Ever since That Dude Right There linked me to overheardinnewyork.com I've been writing down peculiar things I overhear throughout the day. When someone says something stupid or entertaining or whatever I pull out my Blackberry and note it. I don't write down everything just things that make me chuckle. I always tell myself that one day I'm gonna write a book using these. Maybe I'll start overheardinbaltimore.com.
Stuff I overheard in November:
Female coworker: Who wants some man meat?
Male Coworker: I do! I want some man meat!
Boss: You're on drugs.
Employee: I used to be a pothead when I was younger. I'm ok now though.
Boss: You sure about that?
Obnoxious gym rat to his friend the other day in the locker room: She does your laundry?! How'd you swing that? You stopped the premature ejaculation?
Homeless guy (with sign) at stoplight walking past my car today: [points to sign] MONEY!
Boss to group: We should have a happy hour on Fridays just for our division back here in the office.
Me: I don't think upper management would approve that.
Boss: We'll get a keg and fill it with wine. We'll call it a wine-erator.
Ghetto girl exiting past my table at Longhorn while talking on her cell: Girl, I just left a $1.92 tip.
A rich bitch telling her friend standing near me a story at Arhaus furniture store: And so I said to him, 'this is a $3 million dollar home and she's acting like she's in a trailer park.'
My barber on Saturday: I'ma grown ass man, dawg. What the fuck I look like doing the 'Superman that Hoe' in the middle of the dancefloor at a crowded ass club? The most I'll do is turn that joint into a slick two-step.
Girl at the downtown Whole Foods to friend on cell: Exactly. Why am I obligated to tell him I'm on my period?
Worker at Home Depot to his coworker: McNair is washed up and Billick loves Boller. Billick and Boller are butt buddies.
Bonus exchanges from this weekend:
[A couple minutes later he comes back with a native speaker]
Me to Wendy's worker #2: I need honey mustard.
Wendy's worker #2: Oh no, sir. We don't do that. You would have to go back through the drive-through.
Me: I just sat through that line and because you couldn't serve me quickly enough you asked me pull aside. I complied and now you expect me to go through the line again for condiments? You're out of your fucking mind. [rolls window up and drives off]
Male Coworker: I do! I want some man meat!
Boss: You're on drugs.
Employee: I used to be a pothead when I was younger. I'm ok now though.
Boss: You sure about that?
Obnoxious gym rat to his friend the other day in the locker room: She does your laundry?! How'd you swing that? You stopped the premature ejaculation?
Homeless guy (with sign) at stoplight walking past my car today: [points to sign] MONEY!
Boss to group: We should have a happy hour on Fridays just for our division back here in the office.
Me: I don't think upper management would approve that.
Boss: We'll get a keg and fill it with wine. We'll call it a wine-erator.
Ghetto girl exiting past my table at Longhorn while talking on her cell: Girl, I just left a $1.92 tip.
A rich bitch telling her friend standing near me a story at Arhaus furniture store: And so I said to him, 'this is a $3 million dollar home and she's acting like she's in a trailer park.'
My barber on Saturday: I'ma grown ass man, dawg. What the fuck I look like doing the 'Superman that Hoe' in the middle of the dancefloor at a crowded ass club? The most I'll do is turn that joint into a slick two-step.
Girl at the downtown Whole Foods to friend on cell: Exactly. Why am I obligated to tell him I'm on my period?
Worker at Home Depot to his coworker: McNair is washed up and Billick loves Boller. Billick and Boller are butt buddies.
Bonus exchanges from this weekend:
At a gas station in Hagerstown, MD* -- home of the largest maximum security prison in Maryland -- stopping to get directions:
Me to the clerk at gas station: Hi. I'm looking to get directions?
Clerk with an Appalachia drawl: You looking for the correction facility?
Me: What?! No, I'm not looking for the correctional facility. I'm trying to get to Prime Outlets and I didn't like that racial shit.
*Hagerstown is about 1 hour and 30 minutes southwest of Baltimore. The next closest city is Frederick which might as well be called 'Fredneck'. Hagerstown gives you more of the same. This place is literally minutes from the Western Maryland-West Virginia-Western Pennsylvania boarder. Basically its a town of yokels. I go because of the outlets.
At Wendy's drive through:
Drive through clerk to me: Can you pull to the front parking lot? We'll bring your food out.
[10 minutes later]
Me: Thank you. I need honey mustard though.
Wendy's worker #1: [Blank stare. He doesn't speak English.]
Me to the clerk at gas station: Hi. I'm looking to get directions?
Clerk with an Appalachia drawl: You looking for the correction facility?
Me: What?! No, I'm not looking for the correctional facility. I'm trying to get to Prime Outlets and I didn't like that racial shit.
*Hagerstown is about 1 hour and 30 minutes southwest of Baltimore. The next closest city is Frederick which might as well be called 'Fredneck'. Hagerstown gives you more of the same. This place is literally minutes from the Western Maryland-West Virginia-Western Pennsylvania boarder. Basically its a town of yokels. I go because of the outlets.
At Wendy's drive through:
Drive through clerk to me: Can you pull to the front parking lot? We'll bring your food out.
[10 minutes later]
Me: Thank you. I need honey mustard though.
Wendy's worker #1: [Blank stare. He doesn't speak English.]
[A couple minutes later he comes back with a native speaker]
Me to Wendy's worker #2: I need honey mustard.
Wendy's worker #2: Oh no, sir. We don't do that. You would have to go back through the drive-through.
Me: I just sat through that line and because you couldn't serve me quickly enough you asked me pull aside. I complied and now you expect me to go through the line again for condiments? You're out of your fucking mind. [rolls window up and drives off]
10 comments:
Hmmm...I guess I should have a column on my blog that focuses on "Thngsoverheardinmyhead"
lol @ the washing clothes convo. I was going to do a post like this, but the quotes were going to come from my friends...they're crazy.
If I recorded all of this ish I heard each day, I would be recording all day.
LMAO. That was some funny shyt. I agree with TDRT, I'd be writing shyt down all damn day. LoL
~Damnit!
LOL> people ant their sayings.
hilarious!!!
Something about drive thrus that get me pissed when they do that sorta thing... they will learn not to mess with me. Those 800 #'s get acall from me everytimethere is something wrong! i am fierce with fast food!
Ohh - I'd love to do overheardinchicago!!!
LMAO. I almost pissed on myself. Thanks for the laugh; I really needed it.
Time for Billick and Boller to go.
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