"Ughhh...You Trifiln' And Your Baby Fah-vah Lyke Men Lyke Shyyyt"

A typical conversation between two typical girls from DC.

Like shit.

Sadly, this doesn't shock me at all.

You know I usually my finger on the pulse of world news, right? Typically, I'm getting it information as it happens directly from the incredibly fuckable T.J. Holmes and the fine folks at CNN, the most trusted name in news. I'm not sure how, but this little tid bit slipped right by me. I don't know where I was or what the hell I was doing that caused me to miss this in May of 2005.

Let me explain where all this is coming from.

If you hadn't already figured it out, I'm really feeling Me'Shell Ndegeocello's newest CD. The first song is called 'Haditha'. It's basically about the signs of the end of time. At first I figured this was the name of one of her lesbo lovers, but no, it isn't.

Being the knowledge/information whore that I am, I did some research. I found that Haditha is a city in Iraq and the site of one of the biggest U.S. military cover-ups in recent history.

Here's the scoop. A group of US Marines were doing their soilder thing in Iraq one day when they were attacked by insurgents using a roadside IED. One marine was killed. Two others were injured. The US military put out a statement saying...one marine and fifteen civilians were killed yesterday during a roadside attack in Haditha.

Thank god that somebody checked on this, because what investigators found was a nasty military cover up. Those very solders who were attacked went back massacred villagers -- women, children, whomever. They didn't care. One of theirs died and somebody had to pay.

I told you I had my finger on the pulse of what's going on. What's being a couple years late between friends?

You all don't usually respond well to world news, but this is something you need to know. I attached a BBC article and highlighted the important parts for you.

Given our government's track record this doesn't surprise me at all. I don't blame the rest of the world for hating our American guts. If I were nationalized elsewhere, I'd hate us too.

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What happened at Haditha?
By Martin Asser
BBC News

Haditha is an agricultural community of about 90,000 inhabitants on the banks of the Euphrates north-west of Baghdad.

It lies in the huge western province of Anbar, which has been the heartland of the insurgency since US troops led the invasion of Iraq to overthrow Saddam Hussein in 2003.

It is a dangerous place for the US marines who control this part of Iraq - and for the inhabitants, caught between insurgents and American troops.

See differing accounts of Haditha deaths

On the morning of 19 November 2005, the Subhani neighbourhood was the scene of an event that has become like the regular pulse beat of the insurgency - a roadside bomb targeting a US military patrol.

It killed 20-year-old Lance Corp Miguel ("TJ") Terrazas, driving one of four humvee vehicles in the patrol, and injured two other marines.

A simple US military statement hinted at the bloody chain of events which the attack started - though subsequent scrutiny showed it to be far from the truth.

It said: "A US marine and 15 civilians were killed yesterday from the blast of a roadside bomb in Haditha".

"Immediately following the bombing, gunmen attacked the convoy with small arms fire. Iraqi army soldiers and marines returned fire, killing eight insurgents and wounding another."

Video footage

The tragedy of Haditha may have been left at that - just another statistic of "war-torn" Iraq: a place too dangerous to be reported properly by journalists, where openness is not in the interests of political and military circles, and the sheer scale of death numbs the senses.

However, a day after the incident, local journalist Taher Thabet got his video camera out and filmed scenes that - whatever they were - were not the aftermath of a roadside bombing.

The bodies of women and children, still in their nightclothes, apparently shot in their own homes; interior walls and ceilings peppered with bullet holes; bloodstains on the floor.

Mr. Thabet's tape prompted an investigation by the Iraqi human rights group Hammurabi, which passed details onto the US weekly magazine Time in January 2006.

Before publishing its account on 19 March, the magazine passed the tape to US military commanders in Baghdad, who initiated a preliminary investigation.

Following their findings, the official version was changed to say that, after the roadside bomb, the 15 civilians had been accidentally shot by marines during a gun fight with insurgents.

Nevertheless, on 9 March the top US commanders in Baghdad began a criminal investigation, led by the Naval Criminal Investigation Service (NCIS).

On 7 April three officers in charge of troops in Haditha were also stripped of their command and reassigned.

Click here to continue reading.

Source: BBC News
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The World According to Chris Crocker

When life gets you down just flip your hair and you cool again...apparently. Look at the pink lipstick. I think this guy is hilarious.

New shit for '08 (revised)

I made a few changes. I hope you enjoy. I've been thinking about doing something different to this blog for awhile now, but I'm just getting around to doing something. In between all that masturbation this past week I actually took time to write the XML/HTML code. See, my holiday break from the office was plenty productive. I really think the changes makes your whole experience here a little better. Because that's what I aim for this to be now...an experience.

I think the blog looks cleaner now and is a little more interactive, a lot more functional and a little less amateur. I plan on randomly updating those '__________ of the moment' sections with some frequency. Those will probably be really random. What can I say? I'm a random guy.

Visually everything looks fine on my end. Let me know if you experience any technical/formatting issues. Also I'm still looking for ways to improve so feel free to leave suggestions, questions, concerns, etc. via email (see the new 'contact me' section in the left column) or comments.

Tell me what you think.

Nothing of Note

I'll be the first to admit I'm just blogging to blog here. This is fluff at it's finest. It's very appropriate though given the week I've had. I haven't done a damn thing since last Friday when my office closed for the holidays and I'm eating this free time right on up. Usually I'd be complaining about not having anything to do, but no. Not this time.

I'm sure you've been pondering endlessly and are just begging to know exactly what Mr. Jones has been up to.

Well, I've lots of very recuperative and much needed sleep. I've been taking in lots of Netflix rentals. I watched Noah's Arc for the first time ever. It was marginal at best, but entertaining enough for me to continue watching. I've gone running and biking. The weather has been too good for me not to have enjoyed some of it. I've been enjoying loads of newly downloaded porn. Pardon the pun. In fact, between Tuesday night and just a few minutes ago I've masturbated more than I had in all of December combined. My meat is beat....literally.

Tomorrow afternoon I have errands to run -- the bank, Target, the barbershop. Tomorrow evenng I'm going to the mall to see what these post-Xmas sales are looking like, then dinner and a movie.

Anyway, my loves, I have to run. One of my homies just asked me to come over and I've gotta get ready.

I'll talk to you bitches later.

Is he wearing Batman briefs? I think he is.

Are these the Hanes joints from way back in the day? I haven't seen those since 1986. LOL @ Soulja Boy.

This explains an awful lot...

UPDATE: I don't know if you all have been following this story, but it has more twists and turns than a damn soap opera. Raz B recended his claims. The brother still stands by his allegations saying Raz B was coerced into recanting. Now Raz B is supposedly missing. If this was about free press, then mission accomplished.

I knew all along that something wasn't right about this situation. Four pretty little post-pubescent boys singing and dancing and prancing around half-naked. It all just seemed too Never Never Land-ish for me.

Former B2K member Raz-B today posted these videos on You Tube claiming he and other group members were molested by record executive/cousin Chris Stokes. Nasty.

New Year's Resolutions

I'm usually not one to do this, but here goes. I really don't know when it's appropriate to reveal these, but with just a week remaining in 2007, I think I'm good. I've jotted down a few resolutions for the new year. At the very least, I can come back to these in 2009 to see how I did. Here's my revised list:

• I will make a road trip outside of the DC, Baltimore, Philly, NYC corridor.
  
  
• I will allow myself to be open to the possibility of falling in love or at least meeting someone.
  
  
• I will have sex in Q1 2008.
  
  
• I will walk/bike/take the train more and drive less.
  
  
• I will masturbate SIGNIFICANTLY less often.
  
  
• I will make and save more money.
  
  
  

Home Sweet Home (Revised)

I first posted this video last night, but thought about it more and decided to edit it today. Initially I wrote this:

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How disheartening is this? I honestly don't know what else to say. This is not the Baltimore I know. :-(

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That isn't good enough. I have this really bad habit of shifting blame. I think we all do. None of this is my fault. Blame it on the city, the state, the parents, the system or the man. Just don't involve me. As long as my little world remains unaffected, I'm pretty cool.

We come up with all sorts of excuses and reasons to absolve ourselves. We proclaim on national television that bad things happen in the black community because 'George Bush doesn't like Black people'.

We love our scapegoats. I know I do.

It makes our lives easier to blame another entity. The absolute truth is each of us is the problem. Nobody takes personal responsibility for anything anymore. Think about our values and how we live. Our degrees and net worth somehow make us righteous members of society and hell, all that hard work must entitle us to a little righteous indignation, right?

We need to rethink the way we view the world and ourselves in it and stop placing blame. After all, the only thing we can really control is ourselves. We need to rethink progress and what it means to be human and civilized. We've lost sight of all of that.

Let's be real here. The people in this video are just extremist extensions ourselves. They do the same things we all do on a daily basis. We fight to not only survive but to thrive and so do they. We don't like when people try to stop us from doing what we want to do and neither do they. We wield our power and influence to get ahead. We justify our actions by reminding ourselves that it's our right to do what we need to do when we get ahead. They do the same.

Of course this is sad and disheartening. But, this is America, after all. Our home sweet home.

The spitter ain't got shit on these bitches!

You know, just when I thought I had my fill of gully girls in 2007 I stumbled across this article about two hoes (pictured below) and their pathetic male partner in crime (click on the link below for a picture of him) who sexually assaulted a couple of UNC football players.

Now...Just by looking at their pics I can see how it might be tough to find a man (or animal) actually willing to have sex with these "women". But attempted rape? Come on, have some class. At the very least they could have drugged the man. Leave him with some self-respect.

Could you fucking imagine being approached, let alone attacked by these wildebeests? Yikes!

Anyway, for your convenience I've bolded the most ridiculous parts of the article.

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Women Charged With Sexually Assaulting UNC Football Players
Posted: Dec. 20 3:25 p.m.
Updated: Today at 5:43 a.m.

Hillsborough, NC — Three UNC football players were the victims in a kidnapping, robbery and sexual assault incident involving two women, the university confirmed Thursday afternoon.

Chapel Hill police said the assault happened about 3:30 a.m. Sunday at an apartment complex where all three victims were bound with tape and then assaulted by the suspects.

At a bond hearing Thursday, Orange County Assistant District Attorney Morgan Whitney said police arrived at the scene and found two of the victims, tied up, in boxer shorts. The third victim was fully clothed with his hands tied.

At least two were sexually assaulted, Whitney said. He is still waiting on the final police report to see if the third man was also. None of the victims required medical attention.

"I am relieved that the players were not injured," UNC head coach Butch Davis said in a prepared statement Thursday. "We will assist them in any way we can."

Prosecutors said the victims met the suspects – Monique Jenice Taylor, Tnikia Monta Washington and Michael Troy Lewis – during a birthday celebration at a downtown bar and that they all went back to the victims' apartment.

Initially, one of the football players welcomed sexual advances from Taylor and Washington, Whitney said.

"They brought him back and put him in the bedroom," Whitney said. "When the victim left the bedroom, there was a naked black male in the hallway who had a knife."

Whitney said Taylor then pulled off the victim's pants, pushed him down on a bed, attempted to tie his hands with his belt and started to fondle him against his consent.

"The more that he wrestled, Mr. Lewis put his knife further, or closer, to the victim's neck," Whitney said. "Ms. Taylor fondled his private parts. He repeatedly said no, and as he continued to resist, Ms. Taylor and the codefendant, Ms. Washington, began to beat him in the face."

Taylor's attorney, Glenn Gerding, said the fondling was consensual.

(Click here to continue)

You want in? Not dressed like that.

Meet Ms. Kevin Logan.

His high school principal in Gary, Indiana, allowed a female classmate to attend prom wearing a tuxedo. But when Kevin -- a male student who has worn female clothes to school for the past two years -- showed up in a prom dress, the principal didn't like that one bit. She actually physically blocked the entrance so Kevin couldn't get through.

Lambda Legal, the LGBT civil rights group, is now suing the school on behalf of the student.

Kevin Logan’s classmates rallied to his defense, arguing with their principal and asking that she let him in, to no avail. Some classmates even decided to forgo the activities inside in an effort to include their friend. So clearly it wasn’t Logan’s classmates that had a problem with his gender expression.

To justify her actions the principal pointed to a school policy that forbids “clothing/accessories that advertise sexual orientation, sex, drugs, alcohol, tobacco, profanity, negative social or negative educational statements.” Lambda Legal staff attorney James P. Madigan says:

“The fact that sexual orientation is lumped in with drugs and profanity in the school’s dress code is just plain offensive, but even more troublesome is that the whole policy is in violation of students’ First Amendment rights.”

Should this kid have been allowed inside the prom wearing his dress, pumps, new hair-do and make-up? What say you? Let me know.
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It's 9am and I'm already over it.

UPDATE: The holiday thing was cool. It was very unconventional. We went bowling and had lunch at this place in the city. I'd never been there before and it's a place I'd include into my date rotation. My mood (thanks in part to a couple gin and tonics) has certainly lightened this afternoon. The only thing that sucks is that we were asked to return to the office afterwards. Who does that?

It's been a trying morning.

My dog woke me up at 5am wanting to go out. I spent 20 minutes scraping ice off my windshield in 20-degree weather...the wind chill is 16◦. There was a backup on I-95, which caused a back-up on the Baltimore-Washington Parkway. I tried to detour and got lost in South Baltimore. Not my favorite place to be. When I finally got back downtown, there was a back-up getting onto the JFX -- a water line had burst which caused icy roads. Traffic was diverted away from the very JFX that I just spent 30 minutes trying to get to. I was late to work. My boss didn't like that. Today is our second holiday party in the last five at work. I'll be expected to be chipper.

Bitch, please.

Bitch, Please!

True Story

We met on Facebook. You know, the social networking site. We're both in the 'I have a Blackberry...I'm out of your league' group. He's in the Baltimore network, too. He hit me up asking how I liked the Blackberry 8700c. Random, but valid question. I have no fucking clue. I don't have a 8700c.

I played along.

12/7/07 - 8:21pm - I think it's a great phone and AT&T is a great network so I think it's a good look.

12/8/07 - 7:17am - Oh yeah? I had the 7100i before I didn't really like it.

12/8/07 - 10:33am - Me too. I started to really hate that phone.

Between us, I have no clue how good or bad AT&T's service is; I'm a Sprint customer. Anyway, some time went by. I didn't really think any more of it. Then on Tuesday:

12/11/07 - 7:02am - Yo, I got the phone. Good look on the advice.

I mean, you're welcome, but I was really just blowing smoke out of my ass.

12/11/07 - 8:37am - No problem, man. Don't even worry about it. You like it?

12/11/07 - 8:41am - Yeah man, I love it. I'm still trying to figure some stuff out.

12/11/07 - 8:47am - I understand. You'll get it eventually. I feel like you're a pretty smart guy.

12/11/07 - 9:02am - Yo, lemme get your PIN. (PIN = a Blackberry thing...don't worry about it.) I'm about to hop off Facebook and get some work done.

Did I just get picked up on Facebook? Well, that's a first. It's not that I didn't know Facebook is quickly replacing your favorite sex site as a venue to meet potential soul mates (read: fuck buddies). I'm no fool. It just had never happened to me and I've been on there since 2003.

After some back and forth, he mentioned he was going to the Barnes and Noble at 33rd and St. Paul near Johns Hopkins. He wanted me to join him.

I braved that wintery mix to meet him at Starbucks this morning for coffee.

He's 26 and is originally from Oklahoma. I could tell. His accent wasn't thick, but he definitely wasn't from Maryland. He studied finance and pledged Kappa Alpha Psi (I know all about those damn Kappas) at the University of Tulsa, then moved to Baltimore to get his MSF from the Carey School of Business at Johns Hopkins. Now he works downtown on Water Street for Deutsche Bank Alex. Brown.

He likes art and music. The Walter's Art Gallery in midtown is his favorite Baltimore museum. Erykah Badu is his favorite artist all-time. He lives on the 17th floor at 39 West Lexington, a swanky building that just opened on downtown's Westside. He buys art pieces for his crib from a small black-owned gallery on Charles Street which he demands I check out. He likes Pazo, too. I was impressed.

It was my turn.

You all know my story. University of Maryland. Go Terps. Non-profit. Disadvantaged youth. Blah, blah, blah.

We sat and talked about lots of things from music to politics to sports and almost everything in between. I was so engaged, but he had to go. He was running late for an appointment, but wanted to schedule another meeting at a bar, perhaps.

He said he'd hit me up on Facebook.
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The Quarter-life Crisis

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

Have any of you bitches ever been to Brazil?

So...I decided today that I want to go to Brazil (or Brasil if we're being authentic). I wasn't really influenced or swayed by anyone or anything. I'm just real random that way. I've always admired (read: wanted to have sex with) a Brazilian of African decent, but I've never actually considered traveling there or any South American city for that matter. Well, I wanna go. Hopefully I'll get that opportunity in 2008.

I'd like to focus of the southeastern region of the country. I really wanna see San Paulo and Rio de Janeiro. The Rio Harbor and the Christ the Redeemer statue (both pictured above) are both things I'd liek to see before I die.

Now, I just need to find someone to go with.

Have any of you ever been? Do any of you (except Captain) want to come with?

Happy Birthday, Royce!!!

Today is Yet Another Black Guy's birthday. In this post we congratulate our resident old man on yet another healthy, happy and productive year and wish him many, many more in the future. I should mention that I took the liberty of buying an AARP membership for you. You should expect your first copy of the old timers magazine when you return to Florida.

Seriously though, man. Have fun in Chicago, but not too much. Don't forget we're celebrating when you're up this way next month and again in Miami in February.

My best always.
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My Guide to Bomb Sex

Although I'm not getting any at the moment (and haven't had any in quite some time), I sat down and created this top-10 list. A guide, of sorts, to toe curling, mind blowing sex. I tried to cover all bases, but feel free to leave comments adding additional rules I may have missed. Special thanks to That Dude Right There for your consulting work. Your check's in the mail. Don't cash it just yet though.

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1. Despite my current drought, let's get one thing crystal clear: I am not desperate. Good sex starts way before you reach the bedroom, so before any date with me, have a bath...please. Oh, and cologne on a dirty body and/or dirty clothes doesn't help, it hurts.

2. Sex gymnastics isn't a good look; it's distracting and fucking unnecessary. I didn't sign up for Cirque du Soleil. Flipping and dipping and weird positions is guaranteed to annoy me. Focus on mastering the basics and you'll do just fine.

3. This is a big one (forgive the pun). Thrusting and bucking like a teenage jackrabbit for hours and hours without finishing doesn't impress me. It's boring and it makes it numb and sore.

4. Learn to give outstanding head. No exceptions. This a deal breaker for me. If you need lessons, please click here for TDRT's 10/09/07 post on the topic.

5. Don't even think about approaching me with any of those nasty ass fetishes like water sports or bondage or fisting or anything beyond what normal people do. I'll smack the shit of you (not in an S&M way either), then ask you to leave.

6. Don't you EVER push my head toward your crotch. It's impolite, bitch. You need to be patient. It'll happen eventually if you play nice. And when it finally does happen you should never thrust yourself into someone's mouth or hold the side or top of his head. If he needs guidance, then you're stupid for letting him down there.

7. Everyone knows that good sex is mostly mental and in my mind it's all about me. Before you get your panties in a bunch, don't worry. I take pride in making sure you enjoy yourself. I'm a gentlemen like that. Focus on me and you'll get yours. Trust me.

8. We must, I repeat, WE MUST wear a condom. I rather enjoy my HIV/STD-negative status and would like to maintain it. I certainly don't play that "Oooh baby, lemme just put the head in" bullshit either. You're either with it or you ain't. If you ain't, it's all good. No hard feelings.

9. Please know my schedule and mood. Sometimes I'm down with the TLC and kissing and cuddling, but most of the time I'm not. I'm a man and I've never met a man who'd shy away from a good, satisfying quickie.

10. Despite being #10 on my list, it's #1 in my mind. We're both grown ass men, so be experienced and if you aren't, then practice or read a book or rent a flick or ask Jeeves. Just do something. My body shouldn't have to come with a fucking road map. I have no problem sharing what I like and dislike, but I shouldn't have to coach you through the process. I'd rather polish myself off if that's the case.

Penn State students mock Va. Tech victims with halloween costume

Its not like I needed another reason to hate Penn State (PSU, WVU, and UVA are Maryland's natural football rivals) but its classless student body continues to give me reasons to hate it more. These bastards have sunk to new lows. A couple of these whores dressed like Virginia Tech victims for Halloween. Tacky, right? No. Tacky is going to someone else's house to fuck your boyfriend because despite being a Step 2, GS-11 federal employee (google it...you'll get my point) and being three months away from your 29th birthday you still live in your momma's basement and your 27 year-old boyfriend stays in his daddy's den (yes, that was a read.) What these Penn State students did is deplorable and just plain mean.

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Students Dress as VT Victims, Cause Outrage

Lindsey Henley

WSLS NewsChannel 10

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Full phone interview with Penn State student (Windows Media)
Reaction at Penn State
Video

Two Penn State students, dressed as Virginia Tech shooting victims, at a Halloween party have enraged people from the Virginia Tech community, as well as the entire country.

10 On Your Side has seen all of the controversial pictures. They are of two Penn State students and are extremely graphic. Both are wearing Virginia Tech t-shirts and elaborate make-up. Both have bullet holes in their bodies.

Our decision not to show you the pictures is a result of our desire to be sensitive to a community that is still grieving. We also want to show respect to the shooting victims, their families, and their friends. Showing these pictures would serve no purpose.

We talked with one of the students who wore the costume. He said the outfits were worn to a small party and meant to be private.

"It's not that it was funny, it's that we are notorious and infamous in the state college, so we have to do things that push the envelope just for shock value," he said.

Penn State officials were quick to respond to the costumes.

"We are appalled that these individuals would display this level of insensitivity, indifference, and lack of common decency and sense by dressing up in this manner," the school said.

"The fact that one of these individuals is actually from Virginia, makes it even more difficult to understand. Just because something is within the bounds of the Constitution and free speech, does not mean it should be undertaken. We certainly condemn these ugly and senseless actions. Most Penn Staters are as offended by this as anyone from Virginia Tech would be-- and rightfully so. These two people do not represent 90,000 Penn State students. They represent themselves."

After seeing the pictures, a Virginia Tech student created a Facebook group called, "People Against This Costume." Some of the upset members have left threatening messages to the Penn State students.

"This is a group of college students who now think it's trendy to be upset about their friends being killed," one of the two Penn State students who wore the costume said. "I don't know what they teach people in Virginia Tech, but at Penn State we don't learn to threaten people with murder to teach them that murdering is wrong."

He goes on to defend the pictures.

"The thing is, everybody's making a big stink about Virginia Tech. Virginia Tech was 32 deaths out of the 26 thousand that happen in America everyday," he said. "That's the problem with college students. They all live in an ivory tower of privilege. They don't understand, when it all boils down to it, it's someone wearing a costume."

Reaction from Tech students and Blacksburg residents was disgust.

"That somebody would have the nerve to mock [the victims]. They were really good people," said local business owner, Carol Gwin.

Gwin knew three of the victims in the shootings and considered them cherished friends.

She spat in his face

No snappy intros and clever segues needed for this one, folks. It is what it is: she spat in his face.

Let me backtrack a bit.

I’m sitting on my sofa last night nursing my self back to health with a glass of red wine and a doobie (yeah, it’s been that kind of week) when I get a phone call from "Ms. Lyles", one of my dearest friends. She asked if I had a minute to talk. For her, absolutely.

Let me tell you a bit about her.

We met freshman year at Maryland and I’ve loved her dearly ever since. She works for a multi-state law firm based in Baltimore, so you know the credentials are well and in tact. She dresses her ass of and sports the bossiest hair cuts you’ll ever see (think Ellen Barkin as Abigail Sponder in Ocean's 13.)

She’s sweet as pie, yet as sassy as she wants to be when she needs to be. She’s cool as a fan in December, but don’t test her cause she’ll let you have it in a heartbeat. She’s agreeable and easy going but don’t try her because she doesn’t tolerate nonsense. She’s one of my closest friends in the whole wide world. She’s an awesome woman and I tell her that all the time.

With that said, I muted the Lakers-Nuggets game I was watching. She needed to talk and she had my attention.

Her: I did something terrible today that I've never done before and I hope you don't think any less of me after I tell you this.

Me: Oh shit, what happened?

Her: It's really, really bad. I'm just gonna say it.

Me: Ok. (pauses Tivo. I didn't want to miss a second of this. Whatever this turned out to be.)

Her: Well, I spit in someone's face today.

Me: WHAT?!?!?! YOU DID WHAT?!?!

Here's the scoop. She and a mutual friend stopped at an Inner Harbor bar after work for Happy Hour. After some wine and a couple mixed drinks, they parted ways. She flagged down a taxi and before getting in asked the driver if he accepted cards b/c she wanted to pay with plastic. He said he did, she got in and she was on her way home.

They weren't even five minutes up the street when he made his first mistake:

Driver: Why can't you just get out and get cash? Why do you have to pay with your card?

Her: Excuse me? I'm paying with my card b/c I'm paying with my card. I don't want to pay with cash. I told you that before I got in and if it's suddenly a problem, I'll get out right now.

Driver: Cash is just easier for me.

Her: Well, It's not easier for me.

I told you she was sassy when she needs to be. I don't blame her for snapping back though. I know how taxis drivers can be. Add that attitude to the fact that buses and other taxis were passing her by and the 20-degree temps and snow last night and that spells disaster...for anyone crossing her. She was tipsy and ready to go home. Besides, she's paying him for a service and he questions her about how she pays? Fuck that. He should take this fare in wooden pennies if that's what she has. Either way, he's getting paid. I digress...

They finally get to her house. When he pulls up, the meter reads $16.02. She gives the man her card and he claims to have to call it in to verify. He keeps the meter running while he's doing this.

Her: Sir, you're going to have to hurry. I'm tired and I have to use the bathroom. I'm ready to go into the house.

Driver: The line is busy. I have to call back and you'll have to wait.

Her: Well, that's not my problem. You need to speed this process up.

This fool finally authorizes her card or whatever, but for an amount greater than $16.02. He charged her for time that he sat there trying to authorize her card.

Her: I'm not paying this extra amount. You need to re-run this for the correct amount.

Driver: No. You use card. You pay for the time it takes to authorize this.

Her: I'm not signing this receipt until you re-run it for the correct amount. I'm not paying for the drive and the time it took you to do whatever it is you had to do. I'm not doing it.

Driver: Well, I'm not giving you your card back until you sign the receipt and if you don't sign, I'll call the police.

Her: Call them, please. I'm not getting out without my card and I'm not paying this extra amount.

After some back and forth, they finally settled on the initial amount. She got out of the car and the driver decided to take this thing to another level. As she walks away, he rolls down his window and starts screaming all sorts of expletives and calling her all sorts of names. The driver is African and I know some Africans already come to the US with a chip on their shoulder and think that they are better than African-Americans. He didn't like being challenged (and bested) by a woman and he thought he could just spew his shit and she would roll over. See, he let the overcoat and Loro Piana cashmere by J. Crew fool him.

They went back and forth for a bit. He continued the name calling. She lost it and lobbed a loogie right in that man's face and walked the fuck away.

After absorbing everything that was said, I laughed and laughed and laughed. Remember I had that wine and a jay before she called. After I composed myself, my initial, honest-to-God reaction was, 'That is the most gangsta shit I've ever heard in real life.'

She was really concerned about what I'd think about her. No worries, dear. I don't blame you at all. Not one bit. I mean, I've never been pushed to that limit before, but wouldn't rule it out. If he said to me some of the things he said to her I might have spat in his mouth and made him sallow it. You just never know what you're capable of when someone pushes your buttons. Besides you were a little tipsy. No worries at all.

We're going to a Maryland Basketball game at Comcast Center tonight at 8. The Washington Redskins play the Chicago Bears at FedEx Field at 8:15, too. Between the Maryland game, the Redskins game and normal rush hour bullshit, I know traffic is gonna be a mess. I was concerned because people like to get crazy on I-95 under duress. I'm straight now, cus I'm riding with a G.

.

Song of the Moment

Love Common. Love this song. Its been on repeat on my iPod for the last 20 minutes.

I'm sick...

It doesn't happen often, but someone can celebrate victoriously b/c they've finally infected me with their nasty, filthy, disgusting germs.

I woke up this morning to snow and temps in the mid-20s. Not to worry though, I'm sure the 98-degree fever I have will keep me warm. I decided to go into the office because, well, I'll be sick at home so I might as well be sick getting stuff done in the office. How's that for work ethic?

I hate being sick. I'm too on-the-go to be sick. I've got a basketball game tomorrow night, a conference on Sunday through Tuesday and a trip to Delaware the following Friday. I shouldn't be sick.

If I ever find the common bastard who gave me this common cold from I'm going to punch him/her in the nuts.

That is all.
.

People say the darndest things...

Ever since That Dude Right There linked me to overheardinnewyork.com I've been writing down peculiar things I overhear throughout the day. When someone says something stupid or entertaining or whatever I pull out my Blackberry and note it. I don't write down everything just things that make me chuckle. I always tell myself that one day I'm gonna write a book using these. Maybe I'll start overheardinbaltimore.com.

Stuff I overheard in November:

Female coworker: Who wants some man meat?
Male Coworker: I do! I want some man meat!

Boss: You're on drugs.
Employee: I used to be a pothead when I was younger. I'm ok now though.
Boss: You sure about that?

Obnoxious gym rat to his friend the other day in the locker room: She does your laundry?! How'd you swing that? You stopped the premature ejaculation?

Homeless guy (with sign) at stoplight walking past my car today: [points to sign] MONEY!

Boss to group: We should have a happy hour on Fridays just for our division back here in the office.
Me: I don't think upper management would approve that.
Boss: We'll get a keg and fill it with wine. We'll call it a wine-erator.

Ghetto girl exiting past my table at Longhorn while talking on her cell: Girl, I just left a $1.92 tip.

A rich bitch telling her friend standing near me a story at Arhaus furniture store: And so I said to him, 'this is a $3 million dollar home and she's acting like she's in a trailer park.'

My barber on Saturday: I'ma grown ass man, dawg. What the fuck I look like doing the 'Superman that Hoe' in the middle of the dancefloor at a crowded ass club? The most I'll do is turn that joint into a slick two-step.

Girl at the downtown Whole Foods to friend on cell: Exactly. Why am I obligated to tell him I'm on my period?

Worker at Home Depot to his coworker: McNair is washed up and Billick loves Boller. Billick and Boller are butt buddies.

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Bonus exchanges from this weekend:

At a gas station in Hagerstown, MD* -- home of the largest maximum security prison in Maryland -- stopping to get directions:

Me to the clerk at gas station: Hi. I'm looking to get directions?
Clerk with an Appalachia drawl: You looking for the correction facility?
Me: What?! No, I'm not looking for the correctional facility. I'm trying to get to Prime Outlets and I didn't like that racial shit.

*Hagerstown is about 1 hour and 30 minutes southwest of Baltimore. The next closest city is Frederick which might as well be called 'Fredneck'. Hagerstown gives you more of the same. This place is literally minutes from the Western Maryland-West Virginia-Western Pennsylvania boarder. Basically its a town of yokels. I go because of the outlets.

At Wendy's drive through:

Drive through clerk to me: Can you pull to the front parking lot? We'll bring your food out.

[10 minutes later]

Me: Thank you. I need honey mustard though.
Wendy's worker #1: [Blank stare. He doesn't speak English.]

[A couple minutes later he comes back with a native speaker]

Me to Wendy's worker #2: I need honey mustard.
Wendy's worker #2: Oh no, sir. We don't do that. You would have to go back through the drive-through.
Me: I just sat through that line and because you couldn't serve me quickly enough you asked me pull aside. I complied and now you expect me to go through the line again for condiments? You're out of your fucking mind. [rolls window up and drives off]