SurrealTalkBlog.com

Just when you think it's safe to step off the porch...

2010-05-19T10:32:00.002-04:00

We’ve (read: Black people) have come a long way, y’all. We’ve got a Black President (and a Black First Lady), Black billionaires, Black NBA and NFL head coaches, Black surgeons and lawyers and renowned doctors. We’ve got Blacks leading the way in Congress and on Wall Street. We’ve got Blacks in Hollywood and in music. In spite of all our progress, we still have the one or two ole’ rotten, ghetto, ignant ass sour apples that stay trying to ruin the goddamn bunch.

With that said, this video is a fool. The whole thing, from start to finish, sets us back 20 years. Yikes! @ the chair fight. Oh noes!! @ that chick’s shirt and weave being ripped to shreds. In case you’re wondering, this took place at The Underground in downtown Atlanta.

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Follow me on Twitter: http://twitter.com/Mr_NotForNothin

The feds are always shoving things down the America's throat.

2010-04-07T11:40:00.005-04:00

Newspaper writers (and their editors who let mess like this slip through the cracks) can be just down right dumb sometimes. I highly doubt that a serious professional would purposely sneak in this pun. Silly me for thinking all this fuss has been about only about health care.

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Follow Mr. Jones on Twitter: http://twitter.com/IM_YOUR_MUSE

At some point in life I want to live in a house like this.

2010-03-25T04:41:00.004-04:00

Houses like this one in Austin, Texas inspire me to become an architect. The City House, designed by Dick Clark Architecture, has everything I want in my future home: an open plan, lots of glass, a view of a city, cold whites, warm wood, and dope art. This house is so sick.

I included a few pics below. Head over to The Contemporist for more.

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Twitter: http://twitter.com/IM_YOUR_MUSE

"I KNOW WHAT ALL YOU WHORES ARE SAYIN'! YOU CAN'T DO NOTHING BUT F*CK!!!"

2010-03-24T06:40:00.002-04:00

Remember this YouTube clip posted awhile ago? Hella funny, right? Well, the entire movie the audio comes from is even more hilarious. It's Blaxplotation at it's best (or worst depending on your perspective.)

Somebody found a clip from Trunk Turner, the original film, and sent it to me. Dorinda, the female pimp, drops THEE funniest one-liners.

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Follow Mr. Jones on Twitter: http://twitter.com/IM_YOUR_MUSE

I'm back, ninjas.

2010-03-10T09:03:00.004-05:00

What up, folks? Everybody and their momma's momma's momma has been telling me that I need to start blogging again and, in some cases, threatening me with bodily harm if I don't take heed. So, I've decided to take their advice.

To be honest with you, I don't even know why I stopped in the first place. I could chalk it up to life getting in the way or the instant gratification of social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook ruining the blogging experience for me, but I won't. It likely has everything to do with my overarching issue of getting bored with stuff. It happens in life and in love for me and I have to get better at it.

Anywho...to commemorate my return to the blogosphere, my homie T.I. (and I use the term homie hella loosely) wrote a song about me. This joint knocks. Jig to this now (it's actually a hot track) and I'll be back with a real post later today.

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Follow Mr. Jones on Twitter: http://twitter.com/IM_YOUR_MUSE

I'm not dead...

2010-01-31T20:39:00.002-05:00

...but this blog probably is. I haven't decided yet. Just stopping by to say hey.

Wanna know about me? Just ask my Twitter.

2009-11-18T18:24:00.004-05:00

Twitter is great. It really let's you get to know what a person is like before interacting with them. You get their most random and intimate thoughts without even talking to them. Just a minute ago I decided to check to see what my daily tweets say about me. I've only seen like the three most recent things I've said, so the other stuff I'm posting is as new to me as it is to you b/c I sure as hell don't remember half the crap I spew.

Here we go. Not that it matters but the tweets are in reverse chronological order. My reaction as I was reading through these just now is the emphasized text below the tweet. Yes, I did my own color commentary.

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My Tweets from the time I woke up today until now:

1) Chuuuch. - RT: @i_am_mrjones Tip: If you enjoy swallowing, dont ask to do it, just do it. Otherwise, it seems all weird and extra fetishy.

It may be slightly off color, but it's real and it's a statement I stand by. Chuuuuuuuch.

1a) Bonus Coverage: Yes, I retweeted myself and @Nakialjackson asked why. My response: "LOL...Because I felt that one in my spirit!!! Chuuuch."

I'm a fool.

2) Good guy and a Terp. Vote for him. - RT: @VernonDavis85: Make sure you all vote for me at NFL.com for the pro bowl. Thank you all.

He is a good dude. Great player, too. One of the best athletes in Maryland history. Period.

3) I like N.W.A. Ice Cube better than Disney Ice Cube. This boy was so dope.

Cube is pretty dope. You gotta admit it. Don't front. **screw face**

4) I'm def. in the office jiggin' to Gucci Mane. I have headphones on but still. I hope no one walks by and catches me coonin'.

Everyone has their guilty pleasures. Don't judge me.

5) Palm better be thankful WebOS 1.3.1 didnt eff up my phone when they raped it about an hour ago. All is well. Crisis averted.

Bitches. Everything worked out cool, but I'm still salty.

6) FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!! Palm automatically pushed thru an update and I didnt remove the tweaks from my phone. :-(

I was in panic mode. By this point it was too late. The phone had automatically started to do its thing.

7) I have no problem using the shorthand of street and avenue, but refuse to write BLVD, always boulevard. Im odd.

So random, but so me and so true.

8) Julia Louis Dreyfus is a anomaly; she looks better as she ages.

I agree with myself on this one. She looked great in the recent Seinfeld episode of Curb Your Enthusiam. Not Phylicia Rashad Jenny Craig commercial great, but great nonetheless.

9) I downloaded Birdman's new CD last night. It's basically a Lil Wayne EP. So far it's sounding like a mistake.

Ugh! Save your bandwidth. It's not that great at all. The last track, 'Always Strapped', is the best song on the CD. What a mistake.

10) I dont wanna go to wooooooooooork. **throws a fit like a white kid in the grocery store**

What can I say? I'm not a morning person.

Make of that what you choose. I can lead a horse to water, but it might piss on me.

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Follow Mr. Jones on Twitter: http://twitter.com/i_am_mrjones

Throwback Video: Ginuwine - In Those Jeans

2009-10-29T09:37:00.000-04:00

I was walking to work this morning when this song suddenly popped in my head. This used to be my shit in 2003. I'm not sure about his full CDs cus I never download them, but Ginuwine typically releases good singles.

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Follow Mr. Jones on Twitter: http://twitter.com/I_AM_MRJONES

The Obamas sure do photograph well.

2009-10-24T14:03:00.003-04:00

The White House this week released a new Obama family portrait - a casual shot taken by photographer Annie Leibovitz. The official White House photo, taken in the Green Room, shows the President in a White shirt and red tie, with daughter Sasha draping her arm around him. Sasha is holding hands with mom, Michelle, who is being embraced by big sister Malia.

I like the shot, it's casual, yet appropriate. The President and First Lady look great. The kids do, too. The Green Room, which is often used for very casual receptions, was a good space to use.

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Follow Mr. Jones on Twitter: http://twitter.com/Black_Lux

Looking for a new cologne? Surprisingly enough, this one has a GREAT smell.

2009-10-19T18:53:00.006-04:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not one for urban labels. J. Crew, Club Monaco, and the United Colors of Benetton is typically MUCH more up my alley than Coogi, Azzure and Rocawear. This cologne, however, forced me to buck that trend. Hell, if I'm keeping it a hunnit, then I have to admit this season's Sean John collection is also worth a gander. This post is about cologne, so I'll stick to that.

I was in Macy's this weekend and came across X, by Rocawear. It smells damn good, ya'll. To me, it's a daytime scent that I'd wear to work or school or to run errands, not a night out on the town.

Check for it.

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Follow Mr. Jones on Twitter: http://twitter.com/Black_Lux

Priscilla Renea goes sooooo hard in the paint.

2009-10-18T20:42:00.000-04:00

When I first saw this video I have to admit I was a little reluctant to get into it. I mean, I feel like the black girl rocker chick has been done before. Res and Pink say, "What up."

Priscilla strikes me as different. She might be singing over a rock/pop track, but home girl is still very much a home girl. Note the black woman sass and rhythm and the brown love interest. I can dig all of it. The track goes hard, too.

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Follow Mr. Jones on Twitter: http://twitter.com/Black_Lux

Soulja Boy Magic Marker 'Em?

2009-10-15T20:45:00.004-04:00

Soulja Boy stays coonin' and he remains true to form in this picture I stumbled upon today on the innawebs. It's pretty obvious that he (and the barber who did his line up with a Sharpie, for that matter) is the clear-cut front-runner for the Spook of the Year award. I'm just sayin'.

This definitely used to be the jam.

2009-10-14T23:33:00.004-04:00

Picture it: Senior year of high school, 2001. Momma Jones has just purchased my first car. I can remember riding into school bumping this shit like it was yesterday.

[Archie] Thooooooose were the days. [/Bunker]

Al and Jesse, please go sit the hell down and let Rush Limbaugh buy the Rams already.

2009-10-13T19:11:00.007-04:00

Black folk hate them some Rush Limbaugh. They don't even know why they hate him, but they hate him. Hell, I was hyper-critical of Rush Limbaugh until I turned 25 for two reasons: I'm black and like random Soul Train lines to Will Smith's 'Summertime', it's what we do.

Rush recently announced that he is part of a group that wants to purchase the St. Louis Rams football club. Instead of applauding that man for being brave enough to dump money into one of the NFL's shittiest teams, Black America chastised him and booed and hissed from the peanut gallery. And you know when Black America cries out you know our saviors Al and Jesse swoop in to the rescue. Yet again, they answered the bat phone:

From the Associated Press:

ST. LOUIS (AP)–The Revs. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson attacked the bid by Rush Limbaugh to buy the St. Louis Rams on Monday, saying the conservative radio host’s track record on race should exclude him from owning an NFL team.

Sharpton sent a letter to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, arguing that Limbaugh has been divisive and “anti-NFL” in some of his comments.

Jackson said in a telephone interview that Limbaugh had made his wealth “appealing to the fears of whites” with an unending line of insults against blacks and other minorities. “The National Football League has set high standards for racial justice and inclusion,” Jackson said. “He should not have the privilege of owning an NFL franchise–and it is a privilege.” The civil rights leader said he’s had contact with numerous players and ex-players concerned about the bid.

Limbaugh shot back at Sharpton on his radio show.

“Now, this saddens me as well this disappoints me,” he said. “I know Rev. Sharpton. Sharpton is better than this. He knows better than this. You know, I didn’t judge Al Sharpton’s fitness to be in radio when he wanted to earn an honest living for once, given his well-documented past as the author of the Tawana Brawley hoax. I believe in freedom and I also don’t discriminate.”

Limbaugh said last week that he is teaming up with St. Louis Blues hockey team owner Dave Checketts in a bid to buy the Rams. He has declined to discuss details of the offer, citing a confidentiality agreement.

In 2003, Limbaugh worked briefly on ESPN’s NFL pregame show. He resigned after saying Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb was overrated because the media wanted to see a black quarterback succeed.

Now why oh why are they making this an issue? Black women are still catching HIV/AIDS at a higher rate that any other demographic on Earth. Our schools are still failing miserably. We, and by we I mean us coloreds, are still paid less than our white counterparts. Our families are still broken and non-self-sufficient. Our urban neighborhoods are still very much crime ridden. Yet in the midst of all this these fools are up in arms about Rush Limbaugh buying a damn sports franchise?

Why? Because he says some bigoted shit sometimes? How exactly is Rush's comment about McNabb being overated and hyped because the media wants to see a successful black quarterback any different from black people thinking D. Whyte Man is holding us back or letting white folks get ahead based solely on race? I'm sure your older Aunt Faye has said some pretty racist shit about white people or Mexicans or Asians (cus ya'll know it's against our religion distinguish Koreans from the Japanese and Chinese or even know that peeps from the Middle East are actually Asian) and you still let her live, don't you?

We, the black people, have got too much going on in our glass houses for us to be throwing stones at Rush Limbaugh. This is especially true because majority of our broke asses aren't even in the market for a damn NFL team -- and that has nothing to do with the recession. Al and Jesse need not to cry wolf so often and fall back until a cause worth fighting comes along. I mean, it's not like Rush said he wanted to rip the President's nuts off or anything. Geesh.

The 2010 Jaguar XJL Supercharged Neiman Marcus Edition -- If I could, I would. :-/

2009-10-12T12:55:00.007-04:00

One of my favorite things to do in October is to anticipate all of the forthcoming holiday catalogs. Neiman Marcus recently dropped its Christmas Book and included this beauty. Meet the 2010 Jaguar XJL Supercharged Neiman Marcus Edition. With an MSRP of $105,000.00 I'm priced out just slightly (*snickers*), but that doesn't mean my pauper ass can't enjoy it from afar.

The XJL offers 470-horsepower and has a supercharged 5-liter V8. In laymen terms, this hoe is fast. The interior features navy and ivory leather and rather sexy zebre wood accents. Because people who can afford to drop $105K on a car can't be bothered with standard dashboard dials, the Neiman Marcus edition has an interactive 12.3′ HD screen giving the driver access to audio, Bluetooth 2.0, hard-drive based GPS navigation, and climate control systems by either touching the screen or speaking commands into the Interactive Voice™ system. Sexy, right? The car also features a media hub with docks for MP3 players and USB devices, a Bowers & Wilkins® 1,200-watt premium sound system with Dolby® ProLogic® IIx Surround Sound and 20 speakers throughout the cabin.

Oh, how could I forget the massaging front seats, electric sun blind, heated steering wheel, four-zone climate control, integrated security system, and 20" double-10 spoke polished alloy wheels that complete the exterior. Hell, they even throw in a five-piece set of matching Jaguar luggage, in navy blue leather.

Only 50 of these are being created, so if you're planning to make a purchase, be sure to reserve yours on the 16th of this month when they go on sale. Just remember who put you on. :-)

This Collection Is Sick!!! -- Louis Vuitton Men’s Sunglasses Collection Fall/Winter '09-'10

2009-10-11T18:27:00.004-04:00

Louis Vuitton recently unveiled its upcoming collection of sunnies and needless to say this shit is sick. I loooooove the way the design on the arm mimics the classic Vuitton checker pattern. I'm slightly ashamed to admit this, but the gold pair at 0:31 had me over hear screaming "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

Be a brave girl, Marge Simpson. Do ya thing. Let them titties hang!

2009-10-09T18:58:00.007-04:00

Yes, ladies and germs, this is Matt Groaning's beloved Marge Simpson on the November cover of Playboy magazine. I'll fully admit to not being into cartoon cooch, but apparently the editor's of Playboy thought enough people were that they decided to have America's iconic matriarch grace its cover.

I'm not exactly sure why the lyrics to Nas' "Oochie Wally" popped into my head when I saw this, but it did. Check the vid below the pic.

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Throwback Video of the Day - Nas feat. Bravehearts - Oochie Wally

Jesus Christ Bail Bonds?!? I can't deal with such fuckery.

2009-10-09T10:50:00.005-04:00

This is a messy mess. I refuse to deal with it this morning. Oh, and btw...410 is definitely a Baltimore area code. SMH.

Alanis Morissette always gives me EVERYTHING I need!

2009-10-08T16:42:00.002-04:00

If you slept on Alanis in the mid-90's, then you're a fool. This track comes from Jagged Little Pill, the internationally-acclaimed CD that sold over 30 million copies worldwide. I can't stop playing this song. It's speaking to me right now. And I hope it speaks to you. Really get into what she's talking about.

Ms. Morissette, may I have your babies?

Why oh why do I have caviar taste on an anchovy budget? sigh

2009-10-07T19:20:00.005-04:00

I'm from Baltimore, which means I'm no stranger to water or, for that matter, boats. I often see some really nice boats docked in the harbor, but NOTHING like this pretty bitch.

Meet the 86' Domino by Riva. Her name isn't important, but the dining area for six, living areas in the cockpit, open sunbed, air-conditioned upper gallery, and four comfortably furnished cabins that include a master cabin with private en-suite and vanity are. Just get into the pics and you'll see why I want one. Now all I need is $6,000,000.00.

Can a brotha get a loan?

Pics courtesy: yatzer.com

Mary, YOU are the reason I hate Facebook now.

2009-10-06T11:04:00.003-04:00

This is a rant about Facebook.

I’m fairly certain I’ve mentioned this here previously but I’m just not that into Facebook anymore. It’s not that I have anything against social networking. I don’t. In fact, Twitter is my shit! It’s just that I’ve been on Facebook for about six years now and the luster is gone. Besides, it’s just too much information to manage about people. I honestly don’t need to know someone’s politics, education, religion, etc. just to shoot the shit with them. But I digress.

Anywho…I’m ranting today with a VERY specific purpose. This chick that I haven’t seen or spoken to IN OVER 10 YEARS requested me as a Facebook friend several weeks ago. We went to the same school and even took a couple of the same classes together, but we certainly weren’t friends by any definition. Attached to her request was this message:

“Yo, [insert my government]. What’s good my n*gga? Remember I used to call you [insert dumbass nickname here]? Holla back.”

As you can imagine, she wasn’t accepted. This very off-putting message aside, I wouldn’t have accepted her anyway because I don’t see the point of adding people who aren’t actually in my life. I let the initial request sit there for a week or so, then declined it. About a week later she sent a second request. I knew right away she wasn’t going to be added, but I smartened up and decided to just let that one sit there for a bit so she would have no other recourse whatsoever. I was sure that was the end of it.

I’m walking to work this morning and got an email on my Pre from Facebook. It’s the same chick. She says:

“What up, [insert my government]. You acting brand new now, n*gga? Still waiting on that Facebook confirmation.”

Brand new? Hoe, we went to middle school together. MIDDLE SCHOOL. I'ma grown ass man now, haven't seen you in years and I'm acting brand new???? I was incensed at that point. How dare you try to chastise me about choosing not to accept your friendship! After 10+ years of not even knowing (or caring) if you’re you alive you wanna come back and give me Scarlett Fever for not accepting you? I don’t play those games. Ya’ll know I upped the anti on that hoe:

“Mary, I appreciate your zeal but frankly I’m not interested in having access into your life and vice-versa. It’s been years and though I hope and your four kids (a subtle dig, but at only 25 y/o that’s a lil tidbit she should’ve left off her page) are well, I’m just not in the practice of keeping tabs on everyone via the internet.”

Now, some of you will undoubtedly say, “It’s not that serious. Just add her and move on.” Well, it is that serious to me. I’m sick and tired of the internet affording people who I barely even know the opportunity to feel uber-entitled to having access into my life. I don’t need to befriend everyone I’ve ever met at a party or who knows of me through someone else who merely knows of me. We hadn’t seen each other in over a decade and I was cool keeping it that way.

As for Mary, she hasn’t responded yet. If she does, then I’ll respond accordingly.

Dear Barack Obama: You're the President of the United States, not a male cheerleader. Start acting like it, please.

2009-10-04T22:51:00.005-04:00

He gambled and he lost, and now the whole exercise looks a little silly, doesn't it? It's ok to say yes.

President Obama, the first lady, three airplanes, several limousines, Secret Service staff and, of course, Oprah Winfrey, the President's back-up first lady, headed to Copenhagen last week to try to lure the Olympics to Chicago and came up quite short. The Windy City finished fourth in a field of four. But that's sort of the way it's been going for the president lately.

Instead of Copenhagen, he might have gone to Chicago and addressed the brutal murder of a 16-year-old honor student in broad daylight at the hands of four street punks. Remember the lectures we got from Obama during the campaign about family values and the importance of a father figure in a child's home, et cetera? Well, here was a real chance to walk that walk, but he took a pass in favor of Copenhagen. Instead, all we got was the White House press secretary saying the beating video was chilling.

The Olympics news came the same day as the jobs report, and that news wasn't any better. Many more job losses than expected. The unemployment rate at its highest level in 26 years.

After ~~centuries~~ months of debate, health care reform STILL isn't going anywhere. Iran is thumbing its nose at our president and the world. They might soon be able to blow up the entire neighborhood over there. North Korea doesn't seem deterred by our change of administrations either.

Afghanistan is getting worse, and there's now disagreement within the administration on what to do about that, study it some more seems to be the short-term answer. Meanwhile, our troops are dying in record numbers there.

Except for the stimulus package, the scoreboard doesn't look too good for our new president.

What does President Obama have to do to start putting some wins on the board?

At this rate she'll be doing bumps with Kate Moss in no time.

2009-10-03T01:54:00.008-04:00

Meet Diva Davanna, a too grown 9-year-old runway model. I'll be honest with you all I don't have a daughter but if I did I'm not so sure I'd want her to be doing all of this at 9. Let me be clear here: She's definitely doing her thing. I'd just rather her develop breasts and have a period before she learns how to be haute on the runway. I'm just sayin'.

Shouts out to all the naive broads that still think Tyson Beckford is straight.

2009-09-26T15:30:00.007-04:00

On Thursday, Tyson Beckford and Kandi Burrus were the guests on host Andy Cohen's show Watch What Happens Live which airs on Bravo. Andy is a flamer and so is Tyson. You don't believe me, you say? Find me a straight dude who admits that he'd do Obama or "somebody pretty" like Will Smith or calls another dude "baby" and I'll find you a fatty who doesn't drown everything in gravy. I have to admit that I'm not exactly sure what Kandi's role in this, but she knows the deal.

Dave Chapelle was a FEWL for this one. This may be his funniest skit ever. Racist, but funny.

2009-09-26T11:18:00.002-04:00

Clayton Bigsby: "Don't let the liberal media tell you how to thank and feel. If you have hate in your heart, let it out. If you don't like Will and Grace that don't mean there's something wrong with you. That means there's something wrong with Will! He's a homosexual. Whiiiiite power!"

Clayton Bigsby - More amazing video clips are a click away

My First Ever Video Blog

2009-09-24T23:23:00.004-04:00

So, I was sitting here just dicking around on the computer when I realized that I could capture video with sound. All this time I thought this camera that stares back at me was only good for still pics until I got a mic. Turns out I was wrong.

Full Video: The Jay-Z/Oprah Interview 9.24.09

2009-09-24T21:28:00.005-04:00

Ya'll already know that I think Jay-Z is the em effing man. Well, today I'm willing to take my standom to another level: Jay-Z, in my mind, is the clear cut winner of the "Dat N*gga of my Lifetime" award. You snicker, but consider this: He literally turned a crack rock into "The Roc", just released his 11th consecutive #1 album, and is married to Be-yawn-ce. I aint too fond of her, but I can see how thst earns him MAJOR points.

Anyway, Jay made an appearance on Oprah today. I liked their dynamic. I think you will, too. The video is below.

Italian Dopeness: America's Cup 2009 Brown Crocodile High Tops by Prada

2009-09-23T19:25:00.001-04:00

I know everybody and their ~~hood rich~~ momma has a pair of America's Cups, but not these joints. These animal skin beauties are from Prada's most recent collection. I promise you that if the economy wasn't kicking my ass, I would be typing in my credit card information into a secure website to make a purchase rather than writing you mofos about how much I want these.

*le sigh*

Who knows, I might defy my own self-imposed "No Bullshit Purchases" rule to cop these joints. They are on sale, after all. Anywho, behold a bomb shoe.

I. Just. Can't.

2009-09-19T22:00:00.003-04:00

I'm sure you all have seen the Lil Mama poppin up in the wrong places pics all over the internet. This one takes the cake. Somebody please tell me why Lil Mama is in the damn Color Purple field!!

**Jumps off the Chesapeake Bay Bridge and goes home to Elizabeth**

I'm pretty sure amateur porn is taking over my life.

2009-09-19T05:01:00.010-04:00

WARNING:

This post contains nudity. If you are offended by asses and dicks and titties and clitorises or are at work, in a library, at church, at your grannies house, in class or any other place where you just shouldn't be seeing nekkidness, then I advise you to scroll by with the quickness. I'm serious! I did my best to not be gratuitous with the shit, but hell, it's my blog and I like porn. Sue me!

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I like watching regular people f*ck. There, I said it.

It's hard for me to pinpoint the draw. Maybe it's the rawness of it all. Maybe it's because it's so real. Hell, it very well could be because I'm a voyeur. Either way, I've been on amateur porn for a minute now and I don't see myself going back to the major studio stuff anytime soon. That is all.

I. Love. This. Sh*t.

**busts in your eye and falls asleep**

SNL takes on "YOU LIE!!!!-gate"

2009-09-18T10:51:00.002-04:00

The Religious Zealots Are At It Again. shakes head

2009-09-13T18:09:00.003-04:00

We doing gay exorcisms now? SMH @ fools who actually think fuckery like this works -- and is actually necessary.

The man has no arms and thus no hands, idiots! WTF would he be doing with thumbs?!?!

2009-09-07T20:24:00.003-04:00

Original URL: http://www.theregister.co.uk/2009/09/07/armless_bloke/

Bank of America demands thumbprint from armless bloke
Refuses to cash cheque in absence of hands

By Lester Haines

Posted in Bootnotes, 7th September 2009 16:04 GMT

A Florida man is a bit hacked off with the Bank of America after it refused to cash a cheque made out to his missus unless he provided a thumbprint - a slight impediment to the transaction, because he has no arms.

Steve Valdez, 54, explained to the Today show yesterday that he went to his wife's branch, but "teller and branch manager refused to cash the cheque because he didn’t have an account there and he couldn’t give them a thumbprint to confirm his identity".

Despite Valdez presenting two forms of photo identification, the bank was having none of it. The teller explained that "if he wanted to cash the cheque, either his wife could come in to cash the cheque or he could open an account".

Marvellously, while Valdez couldn't cash the cheque using the two forms of ID, they were sufficient to open said new account, something he declined to do.

An exasperated Valdez - whose armlessness is due to a birth defect - explained: “I have cashed cheques with other banks with similar policies without a problem. The branch manager would come out, look at two forms of photo ID, initial the check and I’d go on my way.”

He thundered: “This is the first time that I have ever gone public with anything related to this. I’ve either accommodated myself or I’ve been accommodated throughout my whole life with things like this.

"But when it hits you in the face like this and you have no other alternative, you start thinking you’re not the only person in this country who cannot give a thumbprint. There’s a serious problem here, a violation of federal law.”

Valdez finally took the cheque and paid it into his account at his own bank, where "after a two-day hold, it went through with no problem".

The Bank of America responded by issuing a statement which read: “This is an isolated occurrence and does not represent the bank’s policies for accommodating customers or non-account holders with disabilities. We have ensured those policies have been underscored with all our associates across the bank.”

Really, Texans?!? Deep Fried Butter?!? Is that what's hot at the State Fair in '09?

2009-09-06T19:36:00.005-04:00

They say everything in Texas is bigger...including the medical bills. Now, I know fried food is coveted in the south but heart disease on a platter is NEVER a good look. This crap which has been mistaken as food makes me want to projectile vomit. I could NEVER, EVER imagine eating any of this crap.

And President Obama is asking me to pay for other people's health care?? I don't think so, bub.

You Need This In Your Life

2009-09-04T09:26:00.004-04:00

Track List

What We Talkin’ About (Featuring Luke Steele of Empire of the Sun)
Thank You
D.O.A. (Death Of Auto-tune)
Run This Town (Featuring Rihanna And Kanye West)
Empire State Of Mind (Featuring Alicia Keys)
Real As It Gets (Featuring Young Jeezy)
On To The Next One (Featuring Swizz Beatz)
Off That (Featuring Drake)
A Star Is Born (Featuring J.Cole)
Venus Vs. Mars
Already Home (Featuring Kid Cudi)
Hate (Featuring Kanye West)
Reminder
So Ambitious (Featuring Pharrell)
Young Forever (Featuring Mr Hudson)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD

"No, I gave you $20 and I ain't gon' sit here and argue with your flat ass face, homegirl."

2009-09-02T22:10:00.003-04:00

This is maaaaaaaaaaaad old but I thought of it today and decided to dust it off. I don't know if I should laugh or cry. Ya'll remember this sh*t, right?

http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

2009-09-01T23:40:00.003-04:00

I can't. I just motherf*cking can't!

I am posting this posthumously because I am F*CKING DEAD!!!!!!!!!!! Because of all the traffic that's been directed to that site this week, its servers have been crashing like crazy, but I hope the nonsense I'm posting here will hold you over until the site comes back up.

I knew there was a reason I REFUSE to shop at WalMart and PeopleOfWalmart.com clearly illustrates it!This is a sample of the f*ckery that's afoot on that website:

That loud thud you just heard was my cold, dead body falling to ground. I just can't.

2009-08-29T22:58:00.004-04:00

Her fat ass + that raucous ass crowd that is definitely laughing at her, not with her + the faces those white people were making at the beginning + what happens at 0:50 = too much foolywang for me to take tonight.

Me thinks the punishment fits the crime. What say you?

2009-08-28T22:29:00.001-04:00

LOL @ this dude's face. I can't say that I feel particularly sorry for ole boy. You get what you get when you cheat on your significant other. If I absolutely must say something positive, then I admire that he did what he needed to do to get back in good. Still funny tho.

Dual-Screen Laptops....What will we think of next?

2009-08-28T09:12:00.002-04:00

I'm happy with my current notebook, but I figured this might be useful to some of you. I've been hearing about this for several months but never saw any actual pictures of it until now. This is gScreen's Spacebook laptop.

The notebook features two 15.4-inch displays. The second screen stows away behind the first and slides out when you need it. Now comes the technical jargon. Inside, among other things, buyers will find a Core 2 Duos processor, 4B of RAM, a NVIDIA GeForce 900M GT graphics card (that's a damn good card if you didn't know), and a 7200rpm drive.

You already know all of that will come with a hefty price tag, right? This beast of a machine is expected to cost **gaaaaaaaaaasp** about $3,000. gScreen plans to have this on sale by the holidays, along with a dual-13-inch model.

WTF does Gary Coleman have to do with this mess?

2009-08-26T16:58:00.006-04:00

I guess this economy isn't just hitting us common folks hard. Washed up, D-list celebrities from the 80s are apparently feeling the effects, too. I'm going to heed my Momma's advice and not say anything because I can't think of a thing nice to say about this. Yup, I'm just going to just go about my business and file this under "I have less self-respect than I do cash-on-hand and I'll do anything for a buck."

RIP Senator Kennedy

2009-08-26T12:05:00.003-04:00

The world, and more importantly the United States of America, lost a true champion of equity and fairness when Sen. Edward Kennedy lost his long-fought battle with cancer late Tuesday night. The Senator served this great nation in the Senate for 47 years and will undoubtedly never be replaced. I will miss his bi-partisian stewardship and willingness to be a voice for people who would otherwise not have one.

I'm reminded today of the words of Tennyson oft used by the Kennedy brothers, and specifically by Teddy in his concession speech at the 1980 Democratic National Convention:

"I am a part of all that I have met....
Tho much is taken, much abides....
That which we are, we are--
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
...strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."

Rest in peace, Senator Kennedy and that you for all that you have done.

Edward Moore "Ted" Kennedy
1932 - 2009

Rihanna >>>>> Every other chick in the game right now.

2009-08-23T17:49:00.005-04:00

I won't give too much of a preamble because I want ya'll to get into the video starting at 0:29 when Ri-Ri makes her sassy little entrance with the leather thigh boots and the garter.

This post was initially going to be about Hov releasing the video for the second single from his forthcoming Blueprint 3 CD, but Rihanna and her sickening self thwarted those plans. I simply can't handle her. Not for one second. I don't know if it's her I'm so impressed by or the fact that a 21-year-old, who just a few months ago was photographed all beat up and battered, thrust that mess aside, continued her music career and continues shutting hoes down.

With that said, this is the video for Jay-Z's single "Run This Town."

Blackberry Tour 9630 = Snooze Fest

2009-08-22T06:44:00.005-04:00

I have a friend who always talks about how much he loves his Blackberry Tour. After recently switching to my beloved Palm Pre, I haven't felt compelled to go into a wireless store to test out any phone, let alone a boring Blackberry. Because he raved about it, I wanted to see a demo of it. The demo I watched is below.

Part 1:

Part 2:

My thoughts:

The Good >> The 3-second start up time is amazing. It takes my Pre like 3 minutes to start up. No lie. Blackberrys always have good battery life. That's one thing I miss about being a BB user. I also like that Blackberry is sticking with the green light/red light visual message indicator. My Pre has no such feature. I kinda miss it, then I kinda don't. Also, I do like that you can expand the memory by just buying a new memory card. My Pre and my iTouch are 8 gigs each and though I'm no where near filling up my Pre yet, I can see how it would be nice to go up to 32 gigs just by buying a new card.

The Bad >> The internet seems to loads painfully slowly and when it finally did load it was still the same bare-bones web browser I hated when I had Blackberrys. The whole experience with the phone is extremely passe. The Blackberry OS is still very functional but just flat-out isn't fun to use.

Overall Opinion >> I'm unimpressed by the phone. It's a decent phone that does everything I would expect a smartphone to do, but it certainly doesn't offer the experience the Palm Pre or iPhone does. It's kinda like the difference between a basic bitch and a keeper. Sure, a basic bitch will make you a turkey sandwich if you ask for one during the game, but a keeper will give you head while you eat it. I'm just sayin'.

Vera vs. Quick: One of the best scenes in motion picture history.

2009-08-21T21:31:00.004-04:00

I love the hell outta this damn movie.

Shouts out to this video, but only because it was shot in my city.

2009-08-21T20:13:00.012-04:00

I'm not a Mario fan, but I don't mind the guy. Sometimes he makes catchy music, sometimes he doesn't. Either way, I wish him well.

This is the video for his new single "Break Up". It's not an Earth shattering masterpiece but it was filmed here in Baltimore so I decided give it some shine. Plus, it has a little catchy beat to it and doesn't sound awful.

A couple of observations:

The "fly in" skyline shot used in the intro is stock footage. It's also mad old. That warehouse in the left foreground under the word "future" at 0:06, for example, hasn't been there in years. The Ritz-Carlton occupies that spot now. Not a big deal, but kinda annoying for me as a resident.
The bald look isn't working for Mario. He makes him remind me of the Coneheads.
The apartment they filmed this video in is sick. CORRECTION: That 5,000-square-foot, three-bedroom, two-story, all-glass panoramic apartment they filmed this video in is sick. It's one of the penthouse units at this building in South Baltimore called Silo Point. That's a $4.5 million dollar apartment. Get into it.
Gucci Mane makes me want to vomit. His face seriously makes me queasy.
Mario is a decent talent who for whatever reason can't seem to make it to the next level.

I got stoned last night and decided where I'm getting married.

2009-08-20T09:47:00.008-04:00

This is the Baltimore Basilica, America's first Catholic church and primary seat of the Baltimore Archdiocese. I'm neither Catholic nor religious but I can certainly appreciate the beauty and historical significance of the building. In it's nearly 200-year history, this building has hosted Popes, Bishops, Saints, the Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta and other high ranking holy dignitaries and shit. Soon enough it will host the hottest wedding this city has ever seen.

Now, I just gotta get the Catholic Church to, ahem, see things my way. :-/ Tough sell much? LOL.

And since we're talking pipe dreams...

The reception will take place just 5 blocks away in the library at the Peabody Conservatory of Johns Hopkins University. I haven't thought about what will be served at dinner but I did decide there will be plenty of Moët Rosé to go around!!! **does the Sarah Palin**

The space is mad dramatic, right?

Kanye and Amber Rose's Tits In Miami

2009-08-19T22:59:00.010-04:00

Remember when I said that Amber Rose was a gutterbutt trollop before meeting Kanye? Well, I misspoke. I should have said that Amber Rose IS a gutterbutt trollop who takes good pics in labels she likely wouldn't be able to afford without Kanye's bankroll. After seeing these pics of the pair in Miami Beach, I was immediately reminded that it really in impossible to turn a whore into a respectable woman worthy of writing home about.

Kanye likely thrusts her classlessness aside for her cute face, perky breasts, sexy but collagen-injected lips, and supple ass and that's fine. But he shouldn't be surprised if he's making Heartless Part II, the lesbian reprieve.

Speaking of Kanye, he deserves some blame in this, too. First, he tolerates this g-string and titties out in public shit and I wouldn't. If I were rich and famous (and a few other things) there's no chance I'd want my lady to walk around Miami Beach looking like a loose booty bandit. Second, Kanye and Amber are parading around common ass Miami Beach. Miami is a place whereyou and I play, you know...us common folk. Meanwhile, Jay and Bey are summering in Croatia. Step your vacay game up. This isn't a good look, Yeezy.

****************************************************************************************

Click here for more images.

You can't make f*ckery like this up, folks. You just can't.

2009-08-18T19:06:00.006-04:00

'Mrs. Jesus' arrested at car dealership, charged with fraud

By Matt Coleman
Story updated at 4:42 AM on Thursday, Aug. 13, 2009

JACKSONVILLE, FL – A woman came into the Coggin Pontiac dealership on Blanding Blvd. looking to buy a car. But how she tried to pay for the car is what caught the salesman’s attention.

The Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office says Emma Harrison, 25, wrote the dealership a check for $67,768 for the purchase of a car, with the names Jesus Christ and Emma Christ on the account. The check was handed over to the financial manager for verification.

But when the funds didn’t check out, he called police.

Reports show that Harrison would sign the checks as Emma Christ, or even sometimes sign both Jesus Christ and Emma Christ.

Emma told police Harrison was her maiden name, and she was married to Jesus Christ, and Jesus was coming in next week to sign the paperwork for the car.

She also said the dealership called the wrong company to verify the funds. Police looked into Harrison’s accounts, and found that she had no money in any of her accounts, so she could not purchase the car.

When asked about work, Harrison told police she does not work, but she has a traveling website that people deposit money into.

She had three active credit cards in the name of Emma Christ.

Harrison was arrested on three fraud-related counts.

A Little Piece of Me Died @ 0:19. :-(

2009-08-17T20:30:00.003-04:00

I may not be a Dad just yet but have a niece who is about the same age as these children. If I EVER catch wind of her p-popping on a handstand or doing any of the mess these little girls were doing in this video, then I'll personally sow her va jay jay shut before she has a chance to use it. I say that in jest but there is NOTHING funny about this video.

I'm 99% sure Usain Bolt isn't human.

2009-08-16T17:42:00.004-04:00

Nobody off the island of Jamaica knew who this kid was pre-Beijing 2008, now he's a living legend. Usain Bolt today further cemented his legendary status by demolishing his competitors at the 12th annual IAAF Leichtathletik Weltmeisterschaften in Berlin and breaking the world record in the process. Bolt finished the event in 9.58 seconds just ahead of American Tyson Gay, who claimed the silver with a new national record of 9.71 seconds and fellow countryman Asafa Powell, who placed third.

Bolt is a beast! I feel like he's one of those special kinds of athletes us mortals should feel fortunate to live to experience. Here's the video of dude's performance.

This is a couple months old but you need this in your life if you claim to like hip-hop.

2009-08-16T13:53:00.008-04:00

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD NOW

THANK ME LATER.

Ya'll remember this sh*t?

2009-08-15T16:22:00.013-04:00

Picture it: 6th grade, 1996. I was 12. Bill Clinton was President. The United States wasn't in a recession. Michael Jordan was leading the Bulls to a NBA-record 70 win season. The Olympics was held in Atlanta. Pac got shot. The JonBenét Ramsey saga was just beginning. OJ's civil trial is underway. And this song was hot in the streets.

New Pac Div Video - 'Mayor'

2009-08-15T09:13:00.010-04:00

If you have yet to get into Pac Div, then you're letting the terrorists win. These LA dudes are quintessentially west coast and I know that typically means we should temper our expectations but these boys are dope as hell.

Church League Champions, the trio's latest mixtape, can be downloaded here. It's much more than worth it. I can't believe they're giving stuff this good away for free. This is the video for 'Mayor'. The track is dope. Hell, the whole mixtape is dope as hell.

Pac Div - Mayor

A Whole Heap Of F*ckery

2009-08-14T22:22:00.008-04:00

These are some pics I've seen around the web. While ya'll get into these, I'ma go Michael Jackson my skin because I can't be culturally connected to this kind of n*ggerdom.

Walk into a room and u can smell the Clive Christian scent...

2009-08-14T20:49:00.009-04:00

My boss told me today that her 30th wedding anniversary is approaching. Because she knows I'm into nice things, she asked me to suggest a "top shelf" cologne for her husband. Without so much as blinking I responded: Clive Christian No. 1 for Men. She Googled my recommendation and said, "I didn't even know that shelf existed." I responded, "Hey, you wanted top shelf. That's as premium as cologne comes."

Clive Christian | No 1 for Men Perfume Spray

No. 1 for Men Perfume Spray. Oriental Ambery. "The world's most expensive perfume", created without reference to cost using the finest, rarest, most precious ingredients. Presented in a gold-crowned bottle symbolizing quality and excellence as awarded by Queen Victoria. 1.6 oz.

Saks Fifth Avenue price: $865.00

I guess somebody had to pay for her walking to get that damn cheesecake, huh?

2009-08-11T08:57:00.003-04:00

Diddy Protege Busted in Spousal Slice 'n Dice
Posted Aug 11th 2009 2:00AM by TMZ Staff

The former singer from Diddy's MTV reality show "Making the Band 2" has once again made the cut -- but cops say this time Sara Stokes was using a knife ... to stab her own husband.

We know what you're thinking, "someone must've beat the crap out of this woman" -- but according to cops, it was the exact opposite.

This bloody mug shot was taken after Stokes was arrested for domestic violence August 2 at their home in Moreno Valley, CA.

According to law enforcement sources, Sara stormed out of the house after arguing with husband Tony -- she tripped, fell down and accused him of doing it.

We're told Sara -- who hurt her head in the fall -- grabbed a knife and stabbed Tony in the arm -- while their 3 kids watched.

Paramedics and cops came and Stokes was arrested for assault with a deadly weapon and domestic violence. The D.A. is deciding whether to charge her.

Sara's lawyer, Eric Kayira, tells us, "Sara and Tony have a very passionate and loving relationship that on August 2, while having an evening of fun, she slipped and fell, hitting her head heavily on the ground and somehow in the process of helping her Tony got injured."

Somehow....

From: TMZ.com

Hillary Clinton: "I have the biggest d*ck in my marriage, not Bill."

2009-08-10T18:43:00.004-04:00

Well, that isn't a direct quote but...

I want one of each please.

2009-08-10T11:55:00.004-04:00

Burberry Multi-Stripe Watch

The Burberry Multi-Stripe Watch retails at $500 and features a stainless steel case and striped webbing details on the leather strap. This striking timepiece also offers dual time and date functionality, water resistance down to 100 meters, and a check-engraved black face with white numbers and hands.

Me likey.

Since we're discussing un-recession friendly pipe dreams...

Burberry Single-Breasted Raincoat

Though the camel color is quintessential Burberry, I'd much rather have this in dark grey melang. It's hot to death, too. I mean, just look at this jacket. Admire the clean lines, the tailored fit, the subtle classic pattern around the colar. With well-designed pieces like this it's no wonder Burberry has been in business for so long.

I swear to you I damn near have a happy ending every time I walk past this coat in the storefront at my local Burberry store. It retails for $1095 so if anyone out there is feeling generous, then feel free to hook a brotha up.

Jay-Z brings Oprah to the hood.

2009-08-10T09:32:00.004-04:00

Billionaire Oprah Winfrey and Jay-Z were seen yesterday walking around the Bed Stuy in Brooklyn. The rapper and Marcy Projects-native took Oprah on a tour of his neighborhood including his grandmother’s house, and more. Music executive, Kevin Liles (yellow shirt in pic #2) was present. It was rumored that Beyonce, Rihanna and Diddy were also spotted.

Only Shawn Carter can get Oprah out of her posh Chicagoland penthouse and parade her around Tompkins, Mrytle, Fulton, and Nostrand Avenues without incident.

New Video: Maxwell - "Bad Habits"

2009-08-05T14:36:00.003-04:00

Maxwell holds the key to actress Kerry Washington’s heart in the video for “Bad Habits,” the second single from his BLACKsummers’night album. After a month on the charts, Maxwell's BLACKsummers'night is now officially gold with over 547,000 copies sold.

If this dude isn't the man, then I don't know who is.

Lisa Turtle looks a ghastly fool. I don't even think Screech would tap this now.

2009-08-04T20:17:00.008-04:00

Remember Lisa Turtle, the Black chick from Saved By The Bell? Well looks like she's trying out for a new gig now: Memoirs of a Geisha 2. Either that or she's been seeing Lil Kim's make up artist. Either way, she looks a plum fool.

I know there were rumors swirling about her being a recovering coke addict (isn't it always coke?) but these pics are a FAAAAAAR cry from the recently shot People Magazine SBTB reunion cover. I really do hope she's well, but these pics tell a different tale -- a tale from the crypt, that is.

Photos courtesy of the site on the watermark.

Foolywang + Nggerdom = This Sht

2009-08-04T18:27:00.003-04:00

I'm not so sure if he's just drunk off his ass or nuttier than a fruitcake or both, but this dude becomes my motherf*ckin' hero at 3:45 when he gets brolic. I always wanted to spaz on a cop like that during a traffic stop but never had the balls -- or enough cocktails -- to actually do it.

"I'm God, bitch. Why you asking stupid ass questions?"

2009-08-03T11:43:00.003-04:00

I ain't know prophets got down like this.

What kind of f*ckery is this? 50 Cent fails epically at a "Touch Me, Tease Me" remake.

2009-08-02T09:20:00.000-04:00

Why can't people let the mid-90's rest in peace? Was it a great era? Sure. But that doesn't mean 50 Center should embarrass himself the way he does in this awful remake of Case's only really major single from The Nutty Professor OST. Get into how cheap the whole project looks, the god awful lyrics and the unneeded hoes, et al.

I was sure that was the tackiest remake ever, then I got into Juelz Santana's version. I sure hope Dip Set aint pay for this bull-ish.

Call me a Debbie Downer if you're like but I didn't think it was worthy of being remade once, let alone twice.

This is a gathering of the masses that come to pay respects to the Wu Tang Clan.

2009-08-01T21:28:00.004-04:00

Dopeness circa 1997.

I'm not even gonna go in on ole girl. I feel bad for her actually.

2009-07-31T20:31:00.006-04:00

I got a call from my eye doctor this afternoon advising me that my new eye glasses [these dope ass Prada 55LVs] were ready to be picked up. So, after work I diddy bopped over to the office. When I walked this woman was sitting be helped. I knew no one would believe me so I snapped these pics.

I'm 99% sure Stephon Marbury is on hardcore drugs.

2009-07-31T15:40:00.008-04:00

Stephon Marbury recently spurned Boston's one-year veteran's minimum offer and is a free agent as a result. I suppose that's why he's been his unemployed ass has been living his life through the internet of late. Get into this videography which is bizarre to say the very least.

VID#1 - This clip made its innawebs rounds several days ago. Stephon films himself crying to this 1995 ass Kirk Franklin track and decided to post it on YouTube. I suppose nearly 15 years later the spirit finally caught up with him. I'm just sayin'. And before one of you churchies jump down my throat about disrespecting this man's moment with his Lord and Savior, please save it. I'm not clowning him for spiritual experience. I'm clowning because in lame loser fashion he decided to film it and post it on the internet.

VID #2 - More recently he posted this vid addressing his haters and debuting his new "dance" while looking mo' suspect than a muuuuug. The first few seconds of this vid sincerely concern me.

VID #3 - Lastly, he decides it's a great idea to go HAM on ESPN. LOL @ his idle threats.

This dude is a f*cking mess. I see why his ass ain't signed.

Speaking of Trey...You need this mixtape in your life.

2009-07-30T21:53:00.003-04:00

You know how some things makes you want to laugh and cry? Well, 'Anticipation' makes me want fuck, then make love. I like most songs on this joint but Track #3 (Scratchin' Me Up) makes me wanna whip my penis out and insert it into the nearest orifice. I'm just sayin...

Hope ya'll enjoy.

Download Link #1

Alternate Download Link

Trey Songz talks Choking, Eating P*ssy and STDs

2009-07-30T19:27:00.011-04:00

Trey Songz recently did a waaaaaaaay over-the-top interview with Honey Magazine. Needless to say it got more than little raunchy. In fact, it was a bit much for my saintly ears. Between us, I happen believe that this is all apart of a very calculated effort to maintain appearances. However, you're free to take it all FWIW.

Here's the more risqué part of the interview.

..................................................................................................................................................................

Let’s jump right in it. You are a proud supporter of porn?
Yeah. I think porn is cool.

Any recommendations?
Any recommendations on porn? Go to 4228, xxx.videos.com and freeporn.com. I don’t visit them frequently, but that's three different sites. How could you go wrong?

You prefer free over paying?
Not necessarily. Sometimes I pay for it in the room. Because when I was younger I used to sneak and buy DVDs.

But some things look better than they feel.
Yea there are some things that happen in porn that some girls can never do in real life (laughs), you know what I mean, unless they are porn stars. I think that’s the cool part about it. It’s like ‘damn, that’s crazy.’

What’s your favorite type?
I think that porn is a way to broaden your horizons as far as sex is concerned. I remember when I first started watching porn my favorite porn star was Lacey Duvalle, Lindy Foxx, and I like the free will of porn all in itself.

And what’s your favorite things to use in the bedroom?
My tongue and my penis (laughs).

You know the rumor that if a girl drinks pineapple juice her sh*t tastes sweeter?
Yeah I heard about that. Well you know the rumor that if a dude drinks pineapple juice (laughs)… I’m gonna tell you a funny story. I was eating skittles. One night, we went to the movies, me and my homegirl, and I was eating skittles and she (gave me head) that night, so two days later she was talking to her homegirl and she was reading that if her man eats skittles his cum tastes better. And she was tripping because I had ate skittles and she was like it tastes different. And I was like that’s some bullsh*t.

Can you tell when a girl is faking?
No.

Are girls really that good at faking?
I feel like I’m really great at sex.

So girls don’t fake with you.
No I’m saying I can’t tell if they do.

You ever got anything before?
When I was like 16 or 17, this girl gave me crabs. It was the most uncomfortable shit in the world. I was confused because ain't nobody know I was having sex. So I was like damn what the fuck is going on? I even had to cut all my hair off and I had to eventually tell somebody. And had to go to the doctor.

And you told her?
Yea I told her. It was a wild experience. We were young. And that was kind of crazy and it was the worst so when I told her she tried to deny it. And I just basically stopped talking to her.

Morning sex or drunken sex?
I say drunken sex. 'Cause with morning sex, the morning may not be right. Some girls aren’t made for mornings (laughs)

You wake up to a lot of ugly women?
No, I don’t really have sex in the morning unless it’s really somebody special.

Don't drop the soap, dude.

2009-07-28T22:03:00.007-04:00

When I saw the link to this young boy’s criminal charging documents on a message board I frequent, I cried a figurative Serengeti for him. I was in an uproar. I mean, look at that name!

Mercedes Antwan Faggett

I initially thought that nobody, regardless of the crime with which they are accused of committing, deserved this gay ass, shitty ass name. He literally grew up with the worse of all worlds: a cheap, trashy stripper moniker for a first name, the most homo spelling of an already gay ass middle name and the most unfortunate of surnames. My beef was that like many Black parents dude’s folks ruined his life before it even began.

Then I got into what he’s accused of:

If guilty, you deserve that name and much, much more, Mr. Faggett. And given the seemingly hypocritcal disdain harden criminals have for people accused of touching kids you will undoubtedly not enjoy your stay in prison.

So, I take it this is Big John and the Westside Boyz?

2009-07-27T11:12:00.005-04:00

Southern n*ggerdom is clearly afoot in this video and I simply will NOT stand for it. Who told Jaba The Hut it was socially acceptable schlep around topless with those tits fully exposed the way they are?

*throws laptop into the Chesapeake Bay**

The Joke's On You

2009-07-26T23:09:00.000-04:00

Slowly But Surely I'm Building My Home...In My Mind

2009-07-26T01:04:00.005-04:00

'Bridge Kitchen' was Armani/Casa's first foray into kitchen design. The look is sync with what we've come to expect from the brand: sleek elegance, slick finishing and refined luxury. Brazilian Sukupira wood, black metal and brushed chrome create an exceptionally sophisticated yet simple shell for the advanced technology housed within the unit. The collection is distributed through stand-alone Armani/Casa stores.

Reason #293829 NOT To Have A You Tube Channel.

2009-07-25T23:28:00.001-04:00

You might get shitted on like this:

Mos Def is Pretty Dope. So is The Ecstatic.

2009-07-25T00:22:00.005-04:00

This might be one of the best music promos I've seen this year. This is Mos Def's short for 'The Ecstatic', which coincidentally is pretty much all I listen to on my Pre. I'll be honest, it's a dope CD. My favorite cuts are "The Embassy", "No Hay Nada Mas", "Pistola", "Workers Comp", "History" and "Auditorium", a calabo with Slick Rick, "Priority". The whole project has a Middle Eastern vibe with some Brooklyn meda influences. At it's very worst it's at least worth the hard drive space.

.........................................................................................................................................................................

Track List

1. "Supermagic"
2. "Twilite Speedball"
3. "Auditorium" (featuring Slick Rick)
4. "Wahid"
5. "Priority"
6. "Quiet Dog Bite Hard"
7. "Life in Marvelous Times"
8. "The Embassy"
9. "No Hay Nada Mas"
10. "Pistola"
11. "Pretty Dancer"
12. "Workers Comp"
13. "Revelations"
14. "Roses" (featuring Georgia Anne Muldrow)
15. "History" (featuring Talib Kweli)
16. "Casa Bey"

Click here to download.

Good Luck Selling This Sh*t In A Recession, Curtis.

2009-07-24T07:56:00.004-04:00

50 Cent is once again trying to get rid of this 18-acre compound in Farmington, Connecticut he bought from Mike Tyson's ex-wife. This property has been the bane of the rapper's existence since closing. He bought the home for $4.1 million which is a bargin considering Tyson's ex-wife's asking price was $25 million. He then spent another $6 million renovating it. When Fiddy first tried selling this hulking beast in 2007 he wanted $18.5 million for the property.

In the throes of the worst recession in generations the house -- which boasts a total of 52 rooms including 21 bedrooms and 25 full baths, an 8-car garage, a movie theater, custom appliances, Italian marble, 5 fireplaces, an in-ground pool, and a guest house -- is now being offered at the low, low price of $10.9 million. Ummmmm, yeah. Good look selling this excessive shit in this economy, bub.

SMGDH @ American opulence and excess.

Click here for full property listing and additional pics.

When Beyonce-ing goes wrong...

2009-07-24T00:19:00.005-04:00

This was destined to be pure fuckery from jump. Any "Single Ladies" rendition that begins with a clown mask is bound to end tragically.

"I have two daddies now!" - Juelz Knowles

2009-07-23T19:13:00.005-04:00

Twitter was abuzz today about Solange's terrible new haircut, so I decided to see what all the fuss was about. It's not just the cut that's awful, SHE'S awful. While I applaud her efforts to manufacture ways to justify her notoriety other than simply being Be-YAWN-ce's sister, I have to be honest: She looks a pickaninny fool!

The whole pic is a mess. Everything -- from that slanted ass shape up to those cheap cutoffs to the fancy (read: god awful) chancletas to that oooogly ass top -- needs to be returned to the bargin basement bin from which it came.

I feel sorry for Juelz, Solange's young son. Poor thing probably can't tell Mom from Dad now.

Thirsty? Why Wait?

2009-07-21T22:24:00.004-04:00

I'm suddenly in the mood to have my thirst quenched. Just to be crystal clear, by "my thirst quenched" I mean a blow job with a happy ending. Any takers?

Mozeltoff!!!! SurrealTalkBlog.com Celebrates 40K Hits

2009-07-21T12:24:00.006-04:00

I will fully admit to not having a clue how significant a site having 40,000+ visitors is in the grand scheme of e-things, but, I'll drink to that shit anyway!

When I started this blog two years ago I had no idea what in the hell a blog was and I certainly didn’t think people would actually read the crap I spew. Today it has sort of morphed into an outlet through which I can hone my technical writing skills, share crazy, random shit I encounter on my daily journeys, offer the self-righteously indignant commentary you all seem to enjoy, solicit opinions about crazy shit, and much more.

This blog has provided with an avenue to meet some really cool people from all over this country and world. Have I had to dispatch some idiots and assholes who strolled through here thinking they were going to get Mr. Jones in line? Sure. Real talk, though those folks are few and far between, they are part of the reason I keep doing this. I enjoy the conversation, banter and sharing of ideas. Not for nothing but this blog is solely responsible for providing me with the opportunity to meet, get to know and befriend some of the most important people in my life right now. I'm thankful to it for that.

Because I hate beating dead horses, I stop gushing. However, I will say thanks to each of you who made 40,000 possible. Oh, and if 40,000 really means nothing in the grand scheme of things, then don’t think about mentioning it. Let me have my moment.

Chris Brown, I can forgive you for whoopin' Rihanna, but this lisp...

2009-07-20T21:02:00.002-04:00

Cyndi Lauper done went out, got high and told Lil Kim she can sing.

2009-07-19T18:41:00.005-04:00

I want to know who is responsible for this mash up? Who sat around a conference room table during a planning meeting and conjured up this odd couple? Who said, "Ahhh...yes. Lil Kim? Cyndi Lauper? Mandela tribute? Works like a charm." I demand you show your face now!

Former South African President Nelson Mandela, who spent 27 years in prison because he tried to fight apartheid, turned 91-years-old and you give him this?!?SMH @ Lil Kim thinking she's a goddamn songstress and sh*t.

Bishop Rev. Dr. Barack Obama, D.D. to the NAACP: "Chuuuuuurch"

2009-07-17T16:34:00.012-04:00

To commemorate its 100th anniversary, President Barack Obama yesterday addressed the NAACP in New York. I won't rehash his points but the crux of his argument was this: It's not just the government that should take more responsibility, but individuals who should also take responsibility.

It was a fine speech, but I have to admit Evangelist Obama was a little spookier than usual. He starts going off at 24:30 and by 27:00 I was ready to toss a lil something in the collection plate. I'm just sayin...

Copies of yesterday's message were available as folks exited the sanctuary, but I found a freebie on MSNBC. To watch the revival in its entirety press play on the video.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

I kinda wanna visit San Fran just to stay at this hotel.

2009-07-16T22:46:00.008-04:00

I dig dope hotels. In my mind dope = modern, stylish and well-appointed. The InterContinental San Fransisco is definitely somewhere I'd stay. Here's more on this property from the hotel's website:

The InterContinental San Francisco Hotel, a graceful tower of translucent cool-blue, soars 32 stories above the vibrant South of Market (SoMa) neighborhood, and has quickly taken its place among the city’s most admired landmarks.

The hotel offers 550 guest rooms (all non-smoking), including 14 suites featuring a spectacular duplex Presidential Suite with unrivaled city skyline and bay views. The hotel has an intimate footprint with only 22 guest rooms per floor. Rooms are luxurious and elegantly appointed with rich wood and marble, striking contemporary art, sleek, stylish furniture, and the latest high-tech amenities. All of this is enhanced by floor-to-ceiling windows through which spectacular city and bay views add to a wondrous experience.

Establishing new standards for design, luxury, amenities, and commitment to guest satisfaction, the InterContinental San Francisco features a 10-room spa offering a comprehensive array of exquisite treatments and signature experiences, staffed by a team of therapists skilled at graciously pampering guests. For a more vigorous workout, guests can enjoy the indoor heated lap-pool or fitness center right next door.

Free Sht! Get Your Free Sht From Arby's Here!

2009-07-15T22:00:00.005-04:00

I was browsing the innwebs and stumbled across this coupon for a free sammich at Arby's. I don't eat there but since know EVERYONE loves free shit, I decided to share it here. Act quickly because this offer won't last forever. In fact, it expires Saturday, the 18th. Now you can't ever say Mr. Jones hasn't given you anything.

Enjoy!

Marion Barry, what are we gonna do with you? sigh

2009-07-14T00:01:00.001-04:00

Marion Barry is always caught up in some sh*t. For that reason we should all take a moment to point and laugh at him.

**pauses for the cause**

This is the real, unedited cover to the actual hard copy the Washington City Paper published regarding former D.C. Mayor Marion Barry’s most recent scandal. Other than noting that Marion Barry is the messiest politician of them all (sans Ronald Reagan, of course) I won't even go into the merits of this ridiculous story.

For those of you who actually give a damn the following is a snippet from Washington City Paper:

In mid-June, Donna Watts-Brighthaupt had an encounter with Ward 8 Councilmember Marion Barry. Watts was driving around, taking care of some personal business, when Barry caught sight of her. He made a point of getting her to pull over, and the two quickly got involved in an intense discussion.

The exchange hinged on their roughly yearlong relationship, a bizarre one even by the standards of one of the District’s most-watched womanizers. As Barry attempted to stake out his position on their fortunes, Watts-Brighthaupt was quick to point out the ways in which she felt mistreated. One stood out: “You put me out in Denver ’cause I wouldn’t suck your dick,” Watts-Brighthaupt yelled at Barry, according to a tape recording of the conversation.

For Washington City Paper's full story: click here.

Soulja Boy on MTV Cribs

2009-07-13T18:40:00.005-04:00

I despise Soulja Boy. I'll be the first to admit that I have no valid reason to despise him, but that's neither here nor there.

I saw the link to this clip of the "rapper" giving a tour of his Los Angeles home and presumed it would be all n*ggerish and shit. I fully expected to see the most ostentatious things at every turn, but his taste (or the taste of his home interior person) was much more muted. Surprisingly, Gucci bed linen aside, I thought the home was fine.

What say you?

We dancing on the stripper pole for Jesus now, ya'll. I blame Mary, Mary's Lamé pants for this.

2009-07-13T10:05:00.008-04:00

I think Black folks are second only to Mexicans in finding crazy ass ways to rep the Lord. Some wrap their rear windows in the holy spirit. Others decide to express their spirituals selves by pole dancing to gospel music.

**inserts a random pause to let that sink in**

This fool is dead wrong for the simple knows wasn't nobody p-poppin on a handstand in the Old or New Testament. But alas, I guess if Mary Mary and their shiny, skin tight pants can be down with G-O-D, then why can't he? SMH.

History in the Making: Judge Sonia Sotomayor begins Senate confirmation hearings today.

2009-07-13T08:17:00.003-04:00

We've experienced two very significant racial firsts in this country in 2009: Barack Obama was elected as this country's first Black President and a beleaguered Michael Steele became the first African-American to earn the post of Chairman of the Republican National Committee.

We, the minorities, have a chance at a historic three-for-three today as the Hon. Sonia Sotomayor, the first Latina appointed to the high court, begins her Senate confirmation hearings. Though Senate Dems have more than enough votes to confirm the Bronx, NY native, the Pubs will try their best to make the Judge sweat it out.

You might think this stuff is for nerds. I happen to think it's facinating. Either way it's history in the making, so do yourself a favor and tune in for a bit. Besides, it this is anything like Sam Alito's confirmation in 2006, then it'll be a hoot.

Click here to view CNN live video feed of the Sotomayor confirmation hearing.

Photos from Steve McNair's Funeral

2009-07-11T18:02:00.003-04:00

The casket of Steve McNair is brought in at the start of his funeral service in Hattiesburg, Miss.. McNair, a former NFL quarterback with the Houston Oilers, Tennessee Titans, and Baltimore Ravens, was shot to death in Nashville July 4.

Mechelle McNair attends the funeral service for her late husband, Steve McNair, in Hattiesburg, Miss.

Brett Favre attends the funeral for ex-Ravens quarterback Steve McNair in Hattiesburg, Miss.

Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis (left) and Tennessee Titans quarterback Vince Young were among the more than 4,500 in attendance for Steve McNair's funeral at Southern Mississippi's Reed Green Coliseum.

More pics after the jump.

I would shut BWI DOOOOWN if I traveled with these! | | Prada Trolley Luggage

2009-07-11T15:50:00.008-04:00

I'm a sucker for stuff that's both stylish AND functional and these luggage pieces from Prada's Trolley Luggage collection fit the bill. I ain't too cool with the totes but the suitcases are dope as hell. I'd much rather travel with this Prada than some over-monogrammed Gucci or Louis piece.

Images Via: Gentleman Style

Loan me a few G's please. The Louis Vuitton store near my crib opened this week.

2009-07-09T19:21:00.005-04:00

Bill O'Reilly = Total Waste of a Human

2009-07-09T10:22:00.005-04:00

I hate that I let Bill O'Reilly rile me up, but that's neither here nor there. Either way, he shouldn't be effin' with MJ. This little diatribe takes Bill to another stratosphere on my list of most despised "people", a term I use very loosely to describe this POS scum. Michael is dead and ain't coming back. Why are you still screwing with him, Bill? Get a life, asshole.

If Tats Didn't Hurt So Much I'd Get Some Dope Sh*t Like This

2009-07-09T00:32:00.004-04:00

Amber Rose Was A Gutterbutt Trollop Before Kanye? Who knew?

2009-07-08T23:14:00.007-04:00

Pre-Kanye

.
Post-Kayne

This is pretty dope.

2009-07-07T23:55:00.006-04:00

Masakage Tanno Wood Business Card Cases

The Masakage Tanno wooden business card holder is made from Japanese Oak or Padouk. Each case has a magnet embedded in the wood to close them shut. The hinges and detailing are of Ebony. Each is available for a reasonable $85 USD.

From: Selectivism.com

REMINDER: Michael Jackson's Public Memorial Today @ 12pm EST

2009-07-07T10:55:00.009-04:00

Click here to watch CNN's live coverage.

According to reports Michael Jackson will eventually be laid to rest among Hollywood's elite at Forest Lawn Memorial Park. Today, however, the King of Pop will be honored by 17,500 friends, family and fans at the Staples Center in Los Angeles.

The memorial, which is expected to draw a record-breaking number of television and internet viewers from around the world, is scheduled to start at 12pm EST. I don't know about you all but I'll be clicking that link to watch.

R.I.P Michael.

Are You A Mac Or A PC?

2009-07-07T00:20:00.007-04:00

You've all seen Apple's ingenious (and sensationalistic) mini-franchise of "Mac vs. PC" commercials, right? You know, the ones in which the cool, hip Mac is pitted against the awkward, venerable Commodore 64 masquerading as a PC in very carefully selected situations. If you've been living under a rock for the past 6 months and somehow managed to miss the series, then check the YouTube clip at the beginning of this post.

Since the emergence of the first iPod in 2001, Apple has done a good job of making people join the cult and drink the Kool-Aid. Apple lover's will fight to the death to prove that their MacBook or iPhone is better than it's non-Apple counterparts. I mean straight up in the pit with Spartacus type duals.

Case-in-point, I bought a new laptop last week. It's a HP Pavilion dv7, not a Mac. I mentioned this on Twitter and was accosted by several Mac users (read: like two followers who were really just poking fun) with replies calling me a boring, predictable old man. The last part is true. They really did call me boring and predicable and old.

Hmph!

I have to admit that I honestly do think I'm a Mac. Sadly my HSBC checking account isn't Ms. Cleo; it doesn't see that in the cards.

Besides Macs are just too damn rich for my blood right now. Paying thousands of dollars for a computer in 2009 is sooo not the biz. For what? A little bit of fun. I'll stay my boring ass right with this HP.

But I would like to know which brand you all are: Macs or PCs. I also wanna know if money was no object if you'd stick with your choice. If you just don't give a shit, then feel free to tell me that, too.

New Sh*t (Site Updates)

2009-07-06T19:04:00.008-04:00

I know I was ready to say eff this blogging sh*t a couple weeks ago, but I've been making some changes and now I'm back into it. A few things I should mention:

The related article widget is cool, but has some issues. I've been working with a really helpful rep from the company that developed it. She's working on fixing it so that it'll read/recognize this site's RSS feed. After she's done that the recommendations will get more diverse.

The Tweetboard feature is pretty effing awesome. I haven't seen it on too many blogs just yet, so I kinda feel like a slight pioneer. I know it scrolls behind YouTube vids when expanded in Firefox and Chrome, but there nothing I can really do about that.

I've gonna fill up the side columns with a lil bit of content. I've got some ideas for that.

Someone told me the white background doesn't show up in IE. I don't use IE so I don't write code based on IE.
Stay tuned. More to come.

SurrealTalkBlog.com

Just when you think it's safe to step off the porch...

The feds are always shoving things down the America's throat.

At some point in life I want to live in a house like this.

"I KNOW WHAT ALL YOU WHORES ARE SAYIN'! YOU CAN'T DO NOTHING BUT F*CK!!!"

I'm back, ninjas.

I'm not dead...

Wanna know about me? Just ask my Twitter.

Throwback Video: Ginuwine - In Those Jeans

The Obamas sure do photograph well.

Looking for a new cologne? Surprisingly enough, this one has a GREAT smell.

Priscilla Renea goes sooooo hard in the paint.

Soulja Boy Magic Marker 'Em?

This definitely used to be the jam.

Al and Jesse, please go sit the hell down and let Rush Limbaugh buy the Rams already.

The 2010 Jaguar XJL Supercharged Neiman Marcus Edition -- If I could, I would. :-/

This Collection Is Sick!!! -- Louis Vuitton Men’s Sunglasses Collection Fall/Winter '09-'10

Be a brave girl, Marge Simpson. Do ya thing. Let them titties hang!

Jesus Christ Bail Bonds?!? I can't deal with such fuckery.

Alanis Morissette always gives me EVERYTHING I need!

Why oh why do I have caviar taste on an anchovy budget? *sigh*

Mary, YOU are the reason I hate Facebook now.

Dear Barack Obama: You're the President of the United States, not a male cheerleader. Start acting like it, please.

At this rate she'll be doing bumps with Kate Moss in no time.

Shouts out to all the naive broads that still think Tyson Beckford is straight.

Dave Chapelle was a FEWL for this one. This may be his funniest skit ever. Racist, but funny.

My First Ever Video Blog

Full Video: The Jay-Z/Oprah Interview 9.24.09

Italian Dopeness: America's Cup 2009 Brown Crocodile High Tops by Prada

I. Just. Can't.

I'm pretty sure amateur porn is taking over my life.

SNL takes on "YOU LIE!!!!-gate"

The Religious Zealots Are At It Again. **shakes head**

The man has no arms and thus no hands, idiots! WTF would he be doing with thumbs?!?!

Really, Texans?!? Deep Fried Butter?!? Is that what's hot at the State Fair in '09?

You Need This In Your Life

"No, I gave you $20 and I ain't gon' sit here and argue with your flat ass face, homegirl."

http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

That loud thud you just heard was my cold, dead body falling to ground. I just can't.

Me thinks the punishment fits the crime. What say you?

Dual-Screen Laptops....What will we think of next?

WTF does Gary Coleman have to do with this mess?

RIP Senator Kennedy

Rihanna >>>>> Every other chick in the game right now.

Blackberry Tour 9630 = Snooze Fest

Vera vs. Quick: One of the best scenes in motion picture history.

Shouts out to this video, but only because it was shot in my city.

I got stoned last night and decided where I'm getting married.

Kanye and Amber Rose's Tits In Miami

You can't make f*ckery like this up, folks. You just can't.

A Little Piece of Me Died @ 0:19. :-(

I'm 99% sure Usain Bolt isn't human.

This is a couple months old but you need this in your life if you claim to like hip-hop.

Ya'll remember this sh*t?

New Pac Div Video - 'Mayor'

A Whole Heap Of F*ckery

Walk into a room and u can smell the Clive Christian scent...

I guess somebody had to pay for her walking to get that damn cheesecake, huh?

Hillary Clinton: "I have the biggest d*ck in my marriage, not Bill."

I want one of each please.

Jay-Z brings Oprah to the hood.

New Video: Maxwell - "Bad Habits"

Lisa Turtle looks a ghastly fool. I don't even think Screech would tap this now.

Foolywang + N*ggerdom = This Sh*t

"I'm God, bitch. Why you asking stupid ass questions?"

What kind of f*ckery is this? 50 Cent fails epically at a "Touch Me, Tease Me" remake.

This is a gathering of the masses that come to pay respects to the Wu Tang Clan.

I'm not even gonna go in on ole girl. I feel bad for her actually.

I'm 99% sure Stephon Marbury is on hardcore drugs.

Speaking of Trey...You need this mixtape in your life.

Trey Songz talks Choking, Eating P*ssy and STDs

Don't drop the soap, dude.

So, I take it this is Big John and the Westside Boyz?

The Joke's On You

Slowly But Surely I'm Building My Home...In My Mind

Reason #293829 NOT To Have A You Tube Channel.

Mos Def is Pretty Dope. So is The Ecstatic.

Good Luck Selling This Sh*t In A Recession, Curtis.

When Beyonce-ing goes wrong...

"I have two daddies now!" - Juelz Knowles

Why oh why do I have caviar taste on an anchovy budget? sigh

The Religious Zealots Are At It Again. shakes head

Foolywang + Nggerdom = This Sht

Free Sht! Get Your Free Sht From Arby's Here!

Marion Barry, what are we gonna do with you? sigh