Wednesday, January 14, 2009

A Bunch Of Random Reposts From 2007

Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Last night, I had nothing else better to do had a bit of time to myself last night, so I decided to read a bunch of the stuff I wrote when I first started this blog back in April 2007. Just to, you know, see where my head was at during that time.

The following is random shit from old posts circa 2007 I still think is funny.

April 29, 2007 - Berries and Cream

OMG. I'm so glad I found this. I used to love this commercial. I've already watched it like 10 between last night when I re-discovered it and today. Make that 11.

Random Musings - May, 31, 2007

I remember these snooty bitches like it was yesterday. Two fairly young post-college white girls. They had this little exchange as I was folding clothes over by women's suits when I worked at J. Crew part-time in '07.
Girl #1: OMG, did you hear about what happened to Liza? Her house burned down and she’s staying in a Red Cross shelter.

Girl #2: Yeah, I feel really badly for her. I heard the office was taking a collection for her and her family.

Girl #1: I heard. I decided not to give though. (hold up a $250 cashmere cardigan) I don’t have extra money.

Me: (Looks up at her)

Girl #2: I know what you mean. People get themselves into situations and expect others to bail them out.

Me: (Looks at her)

Girl #2: (to me) It’s the truth.

Me: (Stares silently. Continues folding)

Girl #1: Now I feel bad.

Girl #2: I don’t. Isn’t there a Banana Republic nearby?

June 27, 2007 - News Article

I used to post a lot of random new articles, but you hoes would never comment on them. Here's one from June 2007. I remember reading this in The Sun and thinking it would be a terrible thing for smokers in the area. The next day my guy called to let me know he had a new order in.

I wonder whatever became of this motley crew. LOL @ them speeding and getting caught with all this shit.

Police find 42 lbs. of marijuana in traffic stop
Two men were transporting drugs from New York City to Washington, police say

By Liz Kay
Baltimore Sun Reporter
Originally published June 27, 2007, 6:24 AM EDT

Maryland Transportation Authority police arrested two men yesterday after police said they discovered nearly 42 pounds of marijuana in their station wagon during a routine traffic stop on Interstate 95 in Baltimore County.

A police officer stopped the driver of a 2006 Dodge Magnum south of White Marsh for speeding and following too closely, the authority said in a statement.

Raymond A. Sharpe, 25, of Lithonia, Ga., and Dewight Antwain Stephens, 26, of Hallendale, Fla., were charged with possession of marijuana and other charges, according to the release.

The two, who police said were transporting drugs from New York City to Washington, were being held on $100,000 bail at the Baltimore County Detention Center, according to the statement.

June 20 2007 - Bushisms

These need no introductions. Prepare to laugh -- and cry.

  • "Information is moving -- you know, nightly news is one way, of course, but it's also moving through the blogosphere and through the Internets."

  • "You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that."

  • "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."

  • "They misunderestimated me."

  • "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?"

  • "Tribal sovereignty means that; it's sovereign. I mean, you're a — you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And therefore the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities."

  • "I'm the master of low expectations."

  • "I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace."

  • "If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator."

  • "I'm the commander — see, I don't need to explain — I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being president."

July 9th 2007
Ma'am, do not count to 10...beat your kids!

Apparently, this happened while I was in Whole Foods once. I don't remember it, but given the abundance of soccer moms at the Whole Foods near my old office, I don't doubt it.
Girl: (crying loudly)

Mom: Stop it! Stop it this instant!

Girl: (still crying) I WANT A COOKIE!!!!!!

Mom: I offered you options and you chose not to make a decision. You can hold onto the ice cream, ok? Let's go pay.

Girl: (falls limp on floor and starts crying more loudly)

Me: (completely bewildered and alternately staring blankly at the woman and the screaming child)

Mom: Get up Sarah. I'm not kidding.

Girl: I WANT A COOKIE!!!!!!!!!

Mom: Sarah, I'm gonna start counting.

Girl: (screaming)

Mom: 1-2-3-4...

September 24, 2007 - Chris Crocker's Crazy Ass

Random clips of You Tube celeb Chris Crocker. For a hot minute I thought he was the funniest thing every. Every fad has its day, I guess. He's a damn fool though.

November 28, 2007 - Taking matters into my own hands.

I don't know what the hell was going on with me in November 2007. I must've been going through a dry period or something. I can't think of any other reason I'd be researching radical masturbation techniques. Now that I think about it, I don't think I ever tried any of these. No time like the present, right?

Masturbation that Isn't Boring

Men have been masturbating basically since the dawn of time. In fact 99% of men masturbate, the other 1% lie about it. Although men and women both do it, men tend to think about it or plan it out more. Usually it is done in secret, maybe in the bathroom before work, or after the wife goes to bed. If you are lucky enough to live at home then you could masturbate all day long. Male Masturbation is usually about the final outcome, the intense pleasure that you know so well.

If you are getting bored with the basics of masturbation, then you should try some different male masturbation techniques. There are quite a few of them out there to give your hobby a new feel. One male masturbation technique that has been tried and enjoyed by man men is the Two Hands Full technique. It is a motion that is similar to milking a cow, the idea is to keep the motion going continuously by taking one hand and moving up, and follow right behind it with the other hand. It keeps the foreskin and testicles all the way up all the time so you have constant pleasure. You should use lubricant because of the fast motion, and it does take some practice but when it is done correctly you may never go back to the regular way.

Another different male masturbation technique is the pole straddling technique. Place a small pole or a broomstick between your legs and hold it steady while you masturbate. Moving up and down with your hips, you will find that as you are about to ejaculate your anus actually hugs the pole giving you an almost unbearable sensation. Again, this is one that you will have to practice before perfecting. It is worth it though.

Male masturbating techniques come in many forms and with different objects that can be involved. Here are just a few of the others:
  • One Top, One Bottom – Hold the top of your head with one hand, while moving your other hand down towards your testicles.

  • Packing Tape Technique – Wrap tape around your fingers and lubricate it to receive a whole new feeling of excitement.

  • Wringing It Out – Although it may look strange and painful, it is quite pleasurable. Take your penis and wring it out like you would a washcloth. Start slowly and use lubrication to avoid friction.

  • Glass Ball Technique – Move to the end of the bed so your testicles hang off. Place a glass underneath and let your balls fall into a tight fitting glass. Ejaculate like you normally would, pushing the glass with your testicles in it up against your perineum for an ultimate orgasm.
Again, there are many variations of techniques that can be used. Take your time and find something you like. One very important male masturbation tip to follow is to try to use the stop and go method while master bating. Masturbate till you are just about to ejaculate and then stop for a few minutes, and then start again until you are right about to have your orgasm, and then stop again. By the time you reach the 3rd or 4th time your orgasm with be more intense and longer.

Male masturbation can be an exciting new adventure if you try different techniques. Don’t feel you have to stay with the same thing you did when you were 16 years old. Yes, it may feel good, but new techniques will feel unbelievable.



Promiscuous X said...




Mr. Jones said...

X - You really tried it.

LOL @ u being a fashion critic. First, this isn't plaid, it's patchwork madras from J. Crew. There's a difference. This is a classic design that's been around for decades. Plaid is, well, plaid.

I guess my baggy LRG track jacket and oversized Rocawear denim must've gotten lost in the cleaners. Sorry to disappoint.

And LOL @ u using the word 'cute' to describe anything.

Oh, and its not a shirt, btw. It's a summerweight sweater from Banana Republic. I'm just sayin'...

bLaQ~n~MiLD said...

**This segment of 'The Reading Rainbow' was brought to you by SHADE ENTERTAINMENT Productions, Inc.**


Promiscuous X said...


PRIMO said...

WOW!!!! Comedy! @ all three of those comments lol!

That story of the white bitches sounding like an episode of "The Hills" is too funny... So is that one about that mom counting to 10. There is so many parents and kids like this at my church. its too funny!!!! Kids be whoopin' they ass all in the pew and they still be counting.... i sit back laugh and pray for they bad asses...... Woulda never been my mom......lmao

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