day-to-day. I was just there not too long ago and I'm going back in May during the weekend of my birthday.

I know what you're thinking. You're saying...wait a minute. He just said he needs to temper his spending, yet he's panning trips. Before you get your panties all in a bunch, you should know that I'm forgoing my usual ultra-luxury, 5-star accommodations (ha!) for my buddy's sofa in his midtown apartment.

I think I can swing an economy class plane ticket and a few nights out on the town.

10,000+ Hits

This blog welcomed its 10,000th visitor earlier this week. I don't know exactly who #10,000 was nor do they get a special prize or music or balloons, but I'm really happy that people are coming here to read what I have to say. I have a stat tracker that I check a few times per day because I'm interested in knowing how folks are referred to this site and what they choose to look at while they're here.

I really appreciate everyone who stops by.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Jelly or Syrup?

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Friday, March 14, 2008

I've been thinking...

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This week has been a very introspective one for me.

It all started with a conversation I had with a very dear friend of mine Wednesday night. Since then, I’ve done a lot of thinking. I’ve pondered my strengths and weaknesses. I’ve thought about my positives and attributes that could be improved. I’ve considered my personal and professional futures. Primarily, however, I’ve been thinking about me and why I’m single two years after my last relationship.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life is that have to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with others. And I hadn’t been honest with myself for quite some time. For two years, I’ve told myself (and others) that I’m single because I wanted to enjoy the single life for a bit and that didn’t want to settle and be with just anybody. I’ve come up with all kinds of excuses for being single. I’ve criticized the dating pool in Baltimore. I’ve blamed it on my weight. I’ve claimed to need me time. I’ve come up with nearly ever excuse under the sun to totally absolve myself. “I’m not a clubber,” I’d say to my friends inquiring about my relationship status, “and I don’t do the internet thing and my gym is full of old white fogies, so I can’t meet anyone there. I don’t really put myself in a position to meet anyone, but it’s cool though. I’m just chillin…doing me.”

I’ve even come up with catchy little metaphors to explain to others that week’s excuse. I’ve used this one a few times:

My not doing the internet thing and rarely going to clubs is kinda like trying to selling a house…in a remote suburb…on a cul de sac tucked far, far away from the main road without having an open house. Besides, you wouldn’t sell your house before fixing it up. I have to deal with me before I can deal with someone else.

And all of that is true. Well, except for the part about not wanting to be with someone. Every human yearns intimacy, regardless of the bullshit they may spew.

I’m not a clubber and I really don’t go out often. I go to work, go to the gym (maybe) and go home and encounter very few people who would interest me while on that circuit. There is a shortage of quality people to date in Baltimore. I do wish I were thinner. Not going out does not put me in a position to meet good people and is like selling a house without having an open house.

But none of that really matters when considering the bigger picture.

I’m an attractive young guy who is smart, laidback, funny, witty and eclectic. I have lots of quirks, but who does? I am appreciative of and to life. I enjoy the little things that most people may overlook. I offer good conversation that can be as intellectual or as silly as you want it to be. And so what if I can stand to lose a couple of pounds. You all have seen the pictures. You know I’m no hog. Finding an acquaintance is not (or at least should not be) nearly as difficult as selling a house. In this economy and housing crisis, I should not be on the market longer than a 4-bedroom rancher in Phoenix…with or without an open house.

Herein lies the problem:

I’m too damn particular and can be down right snooty when it comes to choosing a partner. I have too many deal breakers. I look for this and that, but don’t have it all together my damn self.
I can’t be asking for a lawyer or doctor or a PHD when I am neither. I can’t be expecting someone to be in the 28% tax bracket when I’m not. I can’t be expecting people to have their shit in order when mine isn’t. I do need to better market myself by being more social and stuff, but reality is never mind a relationship, 85-90% of the people you meet in clubs aren’t worthy of a first date.

I’m not suggesting that I should lower my standards, because I shouldn’t. I don’t know what I’m suggesting, but I do know that I need to start being a bit more lenient when it comes to everything, which is weird considering that I really don’t think that I’m asking for a lot.

All I really want is a good guy who is a good lay that brings at least as much as I’m bringing to the table.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Things White People DO NOT Like

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**Disregard the video clip until you read the post.**

I've been meaning to publicly endorse Stuff White People Like for several weeks now, but just hadn't gotten around to it. I didn't want to dedicate an entire post to it and this seems like the perfect opportunity to kill two birds with one to speak.

I highly recommend this blog to every black and latino person in America. As a black man working in a almost exclusively white office, this site serves as my cheat sheet and has proven to be an invaluable resource!

You see, college, for me, was my first in-depth extended experience with white people. In high school I had opportunities to travel across the country and interact with different kinds of people, but I was still a relatively green and uncultured kid from one of the blackest big cities in the country. As you can imagine, my first semester in the dorms at Maryland was a cultural immersion program of sorts.

I just couldn't wrap my head around white people's love of golf and organic foods and Wes Anderson films and snowboarding and yoga. This site explained some of the behaviors I observe on a daily basis. I'm sure it could answer some of your questions, too.

If there's one thing I learned from this blog, and Micheal Vick, too, but mostly this site, is that white people love dogs. In fact, dogs is #53 on the list of stuff white people love. It doesn't have to be their dog or a dog they're familiar with. They love all dogs and they don't like when people fuck with dogs.

Don't get me wrong, other races love dogs, too, but like Stuff White People Like tells us, white people love dogs on a different level.

That brings me to the video clip. The Marine Corps is investigating a puppy throwing incident involving one of its soldiers. The original clip features 7,332 comments primarily denouncing the soldier's actions and a number of video responses from mostly white users that pretty much do the same. Some comments threaten even threaten the lives of the Marines involved. I told you white people don't dick around when it comes to dogs.

I personally think killing and torturing animals is wrong because, well, I've owned a dog and totally understand how helpless and special they are, but some of these people need to relax a bit get their priorities in line.

For a number of reasons, humans die en masse abroad and stateside everyday and I've yet to see one video response to those atrocities. In fact, I'd be willing to bet money that for every 3987 soldiers that have died in Iraq since the war began, one...maybe two stray dogs have been thrown off cliffs.

I'm not saying. I'm just saying....

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Shame On BET

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I watched BET's College Hill - Atlanta last night and was personally offended by what I saw.

I know what you're saying: anybody silly enough to actually watch something on that network deserves what they get. I'm already embarrassed to admit to tuning in, please spare me a lecture.

I'm sure I'll catch some flack for this, but I'm used to saying things people don't always agree with. This is no different. The socially disengaged will say I'm "doing too much". The apathetic will say that it's just a show and that it isn't that big a deal.

Reality is, it's not like I ever gave a fuck about them in the past, so why start now?

Anyway, BET once again squandered an opportunity to send a progressive message directly to the prototypically homophobic black community it claims to exist to serve. It's not like this isn't their pedigree though. BET has shown what kind of cloth it's cut from in the past.

If you didn't see the show, consider yourself lucky. For context's sake, there was a some speculation that Dorian, one of the house mates, was gay. I thought the show was going to take the high road because the girls' reaction to the speculation was that it wasn't really that big a problem. Dru, the house mate expressing the concern, disagreed and called for a male-only meeting to discuss the issue.

A conversation between Dorian and Dru, the homophobe, went something like this:
Dru: Dude, you cool people. You seem like an alright dude, but I gotta know...

Dorian: You gotta know what?

Dru: I just gotta know, shawty.

Dorian: The answer is definitely no. Somebody already came and told me what you were wondering.

(here's when I really wanted to vomit)

Dorian: It's cool though. It's a common misconception.

Dru: So people always ask if you're gay?

Dorian: Yeah, no doubt. I'm used to it by now.

(here's the kicker)

Dru: Oh, alright, shawty. I just needed to know.

Dorian: Oh,'s cool.

(Dorian starts shucking and jiving and trying to be all buddy-buddy and shit. You know, the gay version of cooning...homo-ing?)

Dru: Yeah, sorry for being cold before...I just didn't know.

Dorian: Yeah, I was wondering...

(the two dap up and walk off into the sunset being BFFs and shit)
Seriously consider the messages that sends to the people who watch that program.

Somewhere, some little gay boy was watching this at home in his momma's nightgown and playing with his Barbie that's how I survive in "the life". To get people to play nice in the sandbox, I have to either be completely OK with being wrongly accused of faggotry and being treated like a fucking social pariah by those very peers who incorrectly perceive me and my behavior or subjugate myself by denying my sexuality all in the name of being "one of the boys.

Now think about what that says a young homophobe. It's totally cool to convene a fucking public interrogation to inquire about what someone does in their bedroom. It's not just OK, "it's cool" because "I just had to know, shawty."

Well, fuck that and fuck Dru for being a smug, homophobic bastard. Fuck Dorian for not checking those dudes when they approached him with that tomfoolery and fuck BET for airing this shit.

I'm so sick of American media doing this shit.

BET could have stressed to the impressionable youth and adults who elect to watch the crap it spews that not only is it cool to socialize and live with people who may subscribe to different beliefs and ideology, but that it's absolutely expected in life and that turning their personal life into a public spectacle is a no-no. I'm fine the sitting down and talking and airing an amicable solution. I just think it was BET's responsibility to impart a progressive lesson along the way.

I'm glad Dorian dealt with that though. Better him than me. If Dru had come to me with that bullshit, the conversation would've gone a slightly differently.

My ass would've been sent home after the second episode.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

I think a groupie touched Omarion's booty.....

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Edit: Being the investigative (read: nosey) blogger that I am, I just had to know what this kid was saying during this tirade and who could have made him show his true colors (pun intended). Besides, watching video with no audio is like having sex with no orgasm. If I've have to actually think and be imaginative afterwards, I could've stayed home and polished myself off.

Anyway, this clip is apart of one of the promos for a show Bow Wow and his Boomarion did for BET last year.

I should have known BET was somehow involved.

I found that he is really going off on somebody and that although I'll admit to having been slightly entertained, I'm sad to report that this wasn't the award-winning performance in faggotry it initially appeared to be.

It's still fun to watch son daughter pop off though.


Pop off, Bow Wow. Pop off like the bitch you are and the over-the-top diva continue to prove to be.

Somebody sit this little lady down.

Monday, March 10, 2008

The Really Funny Grape Lady

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I know this is about two years old now, but it's still one of the funniest videos on the internet. The parts I most enjoy are the Academy Award worthy performance the lady gives when she falls to the ground and the news anchors' reaction to it.

Despite being one of my favorites, I refused to post this here because, well, I pitied this bitch. So, what caused this sudden change of heart, you ask. I thought, you know, someone out there right now is having a really shitty day, and maybe when they see this their whole mood will turn right around.

You're welcome.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Gnarls Barkley - Run (Official Video)

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Friday, March 7, 2008

Weezy, you got some 'xplaining to do.

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I'm all for safe sex and all things that promote it.

With that said, I have to ask what the advertising executives at Strapped Condoms were smoking when they came up with the concept for its latest ad featuring Baby's F., Weezy? They should pass some of whatever it was this...unless it was crack. I want no parts of that.

When companies are trying to sell things, don't they usually tend to use a little eye candy and feature actual attractive people in their advertisements? I wonder why they used Lil' Wayne. That's a face only a mother (or Birdman) can love.

You can't even brown bag that.

To top things off (pun intended), the visual of an Elton John stand-in bending Lil' Wayne over the hood of a cop car in a most suggestive manner doesn't really scream "BE SURE TO USE CONDOMS WHEN YOU SCREW!" Or does it? Maybe that's why he's grimacing in pain the way he is.

Don't those condoms look like something you'd buy at in another country or from an Asian street vendor on Canal St. in Manhattan?

This bitch is MAJOR.

If you thought I was on the accelerated track to official stan status after reading my previous references to her (those posts can be found by clicking here and here), then, well, here's more amo for your arsenal.

Please get into the latest pics of Victoria Beckham. How can you not love her? Especially when she's all up in and on the cover of the April 2008 edition of British Vogue looking this good.

Note those pouty lips. I love when she pushes those out. This is the softest I've seen her photographed in a long time.

Daaaaaaavid must be breaking her down.

Photos Courtesy: The Popcrunch Show

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Is President Bush on drugs? I think so.

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President Bush never ceases to amaze me.

I mean, this man is the political leader of the wealthiest, most influential nation in the world and commander-in-chief of the most power military force on earth. As a graduate of Yale and Harvard Universities (and son of a former U.S. President), he has had unbelievable access to some of the best education on this planet. Yet and still day after day he proves himself to be nothing short an embarrassment to the United States and, to a much greater extent, a simple simpleton. Actually, to be fair, when he keeps his mouth shut he almost pulls off the illusion of competency, but the President can't be mute, only a dunce.

The YouTube video above is a clip of the Bush endorsement presser held yesterday at the White House. Please get into it so you can see exactly where I’m coming from.

This particular clip doesn’t show it, but before the shot went live, CNN’s cameras caught the President of the United States shooting the breeze with reporters and doing a little jig just below the South Portico balcony.

Troops are dying daily in Iraq and Afghanistan, we’re bombing terrorist camps in east Africa like its going out of style, crude oil is trading at record highs, our economy is in dire straits but the fucking leader of the free world is shucking and jiving at the very spot where heads of foreign states are received like this is the goddamn roaring 20’s or something. Then again, I suppose I shouldn’t expect too much from the man who "wasn't aware" that gasoline is expected to hit $4.00 per gallon this summer.

And poor John McCain. I’m not a fan of his (or his bionic arms) by any stretch (pun intended) of the imagination, but I do feel for him and the precarious position he’s in. He and Bush went toe-to-toe for the same job eight years ago and he hates the man’s guts they’ve bumped heads over policy ever since, yet, for political reasons, he has to accept his bosses bullshit stamp of approval.

Anyway, get into the video. Get into how Bush simple dominated and barely let the Senator speak. Get into how inappropriate Bush acted throughout the entire presser. I feel like this presser should've come with a fucking two drink minimum.

You’re on the fucking South Lawn of the White House, not the Laugh Factory, George. Act like you know it.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

This commercial is funny as hell... [REPOST]

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I used to post some classic shit back in the day (read: late-2007) that some of you new comers may have missed. Nothing ground breaking or earth shattering, just some funny or interesting shit that I want to see again. So, I'm gonna start reposting some stuff starting with this commercial.

I wrote about this in October and still die from laughter every time I see it on tv. That long-necked, gum chewer was none too pleased with that mouthy wifey bitch.


Originally Posted: October 7, 2007

This Orbitz gum commercial came on TV today. I swear I re-watched it 15 times. I couldn't stop rewinding my Tivo.

Keep an eye on home girl with the long neck. She did not like being call a "doo-doo head cootie queen" one bit. Look at her chew that gum. She can't wait to pounce on that lent licker.


Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Random Updates

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Miami Wrap-up

Miami was a blast and a real treat. When I left home that Thursday it was 14-degrees in Baltimore and there was snow on the ground. As you can imagine I was immediately enamored by the weather, that perfect ocean breeze and those fascinating palm trees.

Although I’d go back to visit in a heartbeat, I have my reservations about living there. The weather and people are gorgeous -- for the most part. It does rain (and apparently hurricane) without much warning and some of the guys I saw (outside of South Beach) looked like something out of the next Harry Potter book, but, ya know, what are you gonna do?

I have to commend Royce on being a fantastic travel companion. We really had a lot of fun together. I’ve said a number of times on this blog that I’m fairly cantankerous and can be a little difficult to deal with at times, but I have to admit that he handled me like the seasoned vet he is and I thank him for that. Never once did I think that the trip was too long, or that I needed space/personal time or that I was just flat-out ready to go home. We had one small spat over ideological differences but given my track record in situations like these, I’d take that in a heartbeat.

Overall, it was really good to get away, but I didn’t really want to come back.


Up In The Club

Under the cloak of night and behind a very sharp pair of dark shades, I made a rare appearance at a Baltimore nightclub last week. As I attempted to avoid the faggotry, I ran into a very dear friend of mine who can’t seem to avoid the punk and circumcision.

We don’t see each other very much of late, which is unfortunate because I always enjoy watching him do, well, whatever it is he calls what he does. I particularly enjoyed him the other night because he was in what people who don’t know him as well as I do might call rare form.

I took note of his antics…literally. I told him that he would be blogged about and read like a novel. Not only did he not mind, he relished the opportunity to be discussed. Some people do anything just to make the front page.

If he were a C-lister or better, there's a chance he could read about himself in TMZ. Because he isn't, he gets covered by JMMDATG. I’m still trying to decide if that says more about him or this blog.

Anyway, because I consider him a friend, I refuse to provide truly scathing commentary. Besides, I know he lives for that. But I have no problem providing the facts and letting public opinion hang him. Now, my one and only disclaimer is this: he was pretty tossed up. Please don’t take this disclaimer as my making excuses for him. I’m sure the convo would’ve been just this outrageous even if he weren’t drunk.

Me: You seem to know a lot of people here.

Friend: Yeah, well. What can I say?

Me: Like…that white guy. What’s his story?

Friend: Oh, he works for Delta. He bought me a round-trip ticket.

Me: In exchange for….

(Slight pause)

Friend: And that’s AJ right there. He has a big dick. And him right there…he has big dick and has money.

(He pauses to exchange pleasantries and who knows what else with a passerby)

Me: So, wait…how many of these people have you actually fucked?

Friend: Well, AJ, the guy with the big dick, I've fucked him before. The guy who was just here...I'm gonna fuck him tonight.

(Shake It, Jiggle It by Young Leek begins playing…he rushes to the dance floor.)

Friend: Oh shit! Get into this. Watch me. You Tube this shit.

(Several minutes later….So Into You by SWV begins to play)

Friend: Oh, shit! I feel like I'm at a high school ring dance.

(From across the room he sees something he doesn’t like)

Friend: Hold on. Ill be back. I see somebody pushing up on that guy and I can't have that. I don't do competition. I eliminate it at all costs. Blog about that!

(Several minutes later)

Friend: Somebody take me home....I'm done.


Birthday Wishes

Today is That Dude Right There's birthday. Everyone should run over to his blog and wish him well.


Jane R.

Jane R. is the shit! She (and her cleavage) bought my lunch today. For being so fantastic, she deserves this shout out.

Thanks again, Jane.


Random Sex

Although I’ve had my reservations before I’ve definitively decided that at this point in my life indiscriminate sex is just not for me. I’ve tried it twice in the last four days with no luck either time. I couldn’t even get it up during the first encounter.

I didn’t peg myself as the lovey-dovey type, but I guess I need a bit more than a wham-bam. Damn.

Yesterday was the day the sky fell and anarchy began...or was it

I’ve talked about in November about mandatory drug sentencing minimums and how much I despise them. I just wanted to give you all this update.

Yesterday was the day the Justice Department has been warning about. When our country’s jails and prisons start opening their doors releasing up to 20,000 hardened drug criminals into back into our presently pure and perfect society.

There will be soooooooo many savages people released all at once. And these just aren’t any people; these are ex-offenders who have shown that they are repeat wrong-doers without the possibility in many cases of any kind of transition or re-entry program to bring them from prison back to the streets. I mean, these are like…super duper wrong-doers.

A nightmare scenario if there was ever one, right?

That's the nightmare but the reality is far less terrifying. According to the U.S. Sentencing Commission, of those 20,000, only 1,600 are immediately eligible to apply for early release. And most of them are not career criminals. To give you some perspective, CNN is reporting that there were a grand total of four inmates released on Monday.

If that didn't make you feel a bit better, then maybe this will. Judges have a great deal of discretion to decide what the term “release” really means. They can also impose intermediate protections as well or refer someone to a halfway house or to home confinement for some period of time.

So, in conclusion, I suppose what I’m saying is if you were concerned about needing to clutch your purse tighter because of these people being released, fear not. Besides, it’s probably your sex offending, identity stealing, blow snorting neighbor you need to worry about anyway.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Thoughts and Prayers

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Edit: I just wanted to thank you guys for the calls, emails and comments. Your kind words were greatly appreciated.

I'm not going to go into detail, but please keep my family and I in your thoughts and prayers as we deal with a trying family ordeal.

Thank you.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

If I ever held a press conference this is how I'd do it.

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