Tuesday, December 11, 2007

My Guide to Bomb Sex

Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Although I'm not getting any at the moment (and haven't had any in quite some time), I sat down and created this top-10 list. A guide, of sorts, to toe curling, mind blowing sex. I tried to cover all bases, but feel free to leave comments adding additional rules I may have missed. Special thanks to That Dude Right There for your consulting work. Your check's in the mail. Don't cash it just yet though.



1. Despite my current drought, let's get one thing crystal clear: I am not desperate. Good sex starts way before you reach the bedroom, so before any date with me, have a bath...please. Oh, and cologne on a dirty body and/or dirty clothes doesn't help, it hurts.

2. Sex gymnastics isn't a good look; it's distracting and fucking unnecessary. I didn't sign up for Cirque du Soleil. Flipping and dipping and weird positions is guaranteed to annoy me. Focus on mastering the basics and you'll do just fine.

3. This is a big one (forgive the pun). Thrusting and bucking like a teenage jackrabbit for hours and hours without finishing doesn't impress me. It's boring and it makes it numb and sore.

4. Learn to give outstanding head. No exceptions. This a deal breaker for me. If you need lessons, please click here for TDRT's 10/09/07 post on the topic.

5. Don't even think about approaching me with any of those nasty ass fetishes like water sports or bondage or fisting or anything beyond what normal people do. I'll smack the shit of you (not in an S&M way either), then ask you to leave.

6. Don't you EVER push my head toward your crotch. It's impolite, bitch. You need to be patient. It'll happen eventually if you play nice. And when it finally does happen you should never thrust yourself into someone's mouth or hold the side or top of his head. If he needs guidance, then you're stupid for letting him down there.

7. Everyone knows that good sex is mostly mental and in my mind it's all about me. Before you get your panties in a bunch, don't worry. I take pride in making sure you enjoy yourself. I'm a gentlemen like that. Focus on me and you'll get yours. Trust me.

8. We must, I repeat, WE MUST wear a condom. I rather enjoy my HIV/STD-negative status and would like to maintain it. I certainly don't play that "Oooh baby, lemme just put the head in" bullshit either. You're either with it or you ain't. If you ain't, it's all good. No hard feelings.

9. Please know my schedule and mood. Sometimes I'm down with the TLC and kissing and cuddling, but most of the time I'm not. I'm a man and I've never met a man who'd shy away from a good, satisfying quickie.

10. Despite being #10 on my list, it's #1 in my mind. We're both grown ass men, so be experienced and if you aren't, then practice or read a book or rent a flick or ask Jeeves. Just do something. My body shouldn't have to come with a fucking road map. I have no problem sharing what I like and dislike, but I shouldn't have to coach you through the process. I'd rather polish myself off if that's the case.

16 comments:

Infamous said...

I have to cosign with this list, especially numbers 1-10 lol, but for me there needs to be an addendum. A bonus if you may. *11* No you can't put it on my face, or even anywhere near me for that matter. Where you CAN put it is in a towel, or a napkin that can be neatly folded and disposed of accordingly.

That Dude Right There said...

Thanks for the free advertising on my consulting company!

#3 is my favorite though. I'm not the interstate, so you don't have to ride me for hours.

#6 is a close second too. I have teeth and I will use them if provoked.

ThisMightBeMe said...

Okay...the list is on point and I can agree with each and every number. I feel the same way.

The Captain said...

After doing all this- then what? I mean, does sex really stop after you physically "release" yourself? That's typically selfish.

fuzzy said...

I can definately get behind 4 and 6! Those are big ones whether you are giving or getting!!!

Quickies are fun but often leave you wanting more not too long after it is over. I have learned that emotional mind blowing intimate sex will keep you satisfied for days and possible up to a week or more without wanting more! ahhhhhhh (reminiscing)

I don't know what to say about #10. Sex should be a learning process... If you don't know then find out but the idea is to remember to make the next time less informative...

Mr. Jones said...

Infamous - I'm so with you in the addendum. I'm not a cum dumpster.

TDRT - No problem, guy.

thismight - lol...glad you approve.

Captain - You should never concern yourself with having sex with me. Thus, ignore this list.

Fuzzy - It's more about my partner knowing me and what I'm interested in at the moment than it is about me always wanting a quickie. Sometimes, I'm just not up to going forever and ever.

bLaQ~n~MiLD said...

Hmmmmmmmmm... I again am at a loss for words LoL.

Kyon Saucier said...

I have to say I agree with all you said except for the shoving my head to your crotch part. I kinda like it a lil ruff sometimes....

life said...

TDRT is becoming notorious for his sex game/advice. I can concur with this list. We need to post this in everyones' bedroom (I'm sure their will be a few things added), so ppl know the rules. Some ppl have been mis-educated in this area.

Cocoa Rican said...

Wow...
Y'all better go ahead. I had the eerie sense that someone was preparing their intended...LOL
Get it all pa!

Arkiem said...

very very good! I love it!

Darius T. Williams said...

Pretty hilarious...I've got a list too. But, these comments are google-able.

The Captain said...

I haven't said s*** about having sex with you. I don't even know you!

Mr. Jones said...

This post on which you've commented twice is exclusively about someone having sex with me. Don't concern yourself with it, b/c you'd never have the opportunity. Just keep it moving.

yet another black guy said...

the title of alone had me cracking up. :D good pointers though.

RocaFella07 said...

You are a trip!!! LMAO!!

Ummmm what exactly are the "basics"?? LOL!

;-)

Post a Comment

It's no fun if you don't say anything.

Blog Widget by LinkWithin