Friday, November 21, 2008

Home For the Holidays...With A Twist

Friday, November 21, 2008


I don't believe in the idea of "coming out". It has nothing to do with being afraid or ashamed of who I am or what I do, cus trust me when I tell you that I do what I do when I do it...if you know what I'm sayin'. To me, it's silly for the expectation to be for me to announce the sex of the person with whom I share my most intimate moments to the world for no other reason than because they happen to be the same sex as I am.

Don't get me wrong, if I tell you, I tell you, but this whole grandiose dog and pony show that some people put on is a stupid concept pushed by ridiculous heteros who think they are entitled to full disclosure about everything including what (and whom) I do in my bedroom.

It's pretty absurd concept when you really consider it. Imagine a straight dude sitting his family down to, in a most dramatic fashion, proclaim his love of females and all things vaginal. I bet you never thought of it that way. Other gays may subscribe to other beliefs, which is fine by me if it works for them, but you'll never catch me having a press conference about taking one for the Gipper.

With that said, my family and I have never had the "conversation". They've poked, they've prodded, they've snooped, they've asked around, and while I'm sure they know, they've never heard it from the horse's mouth. Perhaps because someone's usually in it.

I kid, I kid. Anywho...

My Ma calls me like two days ago to ask about my plans for Thanksgiving, which is strange because I've never not been home for the holidays. The telephone conversation went like this:
Ma: What are you doing for Thanksgiving.

Me: Ummm, eating with you guys.


Ma: Oh, ok. (slight pause) You know you're welcome to bring friends over for dinner, right?


Me: Ma, my friends have their own families to eat with. I'll be there though.


Ma: I know, I know. I just wanted to let you know that they'd be welcome. It doesn't matter who they are...male or female.


Me: (chuckle) Ma, you're a mess.


Ma: What?


Me: Nothing. I'll be there though.

So, we started talking about other stuff and then I mentioned that a girl I went to high school with was preggos and expecting next month.
Me: Oh! So, Laura called me today to tell me that Elana is pregnant. Her baby is due next month.

Ma: Elana...Elana. Is that the girl who's mother was German?

Me: No, Ma, that's Carmen. I haven't seen her in years. Last I heard, she was a lesbian.


Ma: And that's OK. It's OK that she's a lesbian. We have a cousin who's a lesbian, you know.

Me: There are lots of lesbians, Ma.
Now, my mother's no dummy. She knows that I'm damn near 25 years old and she hasn't seen any girls around, no talk of kids or marriage, etc. I'm also sure she's come to grips with the fact that her only son is a homo and truth be told, I think she's honestly fine with it.

Because she's been so good lately, I've been thinking about telling her this Thanksgiving...over dinner, perhaps. I envision our talk going something like this:
Me: Ma, this turkey is wonderful. Nice and tender and juicy...just how I like my meat.

Family: (awkward silence)

Me: Can someone please pass the rolls?


Me: (takes a bite) Wow!!! This buns are nice and warm and soft...kinda like that guy I was in the other night. Well, on second thought, he baby oiled his ass before I dug in.

(pauses and looks around)

Ahhh, margarine!


Family: (blank stares)


Me: Man, that was good. I saved room for dessert. Is anyone else suddenly in the mood for some cakes?!?
I think that'd go over well, right?

16 comments:

bLaQ~n~MiLD said...

FOOL!!! ROTF!

Ok, my absolute favorite parts of this post are:

1st: "I just wanted to let you know that they'd be welcome. It doesn't matter who they are...male or female." YEEEEESSSSS mamma, READ!!!

2nd: "And that's ok. It's ok that she's a lesbian. We have a cousin who's a lesbian, you know..." YEEEEESSSS mamma betta lump you in with the girls Jones! READ two.

3rd: "Nice and tender and juicy...just how I like my meat." Now if you promissed me that your dinner would go like that, I'd be come with you to your family dinner just to be like "Me too!" ROTF!!

~Damnit!

Mr. Jones said...

Momma Jones tried it, right?

mp1 v.8.0 said...

*lowers head in shame*

I shouldve known the direction this post would take. But that's why I follows this blog.

That would be the most awkward Thanksgiving ever.

But I'm sure your mother would be completely fine with it. lol

PRIMO said...

That would be the most hilarious comedic thanksgiving ever I would pay to sit @ the table and just look at the facial reactions.

Kyon Saucier said...

That was hilarious but you know I thik since she already knows you may just want to tell her but please not over dinner.

Mr. Jones said...

MP1 - Yes, yes. I'm ridiculous. I thought you knew.

PRIMO - I take certified checks, money order, cash and credit cards. There's a minimum charge when using debit. Step into my office. LOL.

Kyon - Hey you! Dinner will give a great opportunity for lots of double entendres. It's a must!

La said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

You are SUCH a fool, lol.


But Mama J tried it, lol

I just think parents don't know WHAT to say about ANYTHING sometimes. Any choice that you make, good or bad, they don't always know how to approach it with you. Because more than anything, it is signifying that, yes, their child is no longer a child. Bless her heart.

Darius T. Williams said...

NO - that WILL NOT go over well. But it'd be a perfect SNL skit!

Jersey Brotha said...

LOL that would be a mess!

But you know what they say....a mother always knows.

Pharaoh said...

LOL Jones, you Stoopid! =)

but I like!....

One Man’s Opinion said...

I think that conversation would hella good over well....I gotta tell you, I too have always wondered why the homosexual community had to "come out". It like you have to explain why you have a wiener and you like wiener. How do you explain that shit?

One Man’s Opinion said...

I think that conversation would hella good over well....I gotta tell you, I too have always wondered why the homosexual community had to "come out". It like you have to explain why you have a wiener and you like wiener. How do you explain that shit?

Cocoa Rican said...

Okay...so I read this at work and managed to spit coffee on my monitor and have half the office mention what the fuck was I laughing at! You're a fool.

Mr. Jones said...

La - Mom did try it indeed. She means well tho. LOL.

Darius - Good. I'm tryna be mentioned in the same breath as Tina Fey.

Jersey - True, but still. It's the principle of it, you know.

Pharoah - Why, than you.

One Man's - Exactly.

Cocoa - No worries. I'm sure that was your 3rd or 4th cup of the morning. Caffeine fiennin' ass. LOL.

Promiscuous X said...

OMG im late once again but game Jonees lol To fuckn funny oh wow lol...Please keep me posted on this lmao..If you decide to tell her lol

Keith Jones said...

LMAO! OMG I love it.

Post a Comment

It's no fun if you don't say anything.

Blog Widget by LinkWithin