This week has been a very introspective one for me.
It all started with a conversation I had with a very dear friend of mine Wednesday night. Since then, I’ve done a lot of thinking. I’ve pondered my strengths and weaknesses. I’ve thought about my positives and attributes that could be improved. I’ve considered my personal and professional futures. Primarily, however, I’ve been thinking about me and why I’m single two years after my last relationship.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life is that have to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with others. And I hadn’t been honest with myself for quite some time. For two years, I’ve told myself (and others) that I’m single because I wanted to enjoy the single life for a bit and that didn’t want to settle and be with just anybody. I’ve come up with all kinds of excuses for being single. I’ve criticized the dating pool in Baltimore. I’ve blamed it on my weight. I’ve claimed to need me time. I’ve come up with nearly ever excuse under the sun to totally absolve myself. “I’m not a clubber,” I’d say to my friends inquiring about my relationship status, “and I don’t do the internet thing and my gym is full of old white fogies, so I can’t meet anyone there. I don’t really put myself in a position to meet anyone, but it’s cool though. I’m just chillin…doing me.”
I’ve even come up with catchy little metaphors to explain to others that week’s excuse. I’ve used this one a few times:
My not doing the internet thing and rarely going to clubs is kinda like trying to selling a house…in a remote suburb…on a cul de sac tucked far, far away from the main road without having an open house. Besides, you wouldn’t sell your house before fixing it up. I have to deal with me before I can deal with someone else.
And all of that is true. Well, except for the part about not wanting to be with someone. Every human yearns intimacy, regardless of the bullshit they may spew.
I’m not a clubber and I really don’t go out often. I go to work, go to the gym (maybe) and go home and encounter very few people who would interest me while on that circuit. There is a shortage of quality people to date in Baltimore. I do wish I were thinner. Not going out does not put me in a position to meet good people and is like selling a house without having an open house.
But none of that really matters when considering the bigger picture.
I’m an attractive young guy who is smart, laidback, funny, witty and eclectic. I have lots of quirks, but who does? I am appreciative of and to life. I enjoy the little things that most people may overlook. I offer good conversation that can be as intellectual or as silly as you want it to be. And so what if I can stand to lose a couple of pounds. You all have seen the pictures. You know I’m no hog. Finding an acquaintance is not (or at least should not be) nearly as difficult as selling a house. In this economy and housing crisis, I should not be on the market longer than a 4-bedroom rancher in Phoenix…with or without an open house.
Herein lies the problem:
I’m too damn particular and can be down right snooty when it comes to choosing a partner. I have too many deal breakers. I look for this and that, but don’t have it all together my damn self.
I can’t be asking for a lawyer or doctor or a PHD when I am neither. I can’t be expecting someone to be in the 28% tax bracket when I’m not. I can’t be expecting people to have their shit in order when mine isn’t. I do need to better market myself by being more social and stuff, but reality is never mind a relationship, 85-90% of the people you meet in clubs aren’t worthy of a first date.
I’m not suggesting that I should lower my standards, because I shouldn’t. I don’t know what I’m suggesting, but I do know that I need to start being a bit more lenient when it comes to everything, which is weird considering that I really don’t think that I’m asking for a lot.
All I really want is a good guy who is a good lay that brings at least as much as I’m bringing to the table.
.
17 comments:
I will say this. When people say they want someone that brings what they bring to the table. This is a very laze time and people don't care as much as they did in previous times. 20 maybe 10 years ago, you would stand a better chance of finding what you were looking for.
You have the guys that don't know what they want. The ones that got a late start and are getting things together at the current moment. The guys that don't give a F$%K and that is a growing amount in today's time. It is a bad reality. There are fewer and fewer good men.
I would hate to say to lower standards. You might wait awhile for someone. Are you willing to wait? Once you get FINISH the self -discovery process, I believe you will feel you are worth the wait!
Looking inward is a tough process, but you're almost always better off for it ultimately. I haven't done it correctly but I hope to soon so I can pretty much have a moment of clarity like you're having. And what's funny is, guys that look like Flavor Flav can have their pick of women, so why can't you? Don't back down on what you want, if that is indeed what you're looking for.
Just a good lay, huh? Sometimes, that's all that's needed.
The problem with findiing a maintaining a dude to date is not having high standards, it's having too many!!! Think about that.
And that last sentence made my eyebrows raise a little. You can teach a guy to be a good lay, but you can teach him to be a good guy. Think about that also.
Next, get your ass out of the house sometimes. Even if it starts "Raining Men", you won't get one because you are inside the house looking out the window!!!
And finally, stop expecting so much when you meet someone. Stop letting your mind wonder into the future and concentrate on enjoying yourself with the person in the present.
Listen to what I say. I'm old and these are things that I have learned and experienced!
And one more thing my lawyers want me to say (Jackie's Back)!!!!
"85-90% of the people you meet in clubs aren’t worthy of a first date."
How do you know this if you don't know the people? We as a community should stop judging off of a visual impression alone!
aiight Mr. Jones,
Here is my lil advice. Concentrate on you first and foremost. And the thing that you so not like about yourself and IF you feel that those things need work on. If so, then change the things you don't like. But in doing so,do it for yourself. Do not do it just to find someone to get with. Confidence is a big attraction buster.
I can only speak for me. I make it an attempt of mine to not event look for a person to get with. I try to concentrate on myself, my self esteem, my looks based on how I like to appear, and my attitude in social settings. By the time I get all of that down packed guys are hitting me up. Look within you for enjoyment and when you do the very thing you want will creep right up in front of you.
Be you and don't change you for no one or thing.
I was about to give you an amen until TDRT read both of us
I'm glad that you can see your qualities, what you'd like in a man and what it will take...in the end, I trust you'll be receptive and make yourself available when you're really ready. Good luck pa.
I don't think it's too much to ask. And it's not necessarily about being lienient about what you want or need. Sometimes it's just about recognizing that it may not be exactly how you pictured it. I remember a guy once told me "You'll never be completely "ready". You just have to be willing." And I think that's very true, especially if you really consider what all willing really entails.
we need to talk about this post.
^Mr. Jones and Life
I didn't meant to get anyone together. I'm just giving some things to think about.
And that line in my comment should have read "You can teach a guy to be a good lay, but you CAN'T teach him to be a good guy".
Thanks for the comments, guys.
Yeah, that dude right there said it all for me.
I have seen some of the most unattractive men get dates and it had everything to do with their swagger. Put a smile on your face and don't take every encounter seriously. Above all else take things one moment at a time. It's something I'm going through right now so....
But it's good to know you have standards and you know what you will and won't do. But sometimes you can't take yourself too seriously. It could be fear that created those standards and not your heart and mind. Trust, there is a difference. Last but not least let a friend hook you up since you don't do Internet and clubs. To Win, Get In!!
THIS is what I loved: "I’m an attractive young guy who is smart, laidback, funny, witty and eclectic."
And, coming from the King of hang-up's and impossible standards, what you want is the simplest thing. But, I agree with Fuz...there seems to be a shortege of "quality" gay men. Then again, HE has a man, so he's not in our situations.
We need to talk!
;-)
"All I really want is a good guy who is a good lay that brings at least as much as I’m bringing to the table."
Isn't that what it is all about? I think that it succinctly speaks to the core of the situation. You opened yourself up in this post and I really appreciate it.
I used to think that I was going to find this perfect man. Boy, was I wrong. I could identify with much that you typed. I had many deal breakers as well. Without ever lowering my standards I did realize that I had to understand that people were often "works in progress." There is, however, a difference from being a "work in progress" and a "piece of work." The problem is, many of us either run into or are the latter.
There is hope out there though. As long as you identify what you want in your life and stick to your guns, you will be able to spot it when it presents itself.
I fall into the category of "having a man already" so I may not be totally understanding. But I was in your situation for a little over two years before that fateful 11/2006 day. That is, the first period where I realized I wanted more than just a fuck and run.
So I can speak of how rough it is out there. It's just hard finding a guy that has the same mind sets when it comes to relationships as you do. And I can say that you'll never find that perfect guy. Rock and I still have issues when it comes to how we want to define our relationship. Sure we have the basics down....for example: that we want to be committed to each other only and being supportive of each other. But we're divided over how much time to spend together, where we want to travel next, balancing control, stuff like that. But basically in spite of those things, I know that I want to make things work with Rock because I love him. I love him enough to overlook the few negative qualities.
The person you ultimately meet to take things to a boyfriend/boyfriend level won't meet all your standards. If you want someone like that, you'll be single forever. As long as he meets most of your standards and you can deal with the ones he don't meet, then you should be okay.
But as TDRT says, you have to put yourself out there and meet guys. I can't tell you how many dates I've had in the two years before I met Rock...well actually I blogged about most of them so there's a recorded account of them. But to summarize, I met guys that I hoped things would go further with, but the other guy wasn't on that same wavelength. I met guys who wanted to take things further with me but I wasn't feeling them like that after a date or two. I met guys that I strictly went out with and did the okie doke and then never saw them again. There were guys I wanted to meet but didn't want to meet me for whatever reasons.
You have to experience that spectrum and put yourself out there so that eventually the "right man for you" finds you.
Easier said than done, I know. I guess you'll just have to take baby steps.
To start, it may not hurt to put an Ad on the internet, even on the lame Adam4Adam. If nothing else, it'll give you some practice in the world of dating, once you weed out all the undesirables and find a guy that actually wants to meet and greet.
I would then go hit the club at least once a month. I'm probably the last person who benefitted from that since I can be a wallflower. But I get the sense that you're more of a social butterfly than I am so it might be beneficial just to see what's out there in the cesspool. You never know. When I went to Charlotte a year or so back, there was this one hot guy that owned his own furniture business that was part of a crew I hung out with. He seemed intelligent and appeared to have his shit together. But he rarely clubs since he's so busy being a proprieter (can't spell...*LOL*). Just imagine meeting someone like him that just so happened to go to the club on that same night.
Meeting the right guy is definitely mostly luck (I met Rock via a Yahoo message board...oooh try that...*LOL*), but you have to put yourself out there to make that luck happen.
Ooooh...let me stop. You'll be fine Mr Jones either way. And it's good that you took the time to evaluate yourself. Look forward to meeting you in April.
Thanks all for your input. Especially E and Kenny for dropping jewels!
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